I mostly hate my life. It's all about being abused as a child, physically and emotionally, being lost, I lost my mother age 11. Then I had to move to my grand-dads, and it was a very different life. I felt completely a stranger to my family. Then got used to it and made friends, after several years, and then my grand-dad died, a heart attack, and I was alone again. I left after a rape, and I had got pregnant, with my lover of the time. We stayed together for 10 years, and it was sometimes good, especially in the beginning, but not always. Then he left me. I have lost everything, and the day when Mulder comes back in my life, he has got to have a girlfriend? I can't be happy honestly. There is so much to fight for I know, and I do, but not by happiness, it's more by despair I'm fighting, and by hope, the hope of a better life which seems to never come out. Someday I just wanna end my life, because I'm so worthless. I can't be loved by the one I love. It's the biggest pain I've ever known, although I've lost many dear people in my life, be away from the one you love is the worst thing ever, worse than a rape, worse than losing my mother early. It's definitely the worse thing ever.
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May 18, 2012