I Want To But I Can't

I really do want to cry until every single one of my tears falls and dries in the sands of time but I can't. I've been tired out at school and keep getting flashbacks and zone outs to memories from 5 years ago when times were worse but simpler.

Long story short is that I have always been the smart one who is slightly crazy in the eyes of other people. My personal motto is try anything once. The problem arose when I started to become addicted to pain; I just started picking fights for no other reason than to see how much I could take.The problem then rose when I moved schools and instead of it being 1 in 10 times I got told of for fighting it was 9 in 10. I was emotionally unstable at this time and had been on Prozac for a year. Eventually I decided it wasn't working so I stopped taking it and ended up mentally crashing and trying to run away. This got me suspended for 2 weeks and then I got into a fight 3 days after getting back and being suspended for that. Since then I have calmed down a lot and only recently, after moving schools, have I been getting memories and as a consequence short tempered.

So here I am now at the end of my tether and waiting for someone to cut the rope or for it to snap and me to strike out at someone and break down crying until all my tears dry out. It doesn't help that I keep thinking about a girl in my class and it doesn't help that I'm running a 14 hour workday in terms of study. It almost reached the point where I just called quits and refused to do anything but sit in bed and stare blankly but I know that can't happen and I know that I need to cry but can't.
Idreamthefuture Idreamthefuture
18-21, M
Dec 5, 2012