They Weren't Kidding...

People don't lie when they lose their loved one and feel like they've lost a part of themself. I don't feel whole anymore. It's painful trying to make it through the day knowing I'll only be going home to an empty house. I need her back more than I need to breathe, it seems. I fantasize about dying all the time. I get angry at every day that passes and I have not yet relieved myself of suffering. No. It's not just my loss. I also have Bipolar Disorder and things are only getting worse. I'm so exhausted from fighting all of this all of the time. She was just the only thing that made me happy. "You have to be happy with yourself....." Blah, blah, blah. I don't care. I'm tired. I've got all the help and support I need, but I just don't have the will. Living is just not for everyone. And, while I appreciate comments, please don't tell me to "Just look at the brightside of life!!" Read a book on Bipolar Disorder, first. I'm certainly not feeling sorry for myself, you just have to understand the way my brain is wired before you decide I think my life is so much worse than anyone else's. I don't think that. There are people starving in other countries while I eat mass quantities of Doritos. There are countries where you get your arm sliced off (Or MUCH, MUCH worse) just for belonging to the wrong tribe. I know I've got it better than some. But I just can't deal with the life I DO have. I want to die. There is nothing for me here. It's Natural Selection at work, if you ask me.

JanusOperative JanusOperative
26-30, M
5 Responses Jul 1, 2007

Well then, do you want to reach old age still feeling this unhappy? It doesn't go away, you know, it just gets dimmer and easier to handle.

Yeah I know what you mean by "natural selection." Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I died cos I see myself as dumb sometimes. I mean the stronger get stronger and the weaker get weaker and die off. How did you find out you have bipolar? Sometimes I think I have it but not sure.

i too have lost the most wonderfull girl i know. it really does hurt so bad that its all you can think of all day everyday and all the possibilities of how to feel better (drugs, alcohol, and death) the constant thoughts running rampid trough my mind all day. jsut to get high at lunch and drunk at night and every where in between... death<br />
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i really do understand all the pain and suffering that life has put so many people trough

Thank you very much for your supportive comments. Fortunately, I did not lose someone in that sense. She didn't die. I should have worded that better. I wasn't paying attention. I lost my girlfriend of six years, with whom I'm very much in love. 90% of the reason is because of my bipolar. I wasn't aware of all that I was doing. I hadn't been diagnosed properly and was on the wrong medications. Plus my thought processes were all faulty and distorted. I'm doing much better now. I have the right meds, a supportive family, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist. I just hurts to have lost her all because I was ignorant of my illness. Had I learned what I know now 6 months ago, we would have flourished. We had all the makings of a beautiful partnership. I'm living in regret, remorse, and resentment. Not healthy, I know. I will eventually heal. But it does somewhat feel like a death. I'm sorry to have made it sound like she had died. But thank you again for your comment and support. It helps to hear that someone understands without feeling the need to tell me how I SHOULD feel. :)

I am sorry that you feel that way and I did know someone w/bipolar that had committed suicide but she battleed it for years and many attempts, I am not saying that is the answer but I definally understand what its about and there is no words I can say that is comforting but I just hope your pain subsides and have some will left to live.. Can I ask whom had passed away that was close to you? I didnt find that in your story.