I Want To Die

I never lived a normal life...and when i realized that it was too late. i grew up in a conservative family. My father was an alcoholic who would beat my  mother when drunk.I was intelligent and different from my cousins and boys in my neighbourhood. I could never make friends with them. I was first molested by my cousine when i was about 5. This molestation then continued for several years.

So my life had all the ingridients to make a disasterous life; an alcoholic father, a supressed and always depressed mother, a cousine to molest and an unhealthy surrounding where i couldnt find a single person to confide in or to make friends with.

To cut the story short...i lived an abnormal life. No friends, No Sports, No Happy moments. Now im 27. I cursae myself every moment for not experiencing the normla life. I dont know how to play any sport because i never played any. I couldnt enjoy the company of friends. I havent enjoyed my life like many people around me did. My current friends talk about their goold old memories in college and childhood and i have nothing to share. I miss what i havent got ever. I cant contribute to their discussion of sports as i dont know anything about it.

 

My circumstances were such taht i could never get enough confidence to do things  i wanted to. my self esteem was so low, i would say it was negative. I decided to suicide when i was in tenth grade. imagine the ager where children are unaware of what life is and are just too busy in enjoying it.. i was thinking about suicide. i still have these suicidal tendencies but i never did anything and wont do ever. Reason, im the only son of my parents and i dont want to leaev them in this old age. I'm responsible for their bread and support them in everything they do. If i commit suicide, they will have none to take care of them. I cant do this.

This is a depression, all the time. i managed to get good degrees and good gradesa and currently work in a goog organization at a good position. But i realize that im unable to realize my full potential. i Have mood swings..depression that hurt my performance.

I wanted to enjoy my life like other people, I wanted to live the happy moments, i wnated to have memories to cherish,I wanted to feel the joy of winning a game( I never did )....

I see end of my life as the only probelm..I see my self sad and depressed ever in my life.Why did it happen to me? Why?

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26-30, M
Feb 20, 2010