Mdd Constantly Tries To Win The Fight...

I am 19 years old and have been dealing with MDD(Major Depressive Disorder) for 2 years now... I have always been somewhat depressed-endogenous depression runs in the family- but it had never been as bad. MDD was triggered when my 2 year relationship with my now ex came to end.... I was - am - very much in love with her, but I never told her about the endogenous depression problems, to save her the trouble.. And after 2 perfect years i became distant, and careless with our relationship, bringing it to an end. This brought up MDD, self-harm and a short period of anorexia.. All of which I brilliantly managed to hide, and now wish I hadnt.. 2 years have passed now, I still cry for her, I still cut, I still want to die... The guilt of mishandling the situation eats me alive, the guilt for the pain I caused her, the guilt of ending such a beautiful relationship, the pain of not having her by my side... I just don't know what to do anymore... I keep a knife hidden in my room at all times, and the only improvement ive had is moving it from under my pillow ( sometimes id wake up in the middle of the night and the emotional pain was so strong i just had to cut in order to sleep ) to my nightstand.. I just... Im done... She's moved on, nobody knows about this, I'm in pain and in horrible pain.. I just cant take it any longer... I really wish I were stronger, and Im sorry about all this, I just had to let it out somewhere...
JS92 JS92
2 Responses May 19, 2012

Electro Shock therapy is for u!

Why are we all so sensitive to other people? What is it in u and me that makes us this way? I don't know, it's come down to one truth, and that is, if we depend on others for our happiness, we will be disappointed and if we depend on them for fulfillment we are left empty. I am trying to find in within myself, somewhere in here is a light for me to hold onto, my truth, my love, my life and in the end my death, all this is me, and it is enough.