Struggling For A Little Hope...

I have wanted to end my live for a long time. I even tried but failed. Ending up in a psych ward is no fun. I wish that things were better but I have had the same miserable and depressing experiences since I was in junior high school. Nothing gets better. It's like I have talks with myself to convince myself that things are going to get better. What if I offed myself and my "amazing" life experience is waiting around the corner? So, I convince myself of the reasons that I should stay. But, it never happens.

I am a single mother and I have no experience of truly being loved. My daughter is the only good thing in my life and I feel worthless because I cannot support her the way that I wish that I could financially. But, other than that, we have an amazing relationship. She is my only experience of what true love is like. And, being her mother is the only joy that I get out of this miserable existence.

I have degrees and cannot find a job. I have been looking since I graduated but things have not panned out. There was one good chance at a stable job, recently. I was working in one organization on a part-time basis (doing work that I could do in my sleep). I could barely pay my bills. But, I got so close to transferring to another department (where I enjoyed the people and the person that would have been my boss) doing work that I enjoyed but I let my boss (who never did his work to a competent level and blamed me for it) push me to the point where I felt like quitting. So, I did and I deeply regret it. I just did not feel comfortable remaining in a place where I was taking abuse from someone. I have had enough people abuse me to the point where I felt like nothing and it was something that I have promised that I would not ever take again. The problem is that I live in the real world and money pays the bills and buys independence, which for me would buy me a slice of the "happy" pie.

One good thing that has come out of it is that I found out that everyone from the company knows the truth; he is on the verge of getting fired, I heard) from my part-time position push me to a point where I felt that my only choice was to quit. I feel so stupid that I did it. I never would have let that happen before but I don't know what came over me. I was just at my breaking point and so tired of taking abuse (I feel like I take abuse from everyone) for pay that wouldn't even keep half of my bills afloat.

I wish I never did it and I cannot seem to find another position. I have been looking for 4 years and that was my only chance to make something of myself. I look out for everyone but myself. I am in my early 30s and I live with my mother and other family members, most of whom are ungrateful for anything that I do for them (and I have done a lot (even spent money on them when I was in a better position to).

At this point, I am getting older and feel like I've been hanging onto this life for no reason. If I can just hang on to see my daughter grow into an adult, then maybe I will finally be able to end this life with no guilt attached. I just wish that I had a purpose outside of myself to keep me going. I am a 2x rape survivor and endured so much abuse in my lifetime that all of my confidence has been completely shattered.

I have never experienced love from a man, not even from my daughter's father (he doesn't even participate in her life or willingly pay child support). He sees this whole situation as a way to control me. I don't have the money to even hang out and get my mind off of all of the things that are troubling me. I can't even get my car repaired. I am in school for my master's degree but I am beginning to feel like I am wasting my time.

After all, I have two undergraduate degrees and they have not done a damn thing for me but increase my debt. I don't know what to do. I just wish I could hold on a little longer and see myself feel like I have more purpose for my life that would make me feel like I am not a waste. I want to know what it is like to be successful. I don't need to be rich. I just want to be happy and afford a good life for myself and my daughter, working a job that gives me pride.
crusheddreams crusheddreams
31-35, F
Sep 24, 2012