Transgender Firefighter

Hey I'm Joselle... I got hired on to my fire department in November 2011 and finished all my training by May 5, 2012 when I went for my first live burn in the burn building in Milford. I always knew I wanted to be a girl and have babies and grow up to be a mommy. Although i still have a penis, irony of it is that I'm attracted to mostly females and on an occassion some males... I'm hoping to be able to have a baby with my fiance before i start up on HRT... since i would like to have at least one kid... My family for the most part rejects me being transgender, and the fact that i'm 22 and still living at home with my parents sucks. They force me to dress guyish at the house becasue of my 7 year old brother. He's asked me before why do i wear bras, and that caught me off guard. But at the same time i kind of have an idea on how to explain it to him while keeping it age appropriate. I don't want to leave my fiance she's the best thing that ever happen to me, but the fact of me transitioning seems to constantly upset her. I honestly wish that if she isn't happy with me she would choose to leave, but she says she loves me but its hard for her... I told her about being trans after being together after 2 months and she was the first person I told... She constantly says i'm not the same person that I was when she met me... Thats true, when she first met me I was highly depressed, suicidal and didn't want to go on. She turned me around, now when I dress the way I want to, as mostly feminine I feel most comfortable that way and happy, I can dress tomboyish and still be happy, but she and my family wants me to be a boy... She says she wishes I could be happy being a boy, but I'm happier being a girl... Thats who I have always been... She also says I'm more selfish and more distant, well when ever i talk about transitioning or even being part of the fire department, work or w/e she get upset for some reason... I can't stand how her mood goes up and down up and down... A few months ago she said I'm selfish cause I want to shop, and she was really upset wouldn't talk to me, and said if u want to go look at things go... so i walked away for a few minutes cause she's really trying my patients, shes like oh u would have in the past said its ok honey... well thats also when I first met u and i didn't have so much stress... just depression, but almost every ******* day is like stepping on glass... its constantly watching what i say or do, and she still has a hissy fit like a 4 year old.... Yes I do know her past of being raped has bothered her and still does, and she suffers from PTSD but at the same time she says I want help, you get her help and she denies it... its constantly a battle, and i do love her but i'm on the edge and I need some friends who I can talk to about what I feel and who I am without being judge, and even maybe get some advice on helping my fiance....
lover21JJ lover21JJ
22-25, F
1 Response Sep 9, 2012

Yours is a tough situation. To be together or not, that is a hard question. Couples that have a transgender spouse and stay together are rare. Me and my wife have been married for almost 22 years. I came out on July 17th. My wife has some of the same feelings. She has ptsd issues. She was abused as a young child. She doesn't feel I am selfish. She is upset that it took me so long to tell her. My thoughts are this when you have a long time invested in a relationship its hard to walk away. I have been suicidal. We are each others rock. As much as we love each other, my wife says that I am no longer the man she married. That's how she perceives me. We are seeing therapist we are soul mates, but know that may not be enough to keep us husband and wife, or wife and wife for that matter. She notices little things that have changed about me. My grooming habbits, the way I sleep, the way I talk. She says I am cocooning. She says that someday I will trade this male caterpillar body for a fabulous female butterfly. I am not transitioning, yet. She found a transgender support group for me. We have salon day once a month. My advice is see a gender identity specialist. As far as your relationship be true to yourself. If you have to split up. Its better now when things aren't as complicated. It will hurt just the same, but from experience. I know that the girl inside is selfish when it comes to self preservation and she will not be ignored. Eventually she always wins.

she says that she'll try getting used to me being a girl... and on top of it i see a normal theropist weekly and every so often a gender specialist.... the gender specialist i think shes a ***** but shes definitly full of good information... but my regular theropist i'm much more closer to and shes trying to help me with the depression and adhd side of things.... the fact that my parents are forcing me to be male at home so they will let my girl stay there since she was kicked out of her moms house hurt me alot... i love the fact shes there but i hate the fact i'm being forced into being a man... i don't like it at all... and i get highly jealous of my girl esp when she wears things thats extremely sexy and i feel ugly as hell... the only time i really don't mind dressing boyish is while working at the fire station... i'll dress in a blue uniform and work thats fine... or wear boyish shorts or jeans and a t shirt while i go on calls.... thats not a problem cause i don't want to damage my nicer clothes.... i feel like because i want to be happy and i feel like i'm making everyone miserable around me cause i'm transitioning i feel like i should just stay male to make everyone else happy and make life easy but than i feel like an empty shell and i feel hopeless... like theres no point to life.....