Beautiful

          I'm possessed. My whole life is focused on this one thing: cutting. when I'm not doing it, I'm wondering when i will again, how to hide the scars, the scabs. where am i going to get new bandages, Neosporen, razor blades. I started carrying a blade with me in my wallet- just in case. I've never been this bad before. Last night I cut too far....right across my stomach. It hurts to sit. I feel so empty with it, but I feel emptier without it. cutting is my best friend, my worst enemy, my lover; always with me.
         My whole life is divided: before I cut, and after I started. no matter how many times I stop, it manages to creep back into my life, back into my soul. I love my scars, I love the way the blood comes out of these marks, marks I made. its exhilarating, it puts me in control. but I hate it.... I wonder if I control it or if it controls me.....
screamingsilently screamingsilently
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 12, 2012

Well, you should be asking: How can I stop this? and Why am I doing it? The pain of the cut/mutilation is a momentary distraction from the pain in your heart.

When I was in sixth grade, I was in the line at the cafeteria in school, along with my classmates. I was in a quiet discussion with the girl beside me when a teacher grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the line, in front of the entire cafeteria filled with students and proceeded to whack me on the rear 3 quick successive times in a very firm fashion which stung. I was in a dress. Can we talk about humiliation?

Anyway, after that, I went home, grabbed a razor and went to sit under a bush by the side of the house. I sliced up everything but the veins that counted. I had to stop feeling the pain and feeling physical pain was the ticket for me at the age of 12. My mother did not notice. No one did by a teacher who asked me what happened and I told him I fell into a rose bush. No one, NO ONE said anything about it.

You are on your own. You need to figure out what your pain is that is so unbearable you must feel physical pain to push it back? It was a childhood thing, as always. Bad parenting is a menace to society...so you must figure it out. Someone you loved/depended on rejected you? Were you exploited? Did you feel cheated? Misunderstood? personality clash with a parent? Someone you loved disappointed you maybe because they considered you a disappointment?

Just because they are our parents doesn't make them right.

You need to put this behavior in a vault, and bury it once you realize what caused you to shrink away from the moment your real emotions were to unbearable to experience, and replaced them with a physical sensation called pain (your anesthesia). Expect to cry, expect to think about it over and over again and tidbits of information surfacing a little at a time. Try to remember your dreams and see if they give you any clue.

Get this resolved. It's very painful but it's far worse than having this impact you as an adult - which may lead to addiction due to the socially unacceptable nature of this obsessive-compulsive act.

its a scary time for you when cutting consumes your life, i know it is hard and unimaginable to try and stop yourself but cutting is something that you dont want to control you, when will it ever bleed enough?, be enough, how many scars is to many? to you want to hide behind bandages forever, every scar is and forever will be a painful reminder of the hard times you have gone through. i know its hard to stop beleive me when i say i know how you crave , desire and need to see the blood seep from your skin. but it is not the answer to the hurt inside. i wish i could help you further and show you there is a better way, cutting is a temporary fix to a very perminant problem. talk and someone will listen.