What Happened To Me?

I've heard and seen so many stories about people who have fallen from grace to turmoil through the course of so much loss. Whether they just grow up in a hopeless situation, catch their spouse cheating, lose a child to cancer, whatever...  There's always someone out there that has LOST (being the operative word) more than I have ever gained.  It's conceivable to sympathize for those people that can't control these situations that ultimately wreck their lives because... well, they can't control it.

I, however, am not one of those people. I'm an attractive, well-spoken, athletically gifted guy with above average intellegence. My family has always supported me emotionally and financially.  I've never had a problem with women.  I've never been told by anyone that I "can't" do something. And I've never been the victim of devestating circumstances.

That said, for over 10 years i have been in complete misery.  I blew an academic scholarship and turned down the chance to play Big 12 football. I've deliberately burned every bridge to close childhood friends and even family members. I've cheated on every girlfriend I've ever had with other girls that weren't even in the same league just because I "could"... whatever the **** that means. And I now have an illegitimate daughter as happy, affectionate and beautiful as I could ever wish for that I literally have to talk myself into tolerating every day. I am a burden to all who remain in my life. I quit my job on an impulse 3 months ago and haven't even tried looking for a new one out of fear of seemingly inevitable failure. I haven't looked forward to anything in so long that indulging in self loathing is the only thing that brings me joy anymore. My ambtion ends with quickly driving through the closest fast food restaurant once a day to sustain my hunger.

I truly, emphatically HATE myself.  I have no idea what happiness feels like.  And what bothers me most is why turning out like this is a complete mystery to me. I feel I'm intellectual and empathetic enough to never judge others which has always made me a good friend to talk to.  But when its my turn to vent I open emotional floodgates that drown the poor bastard that was dumb enough to listen.  Whatever this is, I don't want it anymore.  I can't live like this much longer.  What the **** happened?

hexcreament hexcreament
26-30, M
2 Responses Mar 9, 2010

just came upon this site today for the first time and read your post. I am in the exact same boat. I dispise myself, have tried to rid myself of all my friends simply because I dont think i deserve them and if they knew all that I have done in the past 5-6 years they would hate me anyway. I have a great family but still turned out so messed up for some reason. <br />
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Anyway, I dont really have any advise to offer you obviously since my life is a disaster itself. But maybe take comfort in knowing that there are other people who have effed up too.<br />
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lets hope that second chances really do exist.

you with out relizing it went down the wrong path and simply didnt care or know. (i think its care) after you started going down that road it all you knew so you kept spireling down until you finaly relized whats going on. But you still dont feel or care. Your mind has shut down in order to protect yourself. you need to find out what is causing you to shut down. think of it as a mild version of shell shock, your aware of whats going on but your not sure how to stop it or in some cases what it is <br />
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hope this helps - P.S. if u need 2 talk let me know i have some personal exsperience with this kind of stuff