Suicidal Thoughts

Lately, I've been having suicidal thoughts. I am having so much stress in my life at the moment, I really don't know if I can handle it anymore. I am sick of the waiting game with my dad and court. I am so worried that he's going to win the appeal and then I would have to go through court all over again which is too emotionally draining for me to do again. I just simply cannot do it anymore. I am stupidly worried that he will get away with it too because he is just so smart and knows how to work his way around things. I can't let him get away with what he has done, he has ruined my life. I continue to suffer because of him and my mom. Everyday is just total darkness for me, I hate myself and I hate my life. I'm not good at anything that I do, I ain't even doing that well at uni. I feel so lonely because no one seems to understand. I know I can't commit suicide because of all the loved ones around me but I still get really temped. I can't help but sometimes stare at my beta blockers. I can't take this pain and trauma anymore. Nothing is getting better, nothing will ever get better, it will always be the same crap all the time. I cannot stop crying, I keep having panic attacks, I just cannot get myself together. I'm booking an appointment with the doctor in the morning to see if there is anything that can help me because I know I can't keep carrying on like this. I need alcohol so bad but I know I can't drink it during revision time. I'm not happy without alcohol.

I just feel so down, everything is in darkness. Everything is just so negative. It just feels like there's a brick in my chest. The family that I thought loved me has completely let me down. I am a nobody and it will always be that way. I no longer want to live.
BeautyOfSuffering BeautyOfSuffering
26-30, F
1 Response May 14, 2012

You are not a nobody, really you are not. The stress and the uncertainty are intense, and that is hell to life with and go through. The thought that you must go trough it all again is frightening, and your fear is very reasonable. And I feel for you, I really do.<br />
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It is quite a statement coming from me, but things will get better, maybe not optimal, but things will get better. Your father has demolished you, and you have the unenviable task of rebuilding yourself. That is hard, bloody hard, work. But, contrary to what you feel right now, you can do it. Maybe not by yourself, it is no shame to need help for this, but you can do it.<br />
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Uni and you ask too much from you, you know that don't you. Look at the small wonder that you are in Uni, which actually is not a small wonder, but a great miracle. You've come this far. You came this far, not anyone else let you come this far, you did. To expect that you excel at Uni at this phase of your life, is somewhat overdone. <br />
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I know, as in I have been suicidal, that suicide is a serious option. And it saddens me. I wish I could just snap my fingers and it would clear everything up for you, but alas it doesn't work that way.<br />
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Apart from the hurt to the ones that do love you, suicide will be the ultimate victory for your parents. You let them win, whether they win the appeal or not, whether they go to jail or not, if you take your own life, they win.<br />
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Please don;t take your own life. (You made me cry ok).