I Cannot Think Independently And Have Given Up On Myself

all my life, i have based my opinions and behavior on other people. people have always thought i was really social but thats because i would see them in a social context, like a party--where you can be fake, and then i would hide away and isolate myself for the rest of the time. i became obsessed wih image and what was "cool", now that im in the real world and cannot seem to formulate my own opinions or values on my own. ive always run away from learning new things because i always feared that i wouldnt understand it. now my worst fears are coming true, and i really truly dont understand some very basic things, no matter how well its explained to me, like how to separate laundry colors. I just started a new job and i can feel my managers frustratin, hlw i am silent in meetings, how i dont do anything unless she tells me exactly exactly how she wants it done, i repeat exactly what she says. im just not undrestanding what people are saying to me. i want to give up on life...coz it feels that i will have to be taken care of for the rest of my life. i cant take care of myself, i dont know how to pamper myself, i have no true friends i dont care for anybody or anything, i have no hobbies, i have problems making new friends, im scared of everything and anything and have had weekends where i just lay in bed from friday night to sunday morning, getting up only to pee or wash my face. its getting to be a big problem. people at my work are starting to notice that i don tknow what im talking about (uits been 4 month sso honey moon period is wearing off).

can somebody help me? do i have a brain tumour, learning disability or is it depression? im going to see a doctor tomorrow but i think its more than just depression. depression can be treated but i fear my stupidity and lack of creative drive to learn cannot. help somebody, i want to eat a loaf of bread with rat poison but cant bare the thought of my family having to take care of the aftermath. but this life isnt life, its just like im dead. i dont move and when i do move, i cant get out of negative thoughts. i volunteered at this homeless shelter and even felt envious of the beggars that they had personality and the will to live.

tryingtofeelworthwhile tryingtofeelworthwhile
Feb 14, 2010