I Want To Meet Like Minded People In Brighton

 

Right...this may be a long one-bare with me........

I first knew something was wrong when I was as young as 5 or 6 - I was an observer of life, and I saw the games and 'dark side' of things. I didn't want to live. I was terribly terribly scared of living. This went on until, when I was 12 and my dad told me that my Aunt was bipolar and had had several mental breakdowns, I told him that I too thought I was having a breakdown. He reassured me and I silently went on encountering continual panic and fear throughout my teens -I wish to god I had told my mum and dad again how bad I was. I knew at some point that I could no longer put up an act and that I would literally break down.

Unfortunately, my mum and dad didn't realise the severity of my problems, probably because I used to put on such an act. I was always helping other people - as long as others saw me as 'happy' that was all that mattered.

When I was 13-15 I started smoking dope occasionally with my friends and did mushroom wine once. This period of drug use definitely contributed to my first mental breakdown when I was 17. I had a psychotic severe depression which lasted about 2 years. I had heightened awareness (caused by the drugs) so I was in an altered state. I was slowed down visually and mentally. I was depersonalized/derealalized. Looking from one side to the other side of someone's face took ages. All the pores on people's skin were magnified. expressions and audio receptions were altered as if I were on a trip. I talked out everything I was doing/thinking of doing/seeing/unconscious thought out loud in my head without having any control of it. I saw rays coming out of people's eyes. I thought I was possessed. I was a very very ill girl and yes, I knew it, and I was in a living nightmare - It was truly horrific and I was petrified. A 2 year trip. Two years later after ECT and drinking myself into a high after my friend took me away travelling with her, I recovered over the next 5 years. Along with my confidence, and the usual carefree teenage years that I had lost, I carried on with life, still very alone and scared; disbelieving the horror that has happened. I would never be the same again. I was learning how to behave again as though I had just been born. I go on Lithium which makes me flat. I use alcohol and go through awful highs were I am the king of the world -entertaining people and making people laugh. The down side - when my sister grabs me from my neighbours were I am giving guys, I have only just met, a ***** show. I was high, she told me. I was frantic - I was fine...leave me alone, I'm having a good time. I was scared I had been through so much and now I was having a good time and she said I was high.

Yes, I was very high. I went to my psychiatrists every week for the next month were I was given injections in my bum.

All is ok until my second breakdown when I am 25. Through stress at my job. Again, I was ill for 2 years - the same experience again. Again, I had ECT and again it has taken me the same amount of years to get well again.


I have been well, working part time until I felt bullied at work, and again I am depersonalized and therefore very lonely. I am on good medication (I would definitely recommend the Lamotrigine for depersonalization).

I gave up alcohol 3 years ago and want to make new friends with people in the Sussex area, UK, who have experienced similar things. Any takers? x

blackswan37 blackswan37
36-40, F
2 Responses May 8, 2012

What a story, so far. Injections in ur bum? Whoa. U sound like a warrior to have taken on every day with hope and as u said "for the high times". When u feel like a "king".
I am not sure but i think i am in a very similar condition. Though i choose not to entertain any treatment for it or medications, it is my way if fighting it.
But i understand what u mean. The loneliness. The eccentric behavior that u just say "im having a good time" "**** off".
1 thing is sure. Idk you. But keep on being a warrior. When our lives are over, we'll be in good hands. Cause we kept on looking forward. Regardless of our circumstance.
Btw, mushroom wine? Oh sweet pagan gods that sounds stellar.
I, personally believe psilocybin is something that can cure my depersonalization and trance like lifestyle.
It is, of the earth after all.
Anyway.
Peace to u

can't say as i've been through the same things, but i'm from sussex, and i'm a great listener :)