Just Another Day Supposedly Alive

I can never have one day. Not one full day of something better then this. For too long I've lived this fake bullshit life. Putting on a smile and acting like Im happy just long enough for people to believe it. Because no one would ever know. No one would ever see the tears everyday fall my eyes. The pain every day pour from my heart. It's been too many years and too many tears to even want to continue. 12 years ago I wanted to kill myself and I wish i would have done it then. Because now 12 years later and every day since then I still feel the same. I wish I could erase everyone's memories of me then I could erase myself. I can't do it, I never could. I wish I could be that selfish, but my family would hurt deeper then me if i did it. So I take the pain, and I love and i lose and I take it again. Its suffer and it's torment and I hate myself for it. I'm fake, I've never been a real person. And I feel bad because I live with someone. He doesn't understand and he can't help, all he does it make it worse. I wish he would tell me to leave. I'm sure he will soon, he calls me a basket case and I know it's true. It's not easy to be fake with someone you live with. You can only hold tears back for so long. You can only hold truth back for so long. And the truth is I hate myself, I hate my life, I want to die.
Yellome Yellome
22-25, F
May 8, 2012