I'm coming close to completing the twenty-first year of my life.

I've already been kicked out of college once... Went back, and dropped out. I haven't taken my education seriously since I was in my early teens. I pushed myself to take one class in the upcoming fall semester, but I am not excited in the least.

To give myself more credit than I deserve, I am an artist. However drawing is no longer rewarding to me. I force myself to draw and paint again sometimes in the hopes of giving myself some kind of esteem, but to no avail. I only become critical and can't stand the sight of my "artwork."

People terrify me. All of my social interactions are demented in one way or another. The crippling anxiety keeps me indoors, alone, a lot. My relationship is rocky. There are trust issues, and every new miscommunication reopens old wounds.

I used to have a family. My father moved across the country 5 years ago without so much as saying goodbye to me or shooting me a text message. My mother has done her best to move on, but she is in a demented relationship too. I don't get along very well with her boyfriend, but because of my low esteem I am stuck living at home with the both of them. Watching my mother become a different person has left me feeling abandoned. None of my other family (aunts, uncles, cousins) reaches out to me anymore.

I'm waiting to die. I no longer have hopes for my life. I am at such a low that every time I try to even have an aspiration, the fears of failing are more than enough to keep me glued to the couch, staring at the wall for hours on end. I know that I can't handle even one more failure.

I'm seeing a therapist, and she suspects a thyroid problem, but my extreme paranoia of needles has caused me to push my appointments for blood work back over and over for the last month. I beat myself up for having my paranoia and not being able to resolve it.

I can't wait until it's over.
witewhillow witewhillow
22-25, F
Aug 19, 2014