Surely Life Isn't Suppose to Be This Hard...

Life's got to be easier than this, surely... Complicated Grief they call it, but somehow having a label doesn't seem to help.  My life began it's slow downhill run in 1998 when my precious father died to cancer...I was 32.  From then I lost my professional career due to chronic fatigue, I lost the deposit on an 'off the plan' unit because I had to rescind the contract because I couldn't work to pay it, two of my dear friends were taken by cancer within the next 12 months.  I discovered my boyfriend at the time was cheating with a work colleague.  I had had enough and moved interstate to a warmer climate and fortunately was able to make a slow return to work only to have my new employer refuse to pay me $30,000 in comission (the amount I lost in deposit on the unit). 

My ex's best friend and I began a relationship and he moved interstate to be with me.  Within 12 months of me settling interstate another dear friend died of a seizure in his sleep.  I was offered a new job, my perfect job - event management, and enjoyed that until the General Manager got the idea that I was employed to replace her (which I wasn't, I was happy with my lot thanks) and began defaming me within the industry, then terminated my employment on the spot and I was escorted out of the building.  She then published a document that claimed I was 'unstable'...we know who the unstable one was!  I had a good case for defamation, but couldn't afford the $10,000 to fight her in court.  This was sufficient to cause a nervous breakdown and see me hospitalised with major depression and anxiety.  That was 6 years ago and I've never worked full time since and I've been hospitalised another 4 times with depression. 

2 years ago I found my partner of 7 years cheating on me with a 21 year old co-worker (I sure can pick 'em!).  I flew back to spend a few weeks with Mum to get my head around what's happened and decide what to do, when he moved her into our home.  He kept my precious cats and got rid of my beautiful exotic fish.  2 months later he packed all my things up and sent them to my Mum's.   8 months later he married her.  Then he obtained his Citizenship, for which I supported him on a spousal visa to first get residency.

2 years down the track and I still haven't put my life back together.  I tried 2 part-time jobs and couldn't keep up with either.  I sit in my room all day and watch TV.  I've put on 40kgs with the help of no motivation, anxiety doing anything outdoors and medication.  I've just had hand surgery and can't do any lifting or move my hand much without pain.  I spend no time on me; my hair is lucky to see a brush most days.  I have 3 siblings 13+ years older who are all married with grown up children - I hardly hear from any of them; I am the one who makes any contact.  All my friends have gone their own ways. 

Now that I have a policy in place to pay the debt my ex left me with, ironically $30,000, I feel it's a good time to check out.  Problem is, I'm gutless.  I use to be vibrant, beautiful, funny and very caring and loving.  Now I feel like an empty shell of a person, with nothing left to lose and no real desire or motivation to move forward.  In fact every day is just another opportunity to beat myself up for not getting back on my feet by now.  Surely grief doesn't take this long to work through.

I'm so pleased I found this group. I thank you for the chance 'off-load' in a safe environment.  My love and best wishes to you all...J

josh6780 josh6780
41-45, F
6 Responses Feb 16, 2009

I don't really know what to say to you, you have had a really rough timeand i really feel for you. <br />
Taking it one small step at a time is a good idea. As said above, try going out for a walk in the sunshine - away from your room and the telly, even if its just around the block or something. Walk a bit further each day or after a few days walk in the other direction. Thern make this a bit bigger each time. After that try to build in a few activities - simple stuff at first. Once your hand heals and you feel good about being out and about away from the telly try to meet people, just like a small hobby group or a coffe morning or something - nothing too demanding.<br />
Not topping yourself is not "gutless" its brave - you are keeping on going in the face of extreme adversity. There is hope for you yet and you will see it one day.<br />
I wish you all the love and happiness I can and hope my words have been some comfort to you even if its to know that someone somewhere is listening to you and sympathises with the terrible time you are having.<br />
Take care and come back and tell us how you are :o)

i am not brave or strong i cant be bothered

I feel some of what you're feeling, I think. I've found some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone by reading the stories of others within this group. I do believe that the circumstances in our lives can always change. Not knowing whether its going to be for better of for worse is what makes it so difficult to even fathom if this time its going to be worth it to make the effort and see change. Everyone's lives are wrought with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Unfortunately, some people are forced to experience the latter for an undetermined period of time. I try to tell myself that the strongest people in the world are only so because of their most painful experiences. Whether you wish to see it or not, life will be worth living again. And I see in you a strong person.

I ve battled with depression for a long time, i was never diagnoised with clinical depression ,it was events in my life that happened i could not accept or cope with. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain, that was the worst thing i could have done. I reached out and asked for help. I got a good therapist. I still have some crap days, but i try to do at least one thing a day i dont want to do. Life is very short. I dont want to waste any more of it. When i can get out of bed in the morning ,put my feet on the floor, straight away i have something to be greatful for. instead of watching telly all day, mabey u could try a short walk . visit the gym. I ask God every morning to get me through the day, it,s working . I thank Him each night. When i am honest with my self and look back over my day i always have somethingto be greatful for. I dont need to tell u things that have happened in my life,they were quiet horrific. I believe we are on this Earth for a reason. <br />
<br />
I hope u will u will find peace. please Take Care .

Perhaps you should kill people. Make them feel ur pain.

well to die is a easy thing and brave people always accept challenges .. and to live in today busy and full of problem is a real challenge so accept the challenge and prove your self brave... <br />
<br />
<br />