Not Afraid of Death

I am not afraid to die, I am afraid of living! Life being disabled and broke, can be the most challenging thing I have ever faced.

I used to have a career, a marriage, kids, car, the whole nine yards. I worked like a dog, and took care of my family with all that I could give it.

But I got sick after I had my 5th child, they found out I had diabetes. Ok I could work around that. But then a year later, I had gotten a infection and my belly became swollen. The doctors said I had fluid building up in my belly and needed surgery. After the surgery, my incision wouldn't heal, the swelling came back. I went through 5 years of treatments, with no cures. Then a doctor tested me for Lupus.

I have Lupus. Now came the steroid treatments, and they put in a central line(IV) and pumped the steroids in trying to control the Lupus. The IV got infected with staph/strep and it started to "eat" my heart. I was rushed to E.R.

I don't remember much except my near death experiences. I was told I had surgery on my heart, the infection literally ate my tricuspid valve in my heart. It destroyed the node that controlled my heart rate. I was in a coma for four months. The docs told me later that I died on the operating table. And they has me on life support.

The doctors told my ex that I was not going to make it. I had lost my hair, my legs began to turn inward. I was very sick with no hope. At least this is what I was told.

But I lived through it. Spent 2 years learning how to walk again, but my body has suffered, and the Lupus is always there. I get infections easy, I am tired, I pass out if I over do it.

But my life as I knew it was gone. No more nursing, my husband had a affair, so my marriage ended. Lost it all.

I now just exist, living in a apartment by myself. Living on very little income. I get SSI. And not being able to go out, because I don't have a car.

I lost my kids. They all live with my ex since I have no money to support them. But they are older now. But I lost the relationships I had with them and they have walls built up so I can't get to know them as I used to.

Everything has changed, and I have tried to exist for the last 5 years in a hellish life. I have doctor appointments every week. More drugs to take, and a wound on my belly that will not heal.

So why would anyone want to live in this condition? I really want to just pass on. This is so lonely and so depressing. I am stuck, with no way out.

And I am left with this question, why?
SandyisHere47 SandyisHere47
46-50, F
4 Responses Aug 5, 2007

The pain u r feeling sounds horrible, life with no around WOW, going through all u have.I don't know how u have lasted.I have no insurance,no job I pray that my life would end soon also.It truly is no fun just to exist.

I have a heart problem. I'm a domestic violence victim and my son, whom I risked my live to have, says I deserved the beatings. I am one of those people who never says anything mean and who always gives 100% and nobody loves me. My daughter, who is on my side, never wants to come home because being in the county could remind her of what her dad did to me. Everything and everyone I love dies or goes away or decides I deserved to be beaten.<br />
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SSI is what they give to iligal immigrants. But it's the only way to Medical once your husband cuts your health insurance. The courts don't care about the legal violations. I have a restraining order and they don't care if he kills me.<br />
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I know a lot about how you feel. The desertions, the betrayals and the wish for it to all be over. Sadly, there is nothing in the system to help you and I . Nothing. <br />
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I've spoken to legislators and others. They are sympathetic but unwilling to do anything to protect you and me and women like us. They're too busy earning the big bucks to make pointless laws that do nothing but look good.<br />
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I hope you find a better solution than I have. I keep praying to die.

You posted this in 2007. How are you doing now?

You are a strong person and are loved. Believe it or not, you are loved. You have to do what you can to surround yourself with good people. They are out there. You're one of them.