All I Want

I have been a "cutter" since I was a freshman in high school, 5 years ago. I started it for attention - which is something I'm not proud of, but something I can't take back. It was for attention until the first day I felt an "improvement" in myself afterwards. It's so hard to explain, but I feel like this group would understand what it's like to feel like you have to punish yourself for your mistakes. I know that people have different reasons for cutting, and mine was for the release of my emotions. I get so over-whelmed that I have no choice but to cut to get rid of my anger, sadness, and hate for myself. In the beginning of my REAL (no longer intended for attention-getting purposes) cutting history I could hide it, and cut once every week or two. But then the urge started to hit - every emotion had to be "taken care of". That's when I started cutting every day. By the time I was 18, I was cutting almost 2 times a day, everyday.
There was one night though, that I will never forget. I woke up and went to the bathroom and started cutting. I didn't even know which way I was going or how deep. I lost my control. When I woke up in the morning my sheets were covered in blood and I realized that the cuts might need stitches. That scared me the most because in the beginning, my cutting was a way to gain control over my emotions, and that night, the cutting gained control over me. That's when I told someone and got help (which was a super long process) and got a tattoo to cover my arm. It has been a little over a year without any self harm, but I've held the razor to my wrist a million times, thought about it every day, and gotten angry with myself for doing so. But tonight, more than anything, all i want to do is cut - and make it my last time to be tempted by anything, to be angry and hurt, or to breathe.
koren7 koren7
18-21, F
Sep 24, 2012