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Cravings

There are some days, weeks even, where the thoughts of sliding the smooth blade of my knife into my skin flood my head. There's something so satisfying about the pain. The little teardrops of red running over the curve of my wrist. The way my teeth grit, and my eyes plead with me to look away but I never do. I always focus on the edge of the knife sinking into the flesh. Sometimes long powerful strokes, careful to not go deep. I don't want to make up stories about the scars. Sometimes only inch long gashes. I let those be as deep as I can. Those scars, no one will notice. Or ask about. I let the blood spurt from the wound. I lick it up with my tongue, the coppery taste soaked in fear and adrenaline. Release so sweet. So sharp and real. I don't do this for you to see. I do this for me. A kiss with death, a look over the edge of a suicidal leap. Temptation.
I promised I'd stop. I promised. I know there are people out there who love me. i know that now, that's why I made myself stop. But there are days when I am alone. And days when I find the knife hidden by my bed. And times when it smiles at me like an old friend.
I wish I could just skin my own arms sometimes. Not stopping there, just mutilate my cheeks and chest, and criss cross cuts down my legs, a permanent fishnet. And then cut along my neck. Watch dark blood streak down my body. Watch myself drain.
But I don't.
I won't.
I promised.
Ughh. But how I wish I could.
Girlonwire Girlonwire 18-21, F 13 Responses Jul 3, 2011

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I haven't actually done it, but the thought is almost constantly with me.

I know this. I know how sweet it seems, to cut, to bleed, to feel the rush, to taste your own blood. It is an addiction. I wish I could stop it too.

Um this is kind of extreme but well done. Very well written. I'm still cutting, well I've stopped for now but I want to cut myself and feel the pain.<br />
So thank you for just saying the truth and what YOU feel instead of what other people want us to feel.

I say I've quit cutting, but I've slipped up a few times over the years. And before that, I was definitely addicted. I hate to admit, and am definitely not condoning or encouraging it for other, but the way this is written, the desc<x>ription of process is so wonderfully, poignantly evocative of the delight and struggle (and the delight in struggle) that is at the root of cutting (at least for those who don't do it for attention but for actual pleasure and release). "A kiss with death, a look over the edge of a suicidal leap." It's stunning and painfully true. I wonder if anyone other than another cutter can understand? Would an artist or poet look on these words and recognize the beauty? I think so, if they put judgement aside

I can relate to this quite well. I admire your strength to keep your promises I hope that one day i too can keep my promises not to give in to the desires of self mutilation

Do you know the difference between internal thinking(inside your head) and external thinking(whats going on around you). When you are feeling emotional pain your totally focused on your thoughts inside your head, but when you cut it makes you focus on the external enviroment thus making your pain lesson. Try to get involved with something that makes you focus externaly like playing video games, sports, talking to a friend.

Ithink the sight of the crimson falling from my wrist is beautiful, the color, the contrast against my pale skin.. Blood is so beautiful, and i too hold the addiction of cutting(and burning) in my heart.

I'm sorry....but this breaks my heart; because i know that someone truly wants to feel death. But see, it's not just feeling because you can't get just a dose. You get the whole thing. And you can't give it back.

Wow! This really speaks to me. <br />
I just started and I know already that is so hard to stop.

I van relate. It's so hard to quit...I miss it everyday :/

You speak nothing but the truth. My life, it feels the same.

You remind me of the woman I once loved. Your words, your desires.<br />
<br />
I'm horrified and sickened.

Wow, I really feel this story. I feel your desperation and your incredible desire to cut. I feel it because of the words you wrote and because of exactly how intensely I can connect to it. I know exactly how you feel, and how hard it is to quit and STAY an ex-cutter. I wish I could too, but I must keep my own promise as well. Stay strong <3