I Want To But I Just Can't

When  feel so angry and filled with sorrow i want to cut myself but evertime i have the knife or scissors on my wrist i stop. The feeling of fear strikes me, my mind races and drives me to my fiance. it makes me think how would i be able to hide the scars if i had the courage to make the cut; then i had an idea.. what if i pay someone to do it for me.. to cut me to make me feel better.

Others times when i want to cut its when i feel useless and hopeless. I just feel so stupid... That i want someone to punish me by cutting me so i can learn the hard way to do things. i dont know why i think those stuff....