Do I Want To Disappear

I'm always so concern about myself - I think I'm a selfish person and only thinks about myself, and this feeling just continue to grow and makes me feel sick, that I can't even stand myself. If everything I produce is just something sick and ugly, if the existence of myself never brings anything good and happy, then what's the point of living? I always think to myself that everything will pass away soon and something good is coming. But all the time I'm just draining energy from the nice perple, knowing I can hear soothing words from them, and consume their strength but return nothing back to them. I'm simly not a positive or productive person, and I can't even stand myself. I think it is better to keep my mouth shut than spreading the negative feelings. But here I am, once again, sending out some negative message that has nothing to do with others, but it doesn't change the fact that it isn't cheerful or worth disseminating. So I want to exist...but if I can't, I rather dissappear...
ClaraL ClaraL
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 7, 2013

Clara....I see you! Don't disappear! I just told someone else: Take one day at a time. None of us have all good days. None of us are happy EVERY day. Some of us get depressed just because it rains. Me personally? I love the rain. It gives me the opportunity to snuggle up with a good book and stay home and do absolutely nothing that I don't want to do. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When the sun does come out and THAT is what makes you happy then go for a walk and enjoy it while you can. You are young you go to school or do you work? If not, pick one to keep yourself busy, have a goal, no matter how big or small. If you feel you can't be productive it's because you are feeling down. Start with small baby steps. Do one thing that will pick you up and propel you forward in your day. Could be as simple as deciding you are getting up earlier than yesterday and take a shower, getting dressed and going for a walk in the sun. It sounds like you have supporting family and friends. Decide to call one of them and say: Hi there, how are YOU? I just wanted to call you and tell you I love you and wish you a good day! Imagine how surprised these same people would be who are used to you calling and being negative. Imagine how happy they would be that you sound positive. Don't dwell on negative thoughts, the produce more negativity. Think of one thing that make you happy....a pet? Music? A friend? A hobby? Future travels? Decide on a goal....say: Someday I will....write it down in a diary or booklet. Write down what you really want to do. Only the positives! If a negative thought comes in your head...say out loud to yourself to STOP...then start humming a tune or recite a poem or multiply numbers, anything to redirect your negative thoughts....Remember to reach out, don't ever stop, don't crawl in that hole...there are people who care, I care!
I think you might want to go to a support group somewhere just to meet people or create your own by going onto face book and creating a page. Your experience might let others know that THEY are not alone in the way THEY are feeling. Trust me, I've been there and it's because loving family and friends have had my back that I've turned out to be an optimistic up beat person from the negative pessimistic young teenage I used to be. Never underestimate the power of love, the power of thought, the power of friendship and family! Nobody thinks of you as draining, they all just want to help you feel better. Good luck!