I hate to admit it but I don't want to live anymore.
Diamondgirly Diamondgirly
18-21, F
9 Responses Aug 17, 2014

LOOK UP, NOT DOWN, LOOK AT HIM NOT AT YOURSELF, JESUS IS HERE TO RESTORE GOODNESS AND PEACE TO BROKEN HURTING ONES,. THAT IS YOU. HE CAME NOT TO CONDEMN YOU, HIS VOICE IS A VOICE OF LOVE AND KINDNESS, AND HE WILL LIFT YOU FROM YOUR SADNESS, AND G IVE YOU JOY, I KNOW HE DOES IT FOR ME

Sorry for boring you with that story. How are you feeling today?

me to

Me either. I just need an encouraging partner to say goodbye with :)

What a helpless feeling. So many times I have felt this. So many people in unbearable pain.

To want so desperately to reach out and take hold of your hand, and with this touch somehow, some way end your suffering, draining the anguish and hopelessness from your mind ... then replace it with renewed inner strength.

I do not know the specifics of your pain. But I can empathize with the feelings. I struggled with suicide since I was a young child. I was 26 when a series of events ... traumatic events ******** me of what little strength I had.

And I ended my life.

I had no heartbeat when the fire department broke down my door and found me upstairs in my bed.

It took me a month, going from doctor to doctor to get prescriptions of a powerful sedative. I had no prior history of drug use. At that time, there was no centralized information base on patients, and pharmacies did not talk to each other.

I put my life in order, visited with my friends, wrote my good bye note and recorded a voice message asking my 2 year old son to forgive me for abandoning him.

I had taken at least ten times the fatal dose of the sedatives. I had a nice meal before. Took a shower, sat on the bed and began to cry.

i could not cope with the pain. I didn't have the strength. And it wouldn't stop.

My tears stopped, and I stared at the bottles on the nightstand. After I took the pills, I got into bed and started reading my favorite book from when I was a young boy. I Robot ... Isaac Asimov.

It was evening and I remember feeling my pain suddenly slip away ... the terrible weight on my heart no longer there.

I knew my son would be better off with out me. She would find a stronger man who would raise him far better than I ever could.

I was doing the right thing ....

It was a shock to wake up in that hospital room. A nurse was there. My vision ... and my brain .... were so messed up that I was seeing not double, but quadruple images in a kind of strobing effect. I lifted my head and it rolled around and fell back to the pillow and I almost threw up. I realized then that there were tubes down my throat and in my arms ... and when I tried to sit up again, felt the straps holding me down. When I tried to reach for them, I found my wrists were also restrained.

All this time the nurse was talking to me but I couldn't understand what she was saying.

I was angry. After all I had gone through. All that pain. All that suffering. After all those preparations. I couldn't believe it. How the f--- was I alive?

The nurse must have pushed a button because a doctor came in and I somehow knew I better calm down.

He said I was very lucky. The first time the fire department came by (at the insistence of my worried best friend) the next morning I didn't answer the door, and they didn't have enough probable cause to break it down, so they left.

My friend had called, and I didn't answer, so he had called the fire department. When he called again and they said I didn't answer the door and for all they knew I wasn't home, he drove to my house and climbed up to the second floor where he knew my bedroom was.

He saw me in bed through the window and he pounded on the window frame but I didn't respond. The fire department was probably 6 blocks from my house and as cell phones did not exist yet he jumped back in his car and was there in under a minute. Yeah, he told me all this stuff later.

The doctor said they couldn't find any signs of life but I wasn't real cold yet so they jammed some needle into my chest and did cpr all the way to the hospital.

They got my heart beating at the hospital, and after flushing my stomach they put me in a room with a couple tubes running into my gut, continuing to flush and drain my stomach. They had pushed all the stimulant into me they could without killing me so ...

They waited to see if I was going to wake up.

I was in a coma for 2? 3? days. I can't remember.

Yes. I was lucky. I didn't feel that way at first, but I was very lucky. I had a second chance at life. And no, it wasn't easy.

And what you are going through is very hard. I know.

But you will find joy again. Ok, I can't really promise you that. But the laws of probability are in your favor. You just have to live long enough.

Please live. Don't give up. You deserve to be happy. And if you die, that will never happen.

There is a future you out there. Laughing. Excited. Content.

You can't cheat her out of those experiences. Ok?

Can you talk to anyone about this?
If you think you will act on your feelings call the samaritan hot line
1800 273 talk.

Sometimes, i feel like hating this world and dont wanna live in it anymore. But lets be serious? On the bright side? You dont know what the future holds! Carry on and stay positive!

Just think of yourself as a movie.. it's to early to end it like this..Although you're going through so much pain ..

I know how you feel