I Thought I Got Better..

It's been almost 4 years since i last cut and I've never wanted to cut so bad until today. I don't know why but I've been so sick i don't know whats going on with me. I started getting nauseous and so i started to take anti nausea, well not really it was just walgreens dramamine but it looked like it had made the nausea pretty much stop and now it's coming back after not even a month and I know I'm not pregnant because I don't have sex often and even when I do I use protection. So what the hell is wrong with me? I was so happy and now all of a sudden I've been so sad and I've been crying so much more than normal and I just want it to all stop. I can't concentrate on school and I'm afraid I won't make it through this term because I already feel like giving up. I'm always so tired and I feel so alone.. I don't want to eat and when I do I eat so much more than I should. I miss my family that I haven't been able to see in over 6 months. I wish I had someone to talk to but even if I had someone I don't know if I would be able to trust them because I've had people say that they were there for me and that was the only thing they had said to me and then they just up and vanish.. Why am I the one that has no friends.. I want to feel normal. I want to feel happy. I'm tired of tricking myself into thinking I'm happy. I'm tired of faking it. I don't want to fake it anymore. I want to cut so bad and I don't know how much longer I can hold off of doing it. Even if I did have a relapse no one would know because I would be so scared of telling someone. No one ever really reads my posts so I doubt anything will come from this. I wish I could go to the doctor to see whats wrong with my stomach and why I've been so nauseous but I don't have a family doctor because I moved out of my dads house shortly after graduation in 2011 and I don't have a job or health insurance so even if i did have a doctor i couldn't go see them because I have no money or insurance to cover any of it. I depend solely on my boyfriend and he works as a driver for pizza hut and that barely covers my schooling. I wish I could be happy and healthy, but I'm not. Thanks to experience project I can't at least type out everything going through my head right now. I just want to go back to happiness, but I guess it just doesn't work out that way does it.
amurphy999 amurphy999
22-25, F
Dec 10, 2012