Dark Thoughts

I attempted suicide about two years ago by taking pills, but I was caught in the act and taken to the hospital. Shortly after I became much better. I found the source of my depression, did better in school, and stopped abusing prescription/OTC drugs. At least, I thought I found the source of my depression.

I think now it’s a chemical thing, something wrong with my brain, because these days I feel I can’t keep up anymore, even though my life isn’t as hard as it is for others. I go to school, I have some friends, I’m alive, but for the past year I’ve been struggling with keeping focus and with these depressive episodes that dominate my life daily. I have been on every medication possible to help with my bipolar/ADD symptoms, but nothing has helped so far. My therapy sessions have become a waste of time; I’ve gained weight; and I almost failed my classes last semester because I couldn’t focus. I abused painkillers all through fall semester because of the depression, and just recently the idea of suicide has become more tempting.

I get worried when I think about what’s to come for me in the future. When I think about graduate school, I suddenly feel hopeless. I have missed out on some of the common rites of passage (such as having a relationship), so that has lowered my self-esteem. I’ve had to give up a lot of things because of my illness (like this Honors class in school that was so much fun), and I think about it every day. I quit all my medication a week ago because I was sick of it and it wasn’t helping, and now I think the withdrawal is making me this way.

It just sounds so easy: taking some pills and going to sleep for a long time. I’m just really tired. The homework’s piling up now. I can’t talk to my friends because we’re not that close to talk like that. I’m afraid I’m not heading in the right direction career-wise. I’ll never have someone to love because of who I am and how I look. It’s just this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that’s hanging over me. I’m just trying to hold on.
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Jan 7, 2013