The Blade Tips The Scales

So here I lay on the couch in my mothers apartment...what a loser. I just got back from basic training. Well being discharged..
The paperwork says failure to adapt but its really I'm suicidal.
My parents don't know how messed up I am. They just think I hit a rough patch.
If they were to really look at the signs they would see the trueth...I am a failure.
I don't even have the motivation to decide what to do next. I'm stuck in a mind numbing limbo of nothingness. I could try to go back into the military after college. That is IF I go to college. I make a grand display of having everything figured out. When I am really researching ways to kill myself. I just have to be sure its what I want.
I love my family very much,but life is pointless. We try so hard to do things to make a difference..in the end we get a few words sprinkled over us like dirt on our graves. No one will remember.
So if me being suicidal isn't enough I'm also a cutter and I have an eating disorder. I try to train myself to be a better person. And I fail.
Why? ....
Maybe its the satisfation of seeing my own blood or maybe the euphoia of the pain. Either way I know I'm messed up. I can't afford the treatment it would take to make myself better.
Yet I am still here ..for now.
My knife will decide if I stay or go.
Should life show me a reason to endure..I will.

MsForeverlotus MsForeverlotus
18-21, F
Sep 25, 2012