Troubles, Troubles. .

I'm tired of being labeled as lesbian, tired of having people around me calling me a transvestite or sth due to their lack of valid information on human beings having gender issues that don't have to do with homosexualityfeminism or anything else they think. I'm sick of being told that i have to live all my life like this, that i have to comply with the body i 've been given , i'm always receiving advice coming from persons that don't understand my condition, usually messing my identifying as male with gaynon feminine when they're talking to me about such issues. I had the intention to educate my family about gender issues, so that i give them a clue about what this means for one's life, how difficult it is to just comply with my female body, but it didn't work. They didn't understand a thing, not to mention the part about sexuality of such persons. For example, i don't have to pay attention to women, this isn't what makes me transgender, but it was way too complex. So, that means trouble : i'm too young to do sth myself, i'm dysphoric and i don't cope with my body in a desirable way (self-injury) while i have an almost artistic desire for guys' clothes that i suppress (i often mess up pants but because of some female body parts i can't behave this way to tops and it makes me envious of the others, drives me crazy etc), boys don't accept me to their parties so i'm completely on my own.I have to suppress my feelings, pretend that i don't see everybody growing up in front of me and the changes on their appearance, that hurt me the most, because i see that i'll have to suffer in this body wanting to be desirable and good rather than female looking.i just have to close my eyes, but i'm artistic, and that often suppresses that part of me.I have in mind that being trans isn't fun for most of you, so i want to connect with people that are able to understand this condition. And thanks for reading!
whiteguard00 whiteguard00
7 Responses May 12, 2012

I was married for nearly 2 decades to a man that lied to me.. about everything. He is GAY. I basically wore the pants. I was "the Man" in our relationship. We had sex 4 to 6 times year. I was naïve.

Today, I have come to realize... I am a man.. in a woman's body.
I'm OK with it.
I love gay men. I accept it now.
I just wished I could meet a gay man that would love ME.


As a 70 year old trans. I fully understand. As to the "gender therapist" they are sometimes "locked" into the own bias. And are trying to reform. As though you have a problem. You do not. Just conflict on what you think people will think of you. You cannot control what others think and you cannot be acceptable to everyone. We are ALL various shades. And truly that makes life interesting. But first and foremost you need to accept who you are. If you try to please everyone,you will need multi. personas (being a different person for each person). This will not only be untruthful to them,but to you as well. A prime example is any "noteable". They protray an image,but when the image fails,WE are offended. Yes being who you really are may offend some,either because of small brained bias or they secretly would like to be like you BEING REAL,not PRETENDING to get their approval. I hope this helps.RememberEVEN CHRIST did not find favor with the masses orauthorities in his lifetime

I'm not attempting to be liked by anyone that doesn't accept me, I just have to survive mentaly in a place where the word trans hardly exists. I usually act as my target gender most of my everyday life and people just can't understand what's the matter and think i act like this because of my sexuality, though i don't do anything offensive in this sector. I know that i won't be fully accepted if i transition in the future, men-boys are labeled negatively, too, and most times i pass as male i know i did because people refer to me offensively as gay. i'm grateful that you decided to comment on my story, as your age is of great respect to me and your extra experience is very helpful when giving advice. I want people to know i'm not pretending for their favor, i'm just angry and want to change ugly things around me that tend to make life more difficult, not only for me but for any person in a similar situation, that doesn't deserve to be treated like this by society.I have to thank you again, for reading my story :)

Our age diff on this site does not help, I have been in transition the past 6 months. To transition when you are older rather then your age I feel is in some wys easier and in someways personally it is rougher. When you come out and you are older the real chance that the life you have made, wife kids and employment are center stage. I see in your story the burden of figuring out what you want to do the life ahead of you and dealing with the turmoil of first realizing and identifying what the path is that will bring you personal freedom, and the path that your family and friends can tolerate (or not). Here on EP i have made a handful of friends that I feel are a very beneficial part of my emotional health. Some of us spent time dreaming how life would have been changed had we taken the path early in life, the wonders of our bodies that now need sculpting to gain that nice feel look and feel. being on hormones long ago could have saved me the pain of hair removal today a very arduous task at best. Like other here have offered, let us know how we can support you. I have a nice library of books from family's points of view that helped me when I outed to friends and family the past 6 months.

having a life and putting it in jeopardy is a characteristic of people who decide in that age that they would like to be themselves after appearing in another way for a long time. You're right about the age difference, since i'm looking for my age range with similar experiences but that doesn't matter right now. You may have noticed that my story is somewhat anxious, you see persons who find out this problem in their life so early, sometimes find it almost impossible to comply with gender norms(let alone family roles), having left only childhood behind them and just starting to face the real life, and the truth about them. Different transition age often means different conditions, that's what i'm trying to say. Since i'm from another continent i will have to thank you a lot for the books :) (but i'm sure family needs such thing..i'll attempt to find some )

I will get a list of book titles and authors together for you in the next day that I hope will help in some way. By my reading them first I was able to let my family read them and I was able to coherently discuss the information. Some of it just felt like they were writing about me personally. Have a good day.

:) i would be gratefull, if you do that for me ( i'm sure i can find translations )

Have you tried the Beaumont society for help?

You've taken the first big step, looking for answers and for people like you; and there are many. It's not an easy course, there are loads of so called experts that have totally bogus opinions on us and how we should be treated. When you can afford one, look for a Gender counselor, they understand. Most counselors are good but don't do what I did and stick with a bad one for 5 years...<br />
I haven't looked at where you live yet, but see if there is an LGBT helpline in your area, I'm not suggesting you're gay (whichever that is when you're TS) but they help us too and can point you towards help in your area, and be a supportive ear when you get desperate.<br />
Good Luck on the Journey,<br />
Nikki xx

thanks for the advice ! i'm not from the states so i don't think such a helpline exists here , but nevertheless i already have a therapist specified on gender issues (he's the only one that seems to understand here but isn't too helpful) . Anyway, thank you for your comment and support ! :):)

Glad you've got a gender therapist, sad he's not too helpful :(
Have you been seeing him long? Sometimes nothing seems to happen for a while so we think it's not helpful, then suddenly something clicks and it takes off...

i'm under the impression that nobody in my closest circle wants me to live a normal life in the near future, here such things are less likely to happen than in any european country. i don't know if i have to seek sth more than analysis from the therapist, i have been seing him for over a year-9 months. do you have any clue about how much i'll have to wait?

It won'tlet me read your reply :(

i'm under the impression that nobody in my closest circle wants me to live a normal life in the near future, here such things are less likely to happen than in any european country. i don't know if i have to seek sth more than analysis from the therapist, i have been seing him for over a year-9 months. do you have any clue about how much i'll have to wait?

He seems to be spinning you out. I once saw a therapist for 5 years believing he would eventually refer me on, instead he tried to cure me, wasted 5 years, 3x1 hour sessions a week at huge expense. The things we put up with when we put our faith and trust in people...
It won't let me see where you live as you are underage...
It sounds like your therapist might not truly want to help you, and I don't know if seeing someone else is an option. I think it is time to lay it on the line with him, outline what you are looking for and what you expect of him, see what he has to say. Not an easy one, be strong and Good Luck! x

3 More Responses

I'm 20 years old and just putting all the pieces of my story together, so I don't know what it's like to be 16-17 and dealing with being openly trans. I do know you're incredibly brave and outstandingly courageous to be so true to yourself at such a young age, in front of your peers no less. You deserve a medal for that. <br />
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I can relate to the deep, excruciating emotional pain though. I was the opposite of you at your age, I hid myself essentially from myself because I was determined to be "normal" if it killed me. I couldn't very well be "normal" if I examined or acknowledged any of my real "abnormal" feelings (clearly identifying with boys, and liking girls), so like a zombie I went through my life pretending my feelings, and therefore myself, didn't exist. I became utterly preoccupied with being what anyone in my life at the moment wanted me to be, and like a chameleon I changed my colors for every different individual I was near. I completely lost myself and got sucked into drugs and alcohol like a magnet to another magnet. I was empty, it filled me up. I hated myself, it made me forget my name. I wanted to die, it could kill me. Long story short, I almost died a few different times and just a month or two ago I almost took my own life. All because I was determined to NOT be myself, but I met an incredible turning point where the choices were laid out painfully clear in front of me: live as myself, whoever that was, or die. And in the end, I chose to be myself. <br />
<br />
Through all of this really hard, really painful journey, I've learned a couple of incredible and true lessons: that I won't die if I'm not loved and accepted by everybody, but I inevitably will die if I don't love and accept myself. And also, every single answer to every one of my questions is within myself. Sometimes, I'm just too scared to act on it, so I want someone else to tell me what to do. Only I know what is right for me, nobody else knows me as well as I know myself. They couldn't possibly. <br />
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Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. To say this is tough stuff would be an understatement. Keep up the wonderful work--staying true to yourself, and reaching out for help. And it might encourage you to know that I've had some absolutely horrible experiences in my life, but like magic they themselves led me to a real relationship with myself, and all around mind-blowingly awesome outcomes. If you're in one of these horrible times (I have no idea if you are or not), or if you ever are, it's for a good reason. And one that will blow your mind later on.<br />
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If you ever need some extra support send me a message!<br />
<br />

some years ago i was suicidal ,too, because i didn't accept my condition (for the same reasons you mentioned). I want to say i'm really sorry that you had to try to put an end to it by putting an end to your life before you finally accepted it. It is familiar to me,living in female clothes and not being myself derived me from every will to live back then, i thought i was a mistake that could end only if i ceased to exist. I want you to be confident and act like yourself now that you got over it, if you're confident and follow yourself your life will change in a wonderful way around you before you even notice it. you're older than me and death isn't the answer for none of us (i have to say it to myself in order to believe it). you may be insecure at first, but i believe you'll end up happy and pleased with yourself in no time, so keep trying :) Thank you for your helpfulness and support, you have to know your comments are extremely soothing and calming for me!

(i dont know if i mentioned it in my story, but i thought it was clear that im openly trans only to myself and my family, therapist etc, but regardless of it due to my behaviorappearance everyone notices what's wrong)

hope for the best ;):)

feel free to comment :)