What Is Happiness?

No really, what is it? I do not know. There hasn't been a single moment in my life where I had to smile without the need to force it. A genuine smile, I never gave it. Why? Because I've never ever been happy.

I've been alone as long as I can remember. I got, and still get, bullied on a daily basis. Feels like everyone is out to push me to the ground, or maybe they're trying to push me 6ft under. I never really had any friends. Never had anyone that I could turn to. I always try my best to make others smile, making them happy. But no one ever does that for me. No one ever tries to make me happy. Guess I'm not worth it. I don't deserve it, right?

It's what everyone says afterall, I'm useless. I get blamed for everything. Even things I don't do or possibly couldn't have done, I get the blame. And I accept it because I always take the hits for other people. Always. Yet, those people I cover up for are standing there pointing. Laughing. Mocking. Even the people that raised me call me useless. They can clearly see that I'm suffering alot. They know that I'm at my limit, yet, they don't care. I'm still worthless in their eyes.

The only possible way for me to get any form of relief is to feel physical pain. Yub, I self-harm. The people that raised me know about it. And here's what one of them said to me. "Maybe you should've gone deeper.". This same person also tried to strangle me a few times.

So yeah, what's the point at all? No one cares, that's obvious. Seems for the better if I just leave this place. Maybe I can finally have my rest then. I seriously can't find a reason to keep going anymore. I'm done.
Synthrax Synthrax
22-25, M
Sep 5, 2012