Why Bother????

Through out my life i have had a ****** up life never truly happy but always the person with the fake smile on there face trying to have fun. trough out my life i've been look down to, disrespected and even hated. I hate my life and just want to die. No matter what i do everything just seems to end out worst. The people closes to me are the ones that walk away from me when they find out who o truly am. I am a 19 year male that has tried to kill himself many times, but for some reason i was unsuccessful. I can't become close to anyone and no matter what i feel alone and this pain that i cannot describe. To me my life sucks and i can't see it getting any better. I've been in and out of hospitals and jail do to this. I hate that when i tell people my story that they all say the same things "you are just being selfish, why don't you stop to think about the people that care and love you." to me i feel as if i have no one. If this is my life why shouldn't i be the one to choose if i want to continue living or not? It should be up to me. The closes people are also scared of me. Almost everyone has given up on me just like i have given up on myself. Growing up throughout high school for three years i didn't have one friend do to something that occurred in my middle school years. People can be the meanest and the cruelest. So i have the I don't give A **** mentality. **** Life, **** Everyone. I have decided that i just want to die so that i can no longer feel this indescribable pain i aways feel. I have only been truly happy when i met a certain person now, just to be ****** over again and again. People talk **** about me and no one even knows me. Cause people listen to what other people say, it makes it extremely hard for me to even talk to anyone or make a true friend. So at this point in my life its not even worth living or continue going on. I honestly believe there is no point. The only thing i ever truly wanted was a person to take the time to get to know me and not judge me for who i am. I do not chose to feel this way or chose to be rude and a **** to people. People are that way with me so I'm just returning the favor. No one like to feel alone, talked about in a negative way, looked down to. for some reason i have been the one people go after . Due to all this i have cut myself multiple times which are now covered with my tattoos, i have attempted suicide twice. Feeling alone and unhappy all the times really just ends up getting to u. especially when it goes as far as someone throwing a lit bottle at you in a murder attempt just because they think its funny. The only thing i hold on to is finding someone that truly will not judge me and at least put the effort in trying to understand me, but now i finally realize that this will never happen and ones you have nothing to hold on to its better to just make a chose and move on. i have made my chose i and just feel like dying
IvisMendez IvisMendez
18-21
Dec 4, 2012