No Reason For Being

My feelings of wanting to die go back sixty years. In 1952 I had just started school. My sister who was three came down with Polio. My parents left me with Mom's Father and his wife, an old maid school teacher who had all of the answers on how to raise and discepline a child. The hospital where my sister was treated was 80 miles away and my parents car was not dependable, so they went and stayed with ppl in the city. We had no insuance so sister was a charity case and my paretns did volunteer work at the hospital to help pay for her care. I only saw my parents a few hours once a week. They had no way of knowing I was not being treated the way I would have been had they been there. I was a bed wetter. Mom always washed my sheets. The step grand mother didn't and I was made to sleep in the nasty bed. I was not allowed to ware my own clothes, but forced to ware her giant sized underware with huge safty pins in them so they wouldn't fall off. Very humilliating.. although I didn't know what that was.. I still felt it. My Grand Father, I suppose, thought his wife knew best so he did not intervene on my behalf. When my parents would come to see me I was thrilled and so excited. They never stayed long, and I understood they needed to get back and see about my little sister... I KNEW she was very sick. But each time they would prepare to leave the step would distract me with something and my parents would slip out.. I would realize they were gone and could do nothing but cry and watch a huge cloud of dust boil up behind the car as they drove away. I FELT abandoned. Feelings of abandonment remain with me today. If ONLY they could have told me they were going.. if only I could have said goodbye. I probably would have cried but what kid wouldn't.
And so it began.. feelings of being unworthy, of being unwanted, of being punished for something I didn't know how to control.

Over the years to come I married, had 4 children of my own, became a step parent several times over. I divorced, and remarried... too many times... There was something about NEED to be loved that I just never quite grasped... I couldn't feel the love. Worse yet I had a very hard time loving.. and all I was able to love were my babies. The babies grew up and I felt alone... un wanted, un needed, worthless, and hopeless. I went though cycles of being suicidal throughout my entire life. Finally about 12 years ago I learned of a medication, LEXAPRO which helped me stableize, Thought I was going to be able to live a nearly normal life. Then a year ago my life began to fall apart again and now I am pretty much on the edge with a hefty supply of medications that I KNOW I can end my life with. I keep trying to find something to keep me going, but the feelings of being too tired to keep trying have me clinging to that edge and wishing I had the courage to just let go.

I know I need help, but getting help is next to impossible. I don't understand why it has to be so hard. Whythere isn't somone a person can talk to and spill the pain ... BUT FIRST, a person has to jump though so many damn hoops.. They want to know every detail of your back ground and medical history and if your parents were alcoholics.. well none of that is what is hurting me right now. I reached out to a hospital 40 miles away and was told they would see what was available in my own community.. NO.. I DON'T WANT what is in my community.. Next I tried to call my doctor and speak to her.. only to be told I annot talk to my doctor unless I tell the nurse WHY.... This is hard enough as it is... I don't want to jave to go through this a dozen times... I want to tell one person.. I need help... and have that person hook me up with somoeone who CAN and WILL help... so here I am... looking for a group who might be able to help sort out my life and maybe find something to holf onto.
Derisory Derisory
66-70, F
Nov 28, 2012