What Is This "happy" Of Which You Speak?

I thought I was depressed a couple weeks ago, and I decided that I should probably tell my sister and possibly after her probably my mom.
But my sister answered, "it's not that you are depressed, it's that you have never been happy."

...She's right... I wish I understood what it felt like to be happy, but I don't. Is it a disorder? Am I defective? When i was picked on as a little kid I would always whisper alone to myself as i was curled up in a ball on the ground "I just want to disappear," It took me this long to realize that I wasn't just saying that. I really have always wanted to just not exist, and i haven't a clue as to why. I don't particularly hate anyone, in fact I love other people more than my self. However I don't hate my self either. People in general keep me from doing anything rash again. I've been down that road before and I've learned that it's really hard to explain to one's mother. I scratched my arms in a bathroom stall in the 4th grade to the point of having a deep bloody gash that ran from my arm pit to my inner elbow. It was a bad Idea, and it bled a lot and scared me, making me throw up all over the bathroom. my mom was sad, and I don't want her to ever be sad. I don't want to die anymore. I just want to disappear.

I don't want to be dead, I want to either figure out this amazing thing that is happiness, or I want to disappear.
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1 Response Dec 21, 2012

I can relate. All throughout school, I never knew happiness. All smiles felt empty, meaningless. Faked. But it IS overcomable. You can get better. It just takes time, and situational changes. People say college is completely different, that the people are less shallow and more relatable. This is true. It's a lot easier to find people like you, if you try.

Just tyr to do the things oyu enjoy most for right now. Things will change soon enough.