My Life Story And Why I Have Been Thinking About It.

hello my name is josh. i to have been having these thoughts. i honestly want to do it but i feel we have to much to live for. what if it is just a thought that passes by? ive been thinking about it for as long as i can remember. i was thinking head on collision to a car while driving home from work everyday. but why should we put someone else in such a painful situation thats not their fault? idk if i am the only one but i am trying to find a way to block that part of my thoughts out but why do they keep coming back? am i ment to ? should i? all tough quetions i ask myself everyday i wake up and go to bed. but in the end what if it is worth sticking around. maybe someday it will get better. to start off my mom and dad divorced back when i was in 2ND grade. didn't phase me to much. only till recently the past year i dropped out of high school. the reason was because my mom told me she was getting married to a guy that hasn't been in her life since i was little. so what ever he proposed i dealt with it. moved on. then she moves out of state to live with him. what am i suppose to do? they said i cant go because i have to stay and try to keep up with the mortgage on the house. OK making 7.65 an hour pretty rough. but i made the choice to not say anything and just deal with it so i did. well a few months go by and i realize how easy it is to fall into debt. bills overwhelming. job so stressful it started the suicide thoughts. so that would make it a year and a half to this day of having these thoughts. planning on doing it not going threw with it. attempting it. i made it threw. as i write this i am thinking about doing it again. every other day is a new plan and reason why to do it. the pain of having the security of your mother telling you she will help you go to college to get your degree in buisness managment so you can actually get on your feet. then having her run away on you just like that and leaving you with so much to pare with. when my mother left i bought a dog and named him scotty because hes a german. i sleep with him in my bed every night crying myself to sleep because of how hard it is to wake up and do that life style i am living. debt bills rent car payment. its really hard not to want to attempt suicide. im still having the quetion in my head would it help? the depression and the thought of it has opend my eyes in a very logical thinking. if my own mother was whilling to lie to me all those years and tell me that the furture is bright when the furture is dull. dose this mean society is lieing to us? showing us all these people that are enjoying their life and being happy? is it just me thinking that life isn't worth living after all the hassle of struggling to get up and brush your teeth let alone work a 730am to 530pm shift Monday threw Friday? and on weekends sitting alone trying to talk yourself out of not killing your self because you don't know what part to believe anymore. thats life is worth it in the end or life is never worth anything. i use to be huge into god but not im not to sure i think it might be a lie. a way to raise peoples hope to make the next day easier to come. but if its a lie then why would you want to believe in it if your going to just get disappointed in the end? as i write this im realizing that it might not be. im not under the use of drugs or alcohol and i still have been this way for the past however long its been. every single day is a struggle. but you have to find the hope or figure to look forward to everyday. or else every day will feel like this. i hope someday i find happiness and strength to keep moving on. if i dont find it im just glad that someone out there was able to read this and at least try to understand how im feeling. there's alot more of us then you think. we just try to blend into the society's idea of a "happy" person so we hide our thoughts our feelings and our loneliness on how alone we truly are. i use to have 1 best friend. but his girl friend for 3 years was flirting with me for a while so i got up the nerve to tell him about it. he didnt believe me, i no longer have a best friend. i no longer have a mother. i no longer have anyone but the person staring back at me on the other side of the mirror. that person is all i got and all i am. thank you for your time.
joshuabowen joshuabowen
18-21, M
May 25, 2012