Why I Cant Bring My Self To.

I want to pull the damn trigger. Countless nights ive set my gun down next to me in my bed. Ive put on a song and sat. Then thoughts run through my head. I tell my self the pain i feel is worth it if my lil cusions look up to me. My farthers girlfriends kids joined rotc because of me. They wanted to because they saw how proud i am in my uniform. So i put on a show. Pretned to be happy. I was only truly happy when i heard my sweeties voice. When i held her close. But now that seems so damned far away. I sit now, on my phone typing as i watch my aunts kids play around the house, not knowing my smile at them is a auto response, not a true smile. My best friend, some one i truly trust made me think once when he said. "thats the first smile ive seen you give with out hiding it behind your hand" i dont know why i hide my joy. Perhaps i feel guilty about smiling. About truly feeling happy. All i know is that the smiles i dont hide now, are fake. The true ones i hide from every one. But it dawns on me, thats a crappy life. Why continue living if im truly sad. I am. I only pretend to be happy. I sat not long ago with my rugar. It rested against my head. I never let the gun become hot, left its safety on the whole time. Ive decided that when i get the courage to do so, im going to use a gun. It leaves little to chance. But i lock up every time right before pulling the trigger.
What keeps me from doing it is a small glimmer of hope. My sweetie, been a while since we talked. She still very fresh in my heart. I continue to grow love for her. Ill whisper her nickname i gave her. Ill quietly say mien peinguin when im sitting with that gun. It keeps me from doing it. That and the fear of dying with out saying laters to the ones i care about and sayin i still love you mien peinguin. But i dont say it because that whould be cruel, to do that.
spkg spkg
18-21, M
3 Responses Aug 24, 2011

i wish i had a gun... i gotta find a way to do it without the ease of a gun..

are you serious, sucide isnt the answer, family who u belive dont care grive for eve, my half brother commited sucide at 23, it been 19yrs and will all still feel gulit and anger and the if or whys, and allways will, there people out there to help not critice, u havent done it becuse you know deep inside ur soule someone cares

As awful as it is right now...it will get better.<br />
And you don't have to deal with this alone.<br />
I think trying to deal with this alone is about to kill you. Don't let it.<br />
You are valuable and loved by more people than you realize right now, because you're in the pit of hell.<br />
But you can and will pull out of this.<br />
It's time to get help to do so.<br />
<br />
If you want to talk to me, I'm fine with taking your PM's. <br />
But my taxes are paying for the VA to be there for you too! Use my money!