So Sad I Can't Shake It....

In 06, I quit a fabulous career, sold my stuff and moved 2000 miles for a man that I thought I was going to marry.  We had been dating for a year and he lived across the country.  Not long after my arrival, he put his needs first.  Over and over.  Told me to get over it.  I then moved across the country with him since he owns a business for a few months out of the year with his family in New England.  During this time, he would tell me he didn't love me and wanted me to leave and then tell me not to leave that he did love me.  I finally left an have been heart broken ever since.  He doesn't speak to me at all anymore, left a phone message on my phone with a conversation between he and his new flame (said he didn't know he did it, he's 40).  I can't get my life back together.  I've bounced from job to job and I had worked for the same company for 8 years.  I loved him and still do.  I can't live without him and I certainly can't have him back.  I never had the chance to ground myself in my new environment when I moved and he would call me jealous girl....which is far from the truth.  he also talked about how big his penis was constantly.  Why do I love this man? There were many wonderful thigns about him though.  I'm so sad.  I almost jumped off the bridge today and I talked to myself the entire way to "get off the bridge, get off the bridge". 

rho21 rho21
28 Responses May 26, 2008

Life can play the cruelest of tricks on you, I feel very much like the user Devastayted on here. I feel so much pain trying to be alone, i'm trying to teach myself how to be alone and not need anyone but it's very very hard.

I fell head over heels in love with a woman who seemed to be everything i ever wanted. I'd noticed her in the pub where i work a few times, and simply thought wow! That girl is stunning, like one in a million stunning!

She appeared there very rarely, but then just before christmas she came in again... This time i thought i'm gonna at the least let her know that she's incredible, somehow. Having come to the bar i made a point chat to her, i couldn't believe it within minutes we were both in stitches laughing with each other, we got on incredibly well.
With this in mind, whilst having to go to the cellar my only thought was " I have to give her my number ". By the time i got back up, she was waiting for me at the door to the cellar, she had a phone number in her hand for me. She asked me if i had a girlfriend...
I infact did have someone who i'd been seeing for almost 2 years by this point, but although it was someone who i liked very much, and respected hugely. It was someone that no future could really lay with, she was 20 years older than me.

...with this in mind, i considered my response very thoroughly and for some reason all i could hear in my head, very clearly was "this is the one, this is the one" as mad as it sounds. I said i didn't, she gave me her number we had a heated saucy quick snog there and then, pretty much right in front of an entire room filled with people doing a sunday quiz.

She ended up waiting for me to finish, she waited for 3 hours. We went back to mine and made what can only be described as the hottest of fires made by 2 people. We were fire! But more than that, everything we talked about from then on after that night was like we'd been split at birth, as if we were one of the same. Even to the point in which she like Queens of the stone age, but not only that her absolute favourite song was " i wanna make it wit chu" from desert sessions, which is rare. But which happened to be mine too! Everything was like this, to the point of being ridiculous. We got on leaps and bounds, everything seemed perfect. i broke up with the girl i was seeing, simply because I had to, there was no doubt in my mind that i wanted this! We met again, it was even better.

I'm a man who's very good bed, and what we could do to each other was unbelievable. Actual ecstasy, fire, passion, danger all those things. I'd fallen to this SO very hard, as much as i tried not to.

5 days later after things still seemed to be getting better and better, she sent me a text saying quite simply " It's great to have finally found someone i can have no strings fun, who's cool, funny and great to be around, it's very rare"...

The penny had dropped, it was the way it was because she didn't want anything real from it and had no intention of wanting anything real from me or anyone for the foreseeable future. I tried to pretend it was fine being just **** buddies, but it took literally only half an hour before my head told me, this simply won't work. Because i'll feel the same way in 6 months, but it could be worse and it could crush me.
We had to shut it down there and then, and it tore my guts out doing it. Because I never thought it was actually possible to fall IN LOVE with someone, and have one of those movie style passionate firey beginnings, I thought i actually had it. And for a brief second, it felt like anything in this world was possible, I was a man in TRUE love. But then real life happened, balance was restored, it was ended.

It only lasted for one month, 5 months later I'm still in pain! It has faded, but it's never gone away. I battled really hard with depression since, i'm very strong minded and usually drag myself out of it. But sometimes i just feel like i want to die, my body and soul just hurt SO much. It feels like life can play the cruelest of jokes on someone, to give them all they've ever wanted and dreamed about, and then just to take it away like that. I'm still struggling, i hope it doesn't destroy me, but sometimes it feels like it might. "manning up" is alot harder than people think sometimes!

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Some people always love, what they can seem to 'get'. Rejection, is the emotion that makes you 'think' you love this being. Dis-belief in the fact that You fell for a monster such as he, has you Stuck. Pull your boots up hard, by the boot straps, un-suck your feet from the muck you are trying to drown in and get going. Going back, or going forward, just get going and get as far away from this demon as you can, and NEVER ever look back!

Yes I know the feeling to my ex wife told me I was Supost to die and was sleeping around behind my back all the time we were together so I don't won't to be here. I have no lust for life and am too, cutlass to end it too. I would love to be happy and at peace one day""

I loved someone very much and he loved me too. We were truly meant to be together and well because of some problems we couldn't be together. So I was planning on killing myself but he made me promise not to every kill myself. An that someday we would be together, but I realized he said that cause we could never be together. Now I'm always sad and I want to die but I won't our promise. Be brave and don't let heartache win.

I can relate to your story hun, I loved a woman so much that over 12 years I put eveything second to her, my family, my good name, reputation, my own needs and everything else you can imagine a man would do for a second chance at love everlasting. She left me for another man who will only use and hurt her. So why did she leave? Because I could not follow her downward spiral. She lost her family and job after and assault where I was the only one to stand by her, support her and after seven years insist that she save her life for our sake. Now I find myself wanting it to just end. I'm sad and lonley and dont really careif I wake tomorrow. I do what I can to avoind coming home to an empty house and drink as much as I can to make the night go away. I resigned myself to the fact that she is gone and I am 47 and do not want to spend the next several years trying to drinkmy memories away. Good luck to you baby, Iwish you well. Wes.

I know the pain and suffering you are going through. i feel that exact way this very second. I have a disease called schizophrenia and it is horribly draining of the mind body and spirt. I am 18, and have had thoughts of pursuing music as a career. schizophrenia is crippling that dream due to the effects it has. this man seems to be having the same effect on you. At the end of the day all you have are your thoughts, experiences, and goals. your thoughts lead to your goals, your goals lead to your experiences. (if you try try try) sometimes i feel like life is going to be impossible. but my gradfather taught me never to give up. losing hope is inevitable, no one is perfect. But giving up is somthing you CHOOSE to do.

i cant speak much of love because i really do not know, but i do know how heartbreaking life can be. I'm not going to lie, life really can suck sometimes. tax's and bills and bla bla bla, BUT the best way to deal with the bigger problems, is to pick them apart slowly. you gotta walk before you can run sorta thing.

Your day sucked at work BUT the smell of freshly mowed grass wafted up through your nose on your walk home, and you smiled, just a little.

freshly mowed grass is a poor example but what i mean to say is that the really small, like, really really small things eventually add up.

One thing i find really helps me, i have started to write a little journal, its pretty personal in ways, but it helps me keep track of any funny thought i might have had during the day. or anything i may find interesting. that way if im feeling down, i can reboot by mind by reading. AND a subject that

1) i find interesting, since it was my thought originally
2) remind myself that life isent all that bad.

i found this blog after i typed "im so sad i want to die" in to google.
i was really getting frustrated after another poor attempt at jamming. writing to you has really picked me up so in a way thank you, haha
but why i mentioned this last bit is, maybe if you were to do the same for someone else, it could pick you up a little.

yours truly

Love can be such a burden, for those of us who can't find it, all it does is make us suffer. I feel so vulnerable, I wish I could find happiness in being lonely but instead I am the mercy of my heart.

Every time I feel attracted to someone, it gives me a glimpse of Heaven, I feel like they are all i need in life to be satisfied and happy but I have never had the fortune of finding someone to love me back. This world is so cruel for the unlucky.

Sounds like my ex. I'm hopelessly in love years afterward and he wouldn't give a **** if I died and even rebounded on my after the girl he dumped me for dumped him before hooking up with another girl and never talking to me again. Why did I drive 2.5 hours to be treated like **** and a rebound then tossed to the curb again?

I am feeling extremely Low myself. Life can be so hard and cruel sometimes. I wish it were over. What is the point of living with extreme PAIN. I really loved this girl I was with for the last year and a half. It comes to light during a therapy session that I am TOO FAT and NOT financially secure. Looks and Money are the only way to have a lasting relationship in this Damn society. True Love...DOES NOT EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah it doesn't exist there either. I'm on all these stupid dating sites. I see noone worthwhile usually. ... Not because of money... Just basic intelligence, view points, ability to not be a total **** up at relationships. Those I'm interested in always seem to be going well for a small while, then get board and leave once they've found someone else, say it just isn't right or whatever and never talk to me ever again even just as a friend. I'm short but extremely attractive and make over 100000. I just want to meet someone who loves and cares about me and I can trust. Yeah right.

TOday I want to die, I really have nothing to live for I have damaged the relationship that I have with my aunt, I just don't know how to do it. Pills or just cut myself I don't have a gun. I need someone please someone help me

I feel your pain. I was in love and my love was taken away from me in a bl<x>ink of an eye, due to another women. I am sorry that this happened to you! I believe that stupid things happen to use to make us stronger it is just really hard to see that we are stronger when we feel so weak. I would love to talk more I feel like we would connect. Message me!

Some men are real t***s and I say that as a bloke myself. We can be manipulative and demanding, but for every horrible useless loser out there there are several decent guys. Its strange how the bad ones always seem the more exciting and interesting. <br />
I would echo whats been said above. You're clearly a far more decent person than this guy could ever imagine being in his wildest self indulgent fantasies. You deserve better, far better than this twerp. Losing someone like that, especially after everything you gave up for him will hurt it is only natural. However moping after uselss bloke all your life is throwing good time after bad. It is an old cliche but time really does heal. One day I reckon you will meet a really nice, honest, caring guy - who doesn't need to boast about the size of his wotsit like some sort of self doubting idiot needing reassurance - and you will wonder what the hell you ever saw in him.

You were abused and manipulated by an insensitive and cruel person. You need to find a support group and forget about him no matter how you feel. No decent person would treat someone that way no matter what good qualities they seem to have. If he brags about his penis he has serious insecurities. I feel for you. I wish I could help in some way. I just want you to know that I care and I wish I could help. Many people consider suicide and most are later glad they did not do it. Please don't give up.

Honey dont sweat it. Did you hear about the women that killed 3 of her children because she lost her "love,"...........she has a facebook page too. Dont be like her. That man is not worth it.

he's horrible! He doesn't deserve your love. and never, EVER think about suicide, because you have your whole life ahead of you that you deserve to live to the fullest. If you had jumped, you would have let the bastard win.

If he knows your hurting its just a power boost for him. Don't things that make you happy and when he finds out how happy you are he will know what he lost and how stupid he was. I'm going throgh something similar and thats the road i have found that works for both moving on and getting some form of revenge.

I just never understand when smart women with so much going for them develop this "life is not worth living attitude" over a dumb.... a s s man. <br />
Darling, you MUST find some way to fall in love with yourself. <br />

i was and am hurting like you and im still married to the man..ive tried to take my own life also just to think maybe if i die maybe i would be able to see his reaction when im dead just to see if he cared.. there are other ways to deal with the pain killing yourself is not one of them..i guess we have to learn to love ourselves first before we can trully love a man or anyone else.. a good woman doesnt deserve to be disrespected or downgrated for love because love isnt supposed to hurt us but sometimes it does,and i know we all wish that because we love someone so much they will love us back the same but we have to stay in control of our hurt and dont let it control us.

I get confussed about all the stuff I read and it usually is about love gone bad or this guy or girl hurt me so bad.. I will never kill myself over someone else.Its so stupid to listen to the nonscense. I am not trying to say your pain is not as important as annyone elses. I am just saying relationships do not kill.You should never blame someone for your insecurities. They are yours.If you want to be treated bad by someone thats completely your choice. It takes two people to be in a crap relationship, I want to say something about inner pain my own no one elses. Just mine. I have have up's and down's in my life. But it never added to my real pain, in me in my head, in my soul,,It never leaves.It is there like a disease.It is all about me though. The other parts of the goings on are just happening of life, good bad or whatever they do not dictateor change the one thing that is in my head.It has been there forever, before I can real remember life.I sit and listen to oh my life is so bad or I AM NOT LOVED BY MY HUSBAND WIFE GIRLFRIEND, OR BOH FRIEND,<br />
My God are you kidding me. Thats what would make you take your life, well poor you.gey over it and you usually do. Wake up to your head fighting you do it do it do it,and you have no understanding why really. I have bad days i have bad situations with people, friends loved ones it is not them...It is me.Please try to understand I am not taking away from your pain. I get it.. I am saying this thing wirh me is just I am a fairly intelligent person and I have alot going for me I have people who care and love me...It ha nothing to do with that...It is me ,myself.I claim it alone.I have no hate, nor ill feelings torwards anyone. I do not any one to have pain from anything i do or do not do..I believe life is yours to control one way or the other. No one should have the right to tell you what to do with your self.So I just wanted to put some impact and another aspect or another persons though. Thanks.

I'm so sorry..... but I wanna ask you a question..... is it really worth killing yourself for??? I guess not.... no I believe not..... he talks to you about his penis.... what the **** he thinks you are????...... as far as I'm concerned he's lost such precious pearl that is you..... you moved on for him.... dumped your carrer & stuff..... believe me..... a woman like is better off alive than dead...... I wish I could find someone like you to stick on her for the rest of my life ..... by the way how old are you ??? :P lol I'm just kidding I know you're older than me... unfortunately for me.... I was just trying to make you smile..... c'mon smile precious pearl..... yesterday happened.... look ahead .... tomorrow is all new waiting for us..... isn't it????

I'm so sorry..... but I wanna ask you a question..... is it really worth killing yourself for??? I guess not.... no I believe not..... he talks to you about his penis.... what the **** he thinks you are????...... as far as I'm concerned he's lost such precious pearl that is you..... you moved on for him.... dumped your carrer & stuff..... believe me..... a woman like is better off alive than dead...... I wish I could find someone like you to stick on her for the rest of my life ..... by the way how old are you ??? :P lol I'm just kidding I know you're older than me... unfortunately for me.... I was just trying to make you smile..... c'mon smile precious pearl..... yesterday happened.... look ahead .... tomorrow is all new waiting for us..... isn't it????

Now ,may 7th ,2010 i have the same feeling with you ,but we have to struggle to get over it . i know it is not easy for us ,but please cheer up . <br />
Life is more than the past .

I know how that feels and how hard it is :(

i know this was written about two years ago. but i hope things have gotten better for you....hopefully your heart has healed and learned to love again.

If you are feeling that much pain- you might want to re-examine your life. C.S. Lewis wrote a couple things that help me. I am also not over someone- it has been 4year. He said God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts to us in our pain. In other words you wouldn't know anything was wrong unless it hurt. So you don't feel alone- look into Limerence- a documented case of the effects you might be experiencing. Lewis also said we either have two options when faced with serious emotional pain - either turn bitter and cold or turn to God. I picked God. I am still suicidal, but I am still here. Life isn't a drive, it is a ride- we have no control.

No man is worth losing your life over. I know you feel as though you will never get over this, but you will. You will eventually stop torturing yourself and before you know it, you will be ready to love again. This time it will be with someone who is more deserving of your love. Right now you need a diversion. Try to focus on yourself and your new life and be open to reaching out for help. There are suicide hotlines and they are free. Just one baby step forward is a step in the right direction. Millions of woman have gone through a similar situation and didn't believe they would get through the darkness, but you know what? They did!

I'm sorry you are hurting. Quit torturing yourself with this guy. Move on. There are so many more deserving men out there.