I'm Already Dead...
I guess I have been feeling emotional pain for a long time now, by the time I reached 26 I always though I would have done something. I am actually surrounded by pills right now.
I feel disappointed and I am unsure why, I left home at 16 (because I knew better) for no reason really. I come from a good, caring and understanding family. I spent three years with a man who beate me and I was a bit of a party girl who like a weekend of illicit substances. At 18 I gave birth to beautiful twins boys, I never wanted. Over the next six months I moved house contemplates killing the boys father and eventually threw him out instead. Drugs and parties tend to lose there sparkle when you have two small people depending on you for everything, poor buggers have no idea I have nothing to give. I couldn't sit at home all day, nor could I get a dead end job, college was the only way forward. I gained some friends, lost some friends and picked up a nasty habit for making myself sick after meals. I never has body issues, never really looked in the mirror and disliked what I saw until I had carried two children. I was used plenty of times and I too used plenty off men, no one would want to settle down with me, I can't even settle down with me.
I met a married man 17 years older than me and I fell completely in love/lust, having never met anyone who understood me I was . Obviously he hurt me, and I recovered. I finished college and started a degree course that had no relation to what I had just done in college. I spent two years doing this course and purging all my meals. The twins were 3 at this time and it was always commented on, how they were such happy satisfied young boys. Apparently I was doing a good job, I just wanted to have them adopted. Then I met David, I was 22 and he was 17. He was from a complete mess of a family and we got on, nothing was stable because we were both messed up in our own little way. I loved him deeply though, even though I felt nothing for anyone or anything else. When David turned twenty he could no longer function, and like a paragraph out of any decent psychology text book he had the breakdown. I knew it was coming and tried so hard to stop it happening, but I failed, I let him down and then he had to go away. Then I died. The psychiatric ward in the hospital was a peaceful place, I spent hours everyday sitting next to someone I no longer knew. Most days he would cry alto when I left, but I couldn't stay. I had to quit uni because it was my third year and my dissertation was about individual experiences of being diagnosed with bi-polar. I couldn't study because I was visiting my dissertation everyday and I couldn't cope. Some day's he wouldn't want to see me at all, because I was causing all the problems in his head.
He returned home five weeks later, and in only marginally better condition. His family failed him when he came home and I was appointed his full time carer. I had nothing left, I hadn't eaten for five weeks, hadn't really spoken to anyone. I could only just manage to cover the basics for the children. I couldn't cope, I had never been so frightened. I also blamed myself
I left him a couple of weeks later, and ran straight into the arms of another man. That was six months ago now, the new man took me on holiday 3 times over the summer. I have only just realized that he is wrong for me, he is controlling, racist, sexist, and tried to take over my life completely. The scary thing is I have spent the last six months with this man, and I have only just noticed what he is. I have been running away from my previous relationship and the pain it caused me. I now feel nothing. I am completely exhausted and I give up. There is a lot more to it than I can put in one small article, but the top and bottom of it is I feel like I am already dead and I don't want my children growing up like me.
I know what I need to do next because there are always people depending on me, I have to move house, I have to finish university, I have to help my family members out, I have to take part in extra curricular classes at the boy's school because I promised I would. When the night comes I just want a joint. For the past two weeks I have played scrabble on the computer for upwards of 13 hours a day, I spent the rest of my money on instant win games on the national lottery (no instant win in case you were wandering). I have always felt slightly empty, but for the first time ever I just feel so low