Take The Time To Read & Help Me!

my life SUCKS! Im 22 & I STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was abused as a child & I was recently abused by a brother & received 2 blk eyes in a unprovocted attack. my parents say I deserved it. the charges aganist him were dismissed, my fam sat on his side in court while I sat alone.

im very nice, caring, & friendly but i don't have any friends. I sat alone at lunch in high school. Didnt go to prom, I wasnt asked. Never hung out on the weekends or went to any games, movies, or parties. there were rumors that I was gay & a *****, they were 100% NOT true. I was picked on for what I wore & being fat. I wore what I could afford since my parents didnt give me much of anything & I tried losing weight. Bc of those RUMORS & me being made fun of my lil sis said she was ashamed of me :'(

Ive never had a bf. I see couples in the park, in resturants, shopping, in the movies, & such. I picture it being me falling in love, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, & saying sweet things. Having someone to make love to, spend time with, make me laugh, who doesnt mind being seen with me in public, acknowledges im his lady, someone I love, & at lease half way cares about me back.

My sis just had a baby boy. she & my parents are in communication w/ my bro who attacked me. he's bought him outfits & things. he's gonna be influnced by the person who gave me 2 black eyes & the ppl who support him. I stilled tried to be a good aunt, bc he's so precious. children no control over being born into their life situations. everytime I hold him my mom frowns & takes him. I make milk she pores it out. my sis yells & cusses at him when he crys & throws his stuff. I ask to help her she yells & cusses at me then turns around & says no one tries to help her. for that reason im choosing not to attempt to be in his life anymore. my fam members have treated me SO bad I cant be happy to have another. I still pray he has good life & is great a MAN w/o an ever having an aunt.

I have no cash or a job. I got fired from a job I hated & worked at for over a year in Jan 2011. I got unemployment but it stopped once I got a temp job for xmas. I had to resort to having sex for a lil cash for gas & my food. in Feb 2012 I got a job at a spa I didn't have any money for gas at 1st so i had to continue sleeping w/ guys & selling blood plasma. i hated it but I kept coming, smiling, was friendly, & helpful. I enrolled in a dental assisting program while working there. but I got fired a month later bc they say I was rude. HUH?! I had to drop out of the program & stop seeing the doctor bc I couldn't afford it anymore. im still looking for a job.

a few days ago I had to apply for food stamps. It wasnt a good feeling, it hurt. ive always strived to be strong, independent, & self-sufficient bc ive NEVER had ANYONE do ANYTHING for me. I prided my self on looking out for myself. so to have to get on welfare. . .SUCKED! I felt like a failure even more than I did before. I didn't help that the lady at the office was SO rude. she had a "don't act like you don't want it" attitude, like she was better than me. any other day I would've cussed her the **** out but I "needed" her help so I bite my tongue. . .it's like just when you think life is at it's lowest point, it gets a little LOWER!

I was in college majoring in Biochemistry but I had to quit bc I failed ONE CLASS & was unable to get financial aid after that. I try to reapply every semester but to no avail. I miss going to school :(

I go to church up to twice a week. I feel invisible at the church I go to. I sit in the back alone, no one speaks to me, everyone looks at me like i have a big booger on my face (i check). I feel so out of place. I pray for God to help me. I try to have faith, live right, read scriptures, praise, sing, clap, pay what tithes I can, ALL THAT STUFF! Ive even fasted 15days w/o food! my life hasn't gotten any better. im starting to think God is like everyone else in my life, just leaving me for dead.
SERIOUSLY I WANNA DIE. ive even failed at my suicide attempts. boy im a loser.

what would you do if you had my life?
what should I do?

idk what to.

mscherryx12 mscherryx12
22-25, F
3 Responses May 25, 2012

Wow, everyone has different experiences. I am going through depression too. Sometimes I want to die, but I can't even attempt it. If I compared my story to yours, I would feel silly even complaining, but I guess that everyone's feelings are valid, right?

Your story made me cry. I hope you find a way to find happiness I really do. I am sorry I can no offer you any proper suggestions as to what to do. Sometimes life just gives you what you need at just the right time so I hope this happens for you.

aww thank you. I hope it does too.
God bless you.

Honey....you are not alone, even when it seems like the grass is greener on the other side. I try to rember that there is always someone who's going through worst......if we compared stories you'd probably believe I'm worst off.....but after reading yours, I believe its you suffering more. your so young, life is a roller coaster, I've been to the top and several times felt the emptyness of my belly as I dropped.....theres always a rainbow at the end of every storm, and everything happens for a reason. I know easier said than done, theres a saying that if you tell a lie so often and you keep it a lie for so long, you will eventually believe the lie you made is TRUE.....(keep that in mind)........just remember you never know what tomarro brings.......

thank you very much. I hope your situation gets better. God Bless.