In Misery!

Everyone always say that things will get better or they say that God will help you through these bad times. I sit and think about my life and I wonder if I would change anything. My children are the only things that keep me going. My life has had things happen that I know others have been through.
When I was 14 my cousin rapped me and treated me like his sex toy. My aunt always thought her son could do no wrong so I kept it deep inside. My uncle often tried to stick his tongue down my throat. School was hard for me for these reasons plus I suffered from a learning disability. After that I thought my life would get better but the memories of my mom flooded my mind. she would get mad at me everyday. My mom suffers from a deep depression that my dad ignored. She loved to tell my siblings and myself that she wanted to die. At times she would accuse us of poisoning her. I tried to stay focused in school and be a good person. One weekend when I was 16 my friends and I went to stay at the beach. A guy I knew wanted to date me and when I turned him down he went and told these 4 Marines on the beach that I had a fantasy about being rapped, so I went walking and they grabbed me and rapped me. I tried to kill myself two days later at school. I slit my wrist and took a bottle of pills. The hospital told my mom that I needed help but back then they couldn't keep me unless my parents said yes. She was so mad and told the doctor that I just wanted to hurt her and I wanted attention. When we got into the car she yelled at me saying how could I embarrass her.

After that I became a cutter, when I would get upset real bad I would cut my wrist. I married young to get away from my mom and he turned out to be abusive but my mom loved him. She would ask me what I did wrong to make him mad. she didn't want me to leave him so I stayed married for 12yrs. Even after that she would invite him to all family functions.  

I met my new love after that and we were together for 2yrs and had a beautiful son and I thought things was great until one month before we were to be married I found out that he had touched my daughter. I wanted to die and kill him. I spent 7 hours at the police station trying to get him to confess so my daughter wouldn't have to testify. he finally did after I said that I wouldn't leave him. That was so hard to tell him because I hated him so much for what he did. Of course I had to deal with his family giving me trouble because they blamed my daughter and I for 
everything. 

I waited for 2 yrs then I dated someone from church. he turned out to be crazy. After 1 month he started beating me and choking me until I past out. He never lived with me but he would brake in and try to rape me every chance he got. I had him arrested, filed protection orders, nothing worked. My neighbor and I had a signal worked out in case I need him. it never stopped him, he came in once when my kids was with there dad and he slit my wrist and his so we would die.  I talked him to going to the hospital so I could get help. Luckily the doctor knew that he was lying about how the wrist got cut. He helped me get out of the room so then the security came and watched him until I could talk to the police and get away. he was sent to a special hospital. i thought that was it but the police let me down again. he surprised me 2 months later when he kidnapped me and beat me, raped me and tried to kill me. He dragged  me by my hair to a grave and told me I was going to die. the only thing that saved me was that I hit my speed dial on my cell and my sister heard everything. He found my cell and heard my sister screaming and my mom was calling and talked to him begging for my return. This man thought my youngest son was his even though I didn't meet him until he was 4. This is how my mom got him to bring me back by saying he didn't want his son to not have a mom. When we got to my house the police was there and my family. He jumped out of my car and ran into the house to hide the gun that he had had at my head earlier when he had me in my grave waiting to die. When we went to court they let him go on a technicality. He disappeared but always he would find my number and call me for 2 years after. It scared me so bad that I moved and I have changed my number and I have it unlisted. I live in fear to this day. This isn't even everything. I hate feeling like I ruin everything. I love my kids but sometimes I just want to disappear!!
Misery2U Misery2U
41-45
May 13, 2012