For A While...

For a long time I've wanted to die. So much. I always said (mostly to myself) that it's not that I want to die. I just don't want to live. In my mind, I'm choosing the lesser of two evils. Or i'm not choosing right now but that's what I'd rather have. And I just can't bring myself to do it. The only thing I don't want is to feel pain. Almost every day I hope and pray for a car accident. I know that's wrong because it would put my family in danger. I guess at this point I have only one reason for not doing it.
It would cause them pain that they don't need. Me dying alone, without it being suicide is painfull enough. But it wasn't until recently that I realized, suicide is selfish. It's rotten and mean to make them sit through that. My family is depressed enough without me killing myself. That's why everyday I hope for some accident that will give me what I want. But I don't do anything to earn it. I don't know how I could anyway.
hurts2much hurts2much
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 10, 2010

I feel the same way. There's not much I can do though other than hope things turn around for you. If you need someone to talk to, I'm always available.