I Have 2 Reasons To Live...but I Don't Think I Am Strong Enough.

I am a 26 year old mother of two wonderful children. They have kept me from taking my life for the last 2 years....or maybe longer...I can't remember when the thoughts started and things got so bad. I just wish I could go back in time and speak to my 20 year old self. I was in the Army, had plans, had dreams, and in complete control of my life. Now I don't know how to control anything. I feel I hold it together best I can. My kids are the only reason I am alive. My husband is an addict and he is in a constant cycle of getting clean, then back to drugs, then clean again...to now- A meth addict. He is clean for the last two weeks or so of every month. He makes me think he is better so I trust him to go to the grocery with the debit card or if it is cash, somehow the debit card is gone as well. And then I do not see him until he has ran through at the least 600.00, but up to 15,000.00 before. This last time I told myself this is it...I'm done. I am living with my parents because I can not keep a home, I make good money and never have any, I just got dropped from school, because every computer gets stolen and he is in control of the cars. Recently He left to get a part for our truck and didn't come back for 2 days. I told my mom I was going to take control and end this. I love him, so I called 911 and reported him as a threat to himself and others for driving under the influence of drugs. His mother immediate called the police and told them no need to come out because he was in her car on the way to rehab. She lied...she let him drive down the road to clear his head and he was gone again. He returned the next morning while I was getting ready for work. I went out to ask him to leave and we got in a argument. My mom heard the truck take off, then come back, so she called the cops to come make him leave. When they arrived they searched his vehicle and found the ingredients for meth. They took him to jail along with his "friend" who had left debit receipts for the items in our vehicle. I continued my day...waking kids up for school then heading to work...thinking he is jail and now I do not have to worry about a call that he is dead or killed someone. I was wrong. His mother found a rehab to take him to and the cops released him to her to go. They got there and he was 'rejected' what ever that means. She then brought him to my mother's house, because her husband will not allow him at their home. He is here now and for the last two days I am closer to ending it than I have ever been. I am not sitting in the bathroom with a razor or bottle of pills...but living is a struggle, sometimes seeming impossible. My children have always been the driving force behind me living since suicidal thoughts have started. I know outside of me, I do not trust that anyone else to raise them safely and proper. But after this I am thinking that if I was gone maybe they would have a chance to thrive. They miss their Dad when he is gone and when he is here I am scared what they could be exposed to. Hiding their Dad getting arrested was hard. I feel like I am failing at protecting them, providing for them, and instilling the values they need to live a healthy life. It scares me because I do not know how long I can convince myself that I can do this. Aside from feeling like a failing mother I now feel like a failing wife. My husband is in bed right now and he looks so fragile and when he is awake I can tell he is embarrassed and scared. After his returning I am feeling guilty, like I should have took his truck keys and refused to let him leave or done something before things got this bad. I do not feel he deserves to be locked up for 10 years ( or whatever the time is for his charge ) but I know that overtime it continues to get worse...and any worse than this and I could not imagine. I do not want to be the one to tell my kids Daddy has to leave for a long time. I am just at the point where I feel I no longer benefit no one including me and no longer see the point. I have been searching for some sort of help, but it seems like it is not meant for help to come. I used to tell myself that next week or month would be better, but it only gets worse. I do not feel strong enough to go on...then I hear I love you Mommy.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 11, 2013