How Could I Tell Mom That?

Its simple as that. I want to die. Stop thinking. But its imposible to do it because i love my family too much. Sometimes i dream of bombing the entire house so we can die together. Other times i will drink until so bad that i am bored to even bother thinking or get up to pee. I think i have lived more than i was suposed to. My time is over here. I wish that i everyone hated me so my death wont matter. I try to get over this but nothing is preety anymore. And when they try to cheer me up it feels like they had it with my sadness and just throw tipical lines and i get berserked. I dont blame them. Theres a will to live in them. Coz its like desiese. If u stay with a pesimist fck like me sooner u will stuck it. I cant help this. I never know when it begun. Sudenly the whole world is a discusting spead *** pushing **** out into my eyes and mouth and ears. I dont like how people ar. I want to help them. I want to tell them to respect theis selves. I want inosensce back. I wish i was dead.
Theanonymuswimp Theanonymuswimp
18-21
1 Response May 10, 2012

I'm really very sorry that you carry this pain. I don't even have any answers for you, and won't even try, except you are right...it would hurt a lot of people. Why do you call yourself a wimp? You must be kinder to yourself than that...give yourself the same love and consideration as you give to your family. You do have value you know, even if you can't see it. It's a matter of uncovering that value to your own eyes. I really wish I had the answers for you. Why do you think you feel this way? Do you know what is causing your pain? Do you know what would alleviate it...I'm not talking drink, and doing away with yourself...but something positive in life. Think about it.

It would take years to figure out any of these questions. Everything has the oposite. The bigest reason of my pain is living in the city. Then everything my life stands for. Laziness. Empty promises. Overwhelming rage. And then boredome. I hate that the very thing that build me as a person is all those fealings. And whenever I am happy I try to subconciously block it out. Have you ever done this. I dont have a bad life. Actualy, in my opinion, I have even been favored by god. Beeing given the gift of creactivity is no little. It's the best characteristic on humans. I do not pay so much attention to get better but I love them as hobies. This is what keeps me alive everyday. And in a strange way the only thing that motivates me to draw or write or play is the very think that dooms me. Sadness. So I'll learn to take my sadness and twist it to my benefit. Thank you.

It depends on your approach to the problems, if it would take years or not. If it really makes you unhappy to live in the city, then you need to find a way to move to a place you like better. I know I don't do well living in the city, unless it is unique, and I've only lived in one city that I actually loved and adored.
The thing is...and I'm not saying it is easy...but YOU are the solution to 99% of your problems, and I believe you recognize this. You are your own worst enemy. You are punishing yourself whenever you feel happy because somewhere in your mind you feel/think that you do not deserve happiness. However, you show self-awareness, and this is the first essential step to improving the self, and one's experiences. I do have some positive suggestions for you. Things that have/are helping me grow and improve myself and my life. If you are interested, just let me know, and I will put them in a message. Live in loving kindness with yourself, and forgive yourself. Be well.