Finally Accepting Who I Am After 36 Years

Hi all,

I'm currently a 36 yo male living in Michigan. I have my first appointment with a counselor tomorrow to discuss my transgender feelings. I am excited and very scared at the same time. My whole life I have been ashamed of my feelings, to the point of wanting to commit suicide(This was in the past, and never tried). When I was child I was teased and bullied because I didn't act like a lot of the other boys my age. I remember coming home from school at the end of the day and would run straight to my room and cry, because I just felt different from everyone else and from the teasing.  I defininatly didn't want to tell my parents at the time becasue what boy wants to be girl, and I felt that my parents would be ashamed of me.

High School, was better and worse at the same time, at least I wasn't running straight to my room at the end to cry. But I would normally spend the rest of the evening in my room, listening to music or maybe watching TV with the parents. I tried to fit in as best I could, but even then I never really fit in very well.

Since I grew up in a military family and most of my friends were joining the military I joined as well.  I ended up joining the Army and went into the infantry.  Talk about not fitting in, I felt like I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. This only seemed to reinforce my feelings that I was a freak for for not feeling like I was a man. I remember hearing one story from some of the guys in my unit about how a few them were having sex with a woman someone had met in town and brought back to the barracks. Supposidly no one knew that the woman was a transexual and they ended up beating her pretty good. I felt sickend when I heard that, but didn't feel like I could do anything but fein a laugh about it with out someone questioning why I had an issue with it.

How do you deal with accepting this part of yourself and learn to love it after hating it and feeling so ashamed for so long ?

harrisdanielle harrisdanielle
12 Responses Sep 1, 2009

Went to an all boys senior school-hated every minute.Felt different-it was in second year-12/13 years old started cross dressing at home.Felt such a relief & warm .WISH SOCIETY HAD BEEN MORE UNDERSTANDING IN 60/70'S-would have come out as gay & transgendered a lot earlier without all the silent pain/anxiety suffered.But I'm there now-so look out world.

The first and only thing is total self one else can do that...only you.<br />
Being trans is a conundrum at the best a nightmare at worst due to an internalising of societal pressures and cultural norms.<br />
I have spent a good many years feeling in pain over this and have now come to terms with the dissonance of the experience...<br />
I am fully out and yet now feel in order to maintain my marriage and more that I will claim the space of knowing myself as being female brain and identified yet male bodied and thus present relatively androgynous yet remain gendered by others as male.<br />
Effectively I am learning I can be neither and or both despite or even because of society's perception or demands that you must be one or the other.<br />
Everyone finds their resolution.<br />
Life is a it well...

too many women are proud of themselves. give yourself what you deserve. it's hard for people like us to respect ourselves but it's worth the effort, when you get over it you'll find yourself is worth love, respect, understanding etc. i don't say it's easy for me (to accept all my masculine reactionsfeelings) but being yourself isn't punishable or sth, it isn't that unacceptable after all. one must teach society this thing, someday

Yay! Cheers to counseling. A new wonderful and exciting world awaits you. You're flowers and gift basket is in the mail. Welcome!<br />
<br />
" How do you deal with accepting this part of yourself and learn to love it after hating it and feeling so ashamed for so long ?"<br />
<br />
Well after hating myself for years and years...I figure that this has got to be easier. I like the Golden Gate Bridge but I'm good with not jumping off of it. On a serious note, one day at a time. That's the best I got for ya. I wish it could be all warm and fuzzy. But truth be told it's hard. It will come in time. You are starting...not that I'm a vet by any means but honestly, love YOU! How does it go? "You is smart, you is kind, you is important."

I came out 4 1/2 years ago just short of my57th birthday. Best decision I made. People heep their baggage on you so you can feel ashamed f being your true self.<br />
<br />
When I embraced my feminine side I was liberated and complete. Embrace who you really and enjoy the experience.

Did you have to see therapy counsellor?I intend doing it on my own-with help from family &amp; friends if I can.

i completely relate with what you say about feeling ashamed or worring that other people will be ashamed. I knew deep down how i felt all my life but was too ashamed to say anything BEFORE i found out that there was a name for it, and its not your fault. I think differently now. Although im at very early stages of transitiong and theres loads of hard times, im actually proud of who i am, and i think all trans people have to work harder than normal to discover and then be who they really are. if you have that attitude then people respect that. of course theres guna be people who dnt understand/cant accept but being true to yourself has gota be the most important thing and then everythig follows

yes 36yo here too, sounds so much like my story. oh the shame almost killed me too. I didn't join the military, I knew i couldn't handle violence like that. I can relate to the nervous laughter, as i grew up around bible belt rednecks who hate gays. I knew I was femme in hiding. but never occurred to me to put a name to my shame. I no longer hide the truth and it feels so much better. I'm working on letting go of all of this RAGE. I'd rather die than step one foot back in the closet. I hope you find the joy I have found just being myself.

I am a team member of a gender-variant organisation, we support all trans people. I feel where you're coming don't have to justify yourself to anyone except yourself, so just be yourself.

I can really relate to how you feel about being transgender because I am one as well. When I was five, I could read a newspaper and tell you what was in it and I knew all the presidents up to that time, including who his wife was, which was pretty good for that age. My parents took me to a PhD. to see if I was ready for school. In his case PhD meant piled high and deep, He told my parents I was mentally retarded because I'm left-handed, which is where the BS is. He was the stupidest SOB I have ever met. The way he died is he froze to death outside a brothel waiting for the red light to change. I also started cross-dressing around the same time, at one point being spanked for putting on six of Mom's sweaters and a skirt at the same time.I have always thought what she should have done is let me wear all of those sweaters and the skirt with one less sweater with a skirt every day until I found my comfort level. I got bullied, harassed, and teased all the way through school and even during basic training, for being "different,"whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. I still don't know if their meanness was because I'm transgender or what it was. Some of those thugs were so mean I still dislike them even to this day. Now that I live by myself with two cats, I can wear whatever I want to whenever I feel like it.

I am right there with you. School was torture, the military taught me all kinds of things no one needs to know. Marirage is falling (has fallen) apart. At least my kids still love me and can accept who I am and what I need to do.

Wow. your story sounds like a retelling of my experiance almost to a T. Except that in High School my brother was the biggest and coolest guy in school so NO ONE messed with me over anything. So highschool was a blast. I didnt get any abuse for fear that my ogre brother would stomp them.<br />
Military , yeah I did that 2. Bad choice. No brother too protect me there. My 'wierdness' got me beat.<br />
So strange how we all live almost the same life isn't it?<br />
Bet ya havce a wife and a kid too. Am I right?

You aren't alone,there are many here that share your story.I let my female side take over ,It's where all my heart and emotions are,I still get hurt by people but I'm not ashamed any more. Message if you want to talk.