Suicidal Tendancies

Think of all the reasons you have to live, they say. Why don't you help me list them? Ready...? I'm so sick of hearing people say this to me...and oh yeah...the whole..."It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." -so original, that one. Legally, I have the option of ending my unborn fetus' life (if ever I were pregnant)...but I don't have the legal option or right to end my own? Why not? who says? The Government? But the constitution states my right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. What if happiness is my ultimate death? It seems more taboo to end my own life than for me to end someone else's. Ridiculous. Think of your family, they say. Are they thinking of me? of MY best interest...or still, only, what I can do for them? Of how I might least embarrass them? If I die of cancer, that would not embarrass them, right? If I choose to end my miserable life...oh the horror for them, in their social circles. Stay here, live for your children, they say. I have no children. For friends? True friends know and understand, though they will disagree with my suicidal ideations. Everyone does. People go into panic mode when you make the smallest comment about how it's an option...suicide, I mean. So- you can't talk to friends or you get a psychiatrist and he gets you a therapist. Shrink prescribes lots of worthless drugs....Effexor, Tegretol, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Restoril, several more (14, I think was our last count) that have left my mind...and then the grand-daddy...Lithium. They either worked for 3 months or less...or not at all. Lithium was the best...except for the severe weight gain. There! Something to truly be depressed about! I'm rambling, I am aware. I will continue. So- I cannot talk to my family...or my friends. Of course, you're supposed to be able to talk to your shrink and therapist, right? Wrong. Not unless you want to be locked up..or on lock-down. The last thing I need is f-ing group therapy. How hideous is it to sit in a group- a circle, no listen to everyone's problems? ****, I cannot deal with my own...yet I should take on your probs and offer advice to how to deal with them? Am I truly qualified to do that if I am sitting in this circle of doom with you?
Let's return to the whole- permanent solution to a temporary problem...yes. Define "temporary." I'm 40. I've had these "problems" and "ideations" for oh...about...let's see...40 years? Is that truly "temporary", in my case, then? Abused child. Emotionally withdrawn parents. 4 divorces (my parents). Daddy died. I married twice- once for 3 weeks...once for 7 years. Both complete and utter disasters. I'm Christian...married a Muslim (disaster). Abusive marriages, in every single aspect. Filed bankruptcy after last divorce. My home burned down- with me in it. I've never figured out what or who I want to be when I grow up. I'm rambling. I've rambled my entire life...if only inside of my own head. It never stops. It only goes faster and gets louder. I'm bored. Does anyone really read this **** anyway?
alovelessfascination alovelessfascination
36-40, F
May 14, 2012