Such A Fool

Its long and complicated, but at this point in my life, I don't have a whole lot going for me. I had gone almost two years without cutting but I made a bad financial decision that left me completely broke and I have nobody to blame but myself this time. I've been alone for the past couple years, completely avoiding anything that had to do with relationships and now that I want to reverse that tide, there is nobody. I am not wanted, not by men or women. I'm practically in love with my best friend and she obviously doesn't feel the same. She's moving in a month anyway and has her own **** going on so I'm just the king of bad timing. I hate my job, I hate living with my parents, and I hate that I don't have enough confidence in myself to attempt to talk to anybody that I call a friend. Well that isn't entirely true, I've tried to drop hints, tried to put myself in the position where they can't avoid asking me if I'm okay, but unless I'm threatening my life or breaking down in front of them, nobody seems to ******* notice. In the past few months I've become an alcoholic, and if it weren't for ganja, I would be anorexic. I lost my appetite a long, long time ago, and for the past five or so years have been forcing myself to eat through sheer will power and knowing I should be hungry. But for the last year, I just can't find it in me to care anymore. I already don't take care of my body, I hardly remember to brush my teeth, i forget to shower a lot, I tend to ignore the things my body tries to tell me I need, and its just hard to try when you really couldn't give two *****. I've had my heart thrown into the gutter, my mind torn to pieces, my pride burned alive, and my love drowned in the ocean. I pretend to be an artist, a poetic soul, but everything I've ever made has been ****. Absolute ****. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see a person anymore. I feel less-than human. I feel that I don't deserve food, happiness, and love. I don't think I've done anything so horrible, but I can't come up with any reasons why I should have any of these things. The last time I cut was about a month ago, and I did it three day in a row without a second thought. I'm trying to give myself a reason not to do it, but God ******* damn it I want to slice my wrist so ******* bad. I wouldn't be able to hide it at my job so I can't do it on my wrist, but I could do it anywhere else and no one would be the wiser. I have no reason to ***** in front of anybody so nobody would have to know. I want to cry out for help, but I can't shake the thought that I would be admitting defeat. I haven't even let myself cry in the past few years. I've pretty much thought, if I cry, I die. So I haven't allowed it to happen. But I constantly feel it lingering, just waiting for me to give in. For a while I thought I could deal with the cards life dealt me, but all I do is lose. I can't even win at the things I'm good at anymore. I have a razor with me right now, just trying to find a reason not to do it. I was never fit for this world, and nothing is going to change that. If I can't even like the person that I am, then I can't begin to change my life. I couldn't even give you a definitive reason my I'm depressed and want to hurt myself, all I know is its been a long time coming, and I'm on the verge of a mental meltdown.
berryjoel berryjoel
Sep 10, 2012