Keep Going

I don't know how much longer I can keep holding my self up, and keep going. My friends and family sees me as a really strong person, and I hear it all the time, and ppl are always telling me that they are rooting for me. But I can't... The pressure it tearing me apart. My whole life I've been helping out people who needs it, especially my sister, since family hasn't always been.. what a good family should be like.

I was later thrown out of home and had to move in with my alcoholic dad. after 2 years I made it on my own and moved out and now I've been living by my self for about 1 3/4 year. except the school, my life sin't bad, not at all! And that's what makes this so hard! The other times, I've always known what to do, to get away from the pain.. now it's just plain angst and depressions. I smile around people and I do have fun, I really do. But as soon I'm alone, I'll go all the way down. I don't want to meet people anymore, I don't want to do anything, little makes me as happy as I was before, and it hurts, 'cause I've always used to be really happy! and honestly I love being happy. I'm thinking about suicide every day, I tried a few times through last week and the week before, but I managed to drag myself out of the situations with the though of me letting down other people. So honestly, the only thing that keep me going is that I don't want to let other people who try to help me down... But I'm not sure of how long that will be going on. I think I've tried almost everything except drugs.

I just feel really lost, I think I want to live, but my impulsivity and brain says something else, and and can't stop crying every time I'm alone... I can't be alone, 'cause I'm afraid I will take my own life soon.
ParaplyWithABowtie ParaplyWithABowtie
1 Response Dec 7, 2012

You didn't clearly state what changed that made you unhappy now. Are you under pressure from family, and it's too much now? Or did you get used to being needed all the time, and now you feel unneeded? Please share the specifics.