I Wish I Could But...

Practical gal that I am, even in the midst of wanting to just relax in my bed and fall asleep forever, I continue to slog through life's uselessness and pointlessness because:

1. I have a wonderful little boy, and a suicide doesn't pay out on life insurance. I would not want there to not be that money for his future. My husband...eh, not so concerned about him alone. But he is a great father (****** husband) and I would want them taken care of. So, I have to stay here and watch time fly by with nothing to show for it. Yes I have my amazing son but any moron can give birth, just about.

2. Judaism frowns deeply upon suicide. Yeah, I kind of care. But I could get over that one if #1 were not an issue. God obviously takes glee in my constant suffering, so let him frown.

3. I cannot take a chance on my son finding or seeing my dead body. But that is probably easy to avoid. As for others, I could not care less about anyone else, like adult family and friends, being traumatized. For starters I don't think they would give a **** for long. Plus, let 'em wallow in a bloody, pulpy mess. Which leads to...

4. There is no way I could shoot myself! Hey, can u hire someone to kill you? Probably. And that would solve the insurance issue! But I would be nervous as hell knowing it was coming, sometime, somewhere. And I would rather go more...cleanly.

5. Fear of a failed attempt. Then u get locked in a loony bin and your life is ruined even more. BTW I do have a psychiatrist and meds. On them, I mainly fantasize about getting out. As opposed to having the guts to take concrete action. I wish I were a man. They do not **** around...they just ******* do it.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 16, 2013