I Wish I Had Something Or Someone to Live For

I wish I had a genuine reason to live, but I don't. So, here we go again. I am going to post this story again in hopes that I can get some honest comments and opinions from girls on this matter.

I am a white male in my early twenties and I will likely live a short a life, mostly because very undesirable body and within that, my small hands and arms, bad teeth, huge head, bad stretch marks, fat belly, and my small and crooked penis. Its is roughly 5in by 5in. Besides this I am not horribly ugly but I am now getting fat at 190lbs now because I just don't care about taking care of my body for the sake of finding a partner who will not be satisfied anyway. I have only had sex with one girl and in my mind at the time, it was a very serious relationship. It was six years ago. It only lasted about nine months and its the only relationship I have ever been in. Its was a long distance relationship and I now strongly believe that she was cheating on me most of the time and she defiantly was at the end of it. When we were together she would sometimes say things like "it needs to at least go up to your belly button." or she might kind of laugh and point at the tag that was on my underwear that said "hang ten". I didn't get that at the time, but I do now. Its a long, painful story but in the end, the day after I broke up with her (after she was acting suspicious and I heard from people that she was cheating on me) she called me up with some other dude who was saying "hey I heard you have a baby ****" and she was whispering "baby ****" and telling me that her past f-buddy was much better in bed than I ever could be and so on. I should also point out that during this relationship she basically forced me to get engaged to her. I never treated her badly, not ever. She would never put any effort into sex especially if it was oral or anything where she had to do something, she would just f around holding it not really doing anything. Whenever I went down on her and a small handful of the times we had normal sex and she seemed to be enjoying it she would tell me that I'm "driving her crazy" and have me stop. I cannot forgive her to this day. I am not at all open to using any kind of toys or extenders or any of that ****. I, myself have strong sexual desires, but apparently from the research I've been doing using the real world and the internet I will never have a girl who wants to fulfill those desires because I am physically inadequate. So in these last six years I have had absolutely no 'more than platonic' contact with a girl. I don't want anything but a serious relationship, but I guess when it comes to what I want it doesn't matter because it seems that there is no one that I would consider "adequate" myself, who would have me. It seems as long as I exist in this physical body, I will never be happy and will always feel soul crushing pain/loneliness and feelings of hatred, envy and wrath. Girls probably think I'm rude because I hardly ever say hi to them or say anything to them but the only reason I don't is because I feel that it is pretty pointless because either it is impossible for me to ever be with them or they are already so tainted or I know that they have been with guys who I'm sure are bigger down there than me so I just don't try at all. I have nothing to offer them that they would actually want and consider it enough reason to stay with me. I also don't want to be just tolerable enough to stay with for awhile, I want to be a girl's everything and nothing less so they don't even consider other guys even in the slightest bit. I know that  that is supposedly unrealistic but I don't care, thats how I feel and I will not be lied to about that. This is the only way that I can express my feelings because I can't trust anyone enough to tell them what the main problem is because it is exactly the kind of thing that everybody, especially girls, just love to make fun of. And its not like a damn thing can be done to get rid of this problem. My existence is a contradiction to itself: what I need the most, I am the most ill-equipped for. I don't think that there is a one or anyone (for me) at all. I don't have enough personality or enough ANYTHING for any girl that I would like. I don't want to play up the 'motherly instinct' in a girl and I don't really want pity. What I realistically want now is a permanent rest from this, I want this to end. Also, no religion, it does not help.

So girls, is it wrong for me to feel this way?


22-25, M
3 Responses Mar 27, 2009

Well.. at first i considered not to reply on this post because it may no longer be in context of yours (i hope so) after 4 years.

What i perceive this situation is a kind of inferiority complex.

Here is what to do.
1. Love yourself. But how? Building your personality is one way. Go gym regularly. Be patient about the results it would take some time to repair.

2. Don't be alone or avoid trying to do that. At this point loneliness will only harm you.

3. Adopt some kind of discipline in your life about eating, sleeping & other activities.

4. Start changing your soft nature be aggressive at times & don't blame yourself for every things.

5. Don't let anyone hurt you. Give quick instant nasty replies instead of just listening to them.

6. Have something to do.. to keep you busy all the time. I can't help you on this but
have some passion.

7. Don't act in a way so that people will start liking you instead be yourself so that only right people like you.

8. Always do what you want, and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind

9. Don't try to act in a way to not to hurt others otherwise you will hurt yourself.

10. Believe in something. God, Karma, Destiny whatever so that no matter what happens to you are not left stranded. I suppose you don't believe in anything including yourself.

Summing up all above points are bull**** if you once get yourself into a job to keep you busy all the time so that you don't have time to think about this.

Tell you what there will come a time in your life when u will be married & living a happy life then these memories will only make you laugh they will not make you cry. So please stop worrying & go on.. an overwhelming future is waiting for you!

Sorry i'm a dude, but i had to comment on your situation because i had a similar one.<br />
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Tough break, that girl is such a "*****" but all women are "******" and all men are "******" we are all "******" because no-one is chast anymore like in victorian times. Generation X, gotta love it.<br />
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What you need to do to heal, is look into yourself and realise that you hate her, because she represents something you hate about yourself. and than pay attention to what that is, and look at why you think it is so. (it has nothing to do with your ****).

Hello DeadAlready <br />
I have just read your story and so i though you would value my opinion. Yes I am a women and i have reasonable experience with men in the past. I would tell you that I have met someone who is the same size as you in the past. I understand that it would damage your confidence and make you feel like this. <br />
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I would like to offer other points on view on a few things. A- you ex was out of line and you are far better person than she will ever be. My suggestion would try and get some councelling over the psychological damage she has given you. <br />
B- If you are looking for a long term relationship, I would prefer a man that provides large amounts of foreplay and fun than just wants to f*** you quickly for their pleasure. I think you would have lots to offer women. The main thing you need to concentrate first is to learn to love yourself focus on things you like about yourself and work out that if the women does not accept you as you are then they are not the one you want to be with. <br />
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I have done a lot of self improvement in the previous year or two as i had very skewed thinking patterns and needed to gain love and acknowledgement from other people. I have worked hard and im not saying this is the easy way out if i could disappear 2mor i still would but the good days i have now are so much better and i have had one relationship that has allowed me to be more myself. <br />
I recommend that you look at a self improvement book or two to improve self esteem. You are still young and have plenty of time to do it. You will meet someone specail in time and the relationship will be far more satisfying xxx <br />
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I hope this helped : ) <br />
Best of luck <br />
Its a long road but you are the only person that can save yourself! and i know you can do it