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Erase Myself

i constantly have this urge to disappear. to run away from the life i have, change my name and start over. i guess in a sense its not about disappearing entirely but just erasing my old life and starting a new one, becoming someone else. i want to reinvent myself as exactly who i WANT to be, and be free of all my past mistakes and confinements. i just want to take off with no warning and completely dissapparate, almost like i was never there to begin with. i wont do it because i love the people in my life and i dont want them to be hurt, but at the same time, the allure of dissappearance and starting over as someone else is always there... it would only take one massive thing to set it off, it seems

GirlAnachronism13 GirlAnachronism13 18-21, F 10 Responses Feb 11, 2010

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As a young teen the urge to walk away from everything I have ever known had started. By the time I hit my twenties I could see what I wanted: a cabin in the woods near a waterfall a few miles outside of a very small town where everyone knew everyone but no one knew me. My determination to remain a mystery would have kept me happy. I'm now in my thirties and feel this intense ache in my chest that doesn't end. The need to leave only grows more and more to the point of desperation. I have a few theories about why I feel this way. The first and foremost being that I'm truly convinced that I was meant to spend my life alone and with the many health problems I have had to deal with during my short time I know that having a family is impossible. I do have a mother four brothers nieces nephews as well as great nieces and nephews. It would be easier to walk away then to face them daily. Secondly, it's easier to deny my failures than face them. Third, surviving years of abuse is easier when you don't see it all the time. But most importantly...I would love to know a sense of peace and tranquility intimately.

How bout this? Im an introvert that jus realized that Im not merely shy but have serious anxiety problems. This comes at a late age of 40. Ive dilingently followed and sometimes, excelled in my construction career but am now unable to get a permanent legitimate job in the field. Ive never been married or had the loving pleasure of being a parent and at 40 wont because I cannot even find a significant other to attempt to with. Im lonely, my family is miles away and we are all too poor to visit, I have 2 "friends" that are drunks and druggies that I sometimes visit because Im so sick of being alone. Im a strong believer in the Lord and see my blessings, through a never ending storm of crisis' and catastrophies and I pray to just finish this and go to heaven or I pray for a change... What about me? It isnt fair. Ive never had much, now I want my share... I figured there might have been more people on here like me but I find that all of you have a lot more than me. Ive got a reason to want to change or erase me...

Wow, same here, I typed in 'I want to erase myself' and this was the first thing that showed up. I'm not lonely, depressed or sick- perfectly fine with great people around me, but at the same time I can't stand bring here anymore. I really find myself identifying with mystery moonshine's post...

This is AMAZING!!!! This is exactly what I typed into GOOGLE "want to just take off and find myself " and this was the first page that popped up. I am elated in a way to see that so many people out there feel the way I do. True we all have different life experiences...true we have all had ups and downs, goods and bads, trials and tribulations. But I can't help constantly thinking "there has got to be something better out there. Somewhere where nobody knows me or what I have been through. It seems that I am always judged by that. I constantly get the "shes strong, she can handle it." speach. Nobody gets me, No One understands me in the world I live.. Which is NOT at all bad btw. I have a 2200 sq ft home, a husband of 5 years, No kids, except my 2 dogs, I am free to do anything I want, but the one thing I truly want to do (Which is disappear) I feel guilty about even thinking!!!! My thing is I don't like people, much. I absolutely hate the govt and all it stands for. I DO NOT ever watch the news, except for the weather channel, and I dispise having to go out to the grocery store because all that anyone tries to do there is use marketing tactics to try to lure you into a purchasing frenzy. There is NO good in the world anymore except in nature. That is true unadulterated goodness and that is where I wish to be. A small 1 bedroom cabin in the woods along a quiet stream or babbling brook. Just glad to know that I am not the only one who wants to leave all my worldly possessions behind (And at 43 that's alot) and just jump in my car, and drive and never look back.

Dear mystertmooshine, you wrote on this site 2 months ago, I hope you find some balance and peace and that you learn to enjoy the small things in your life that makes it special.

Nothing like ending up on an emergency bed in a dying situation to give you back the taste for that life, beleive me I have been there.

I typed into the search bar "I want to erase myself" and was surprised that this came up on the screen. A reminder that no matter how we feel there are always others out there feeling exactly the same way. The one I relate to most is lovemoxiestar. I can't complain about my life - I have a husband, home, health and a lot more, yet I don't want to live in this world. I love the planet earth but not the societies and people on it - I am reminded daily about the viciousness of the human race. I keep my feelings quiet of course, they're a bit extreme, but because I want to get away from everything I cut myself off, don't read or watch anything to do with the news (it's not news is it, it's a string of reports about how evil people can be) and don't go out unless I have to. I'm not depressed, a misery, moping - I just don't want to exist in this materialistic, fast paced, shallow, largely selfish, miserable society. A little island away from it all would do nicely.

Well none of you are alone I feel like running away all the time but not because my life sucks. I don't think my life sucks but I just want to be out their living in the world!

wow, i find myself thinking of doing this alot too,especially how my life is ughh..

maybe when i turn 18, perhaps i'll try this...

I understand that you want to change your history. Why? You're 21 and I am 61, perhaps it should be me. But, I wouldn't change a thing. I am the sum total of my life, it is how I, I chose to live it that makes me who I am. No preaching here, if you find a path that you like follow it. If it doesn't pan out don't be afraid to cut across country till you find one better. And don't be shy in telling you detractors to examine their own.

That sounds so much like me. And was me till this past July. In a way I continued to reinvent myself. I never kept in contact with past friends, I just moved on. I left no forwarding address and when I joined fb I used my married name so no one could find me.

I have hated myself for many years, couldn't understand why anyone would want to live with me or marry me since I couldn't stand my self.

I've finally come to peace with me and love me now. It took long enough to appreciate me for me and all I bring to the party. Now that I am at peace with my self I stopped blaming myself for everything and now know my lousy marriage isn't all my doing. I finally realized that I've been living with someone who is passive aggressive and abusive for the past 8 yrs. Either he changes or I'm outtahere. I deserve better. I'd rather be alone then be in a abusive relationship where he has the way of getting me to apologize profusely.

I am still reinventing myself, my look, my personality. I'm still trying to figure out who I want to be. I ran away from my life twice and got married twice for all the wrong reasons. And for the second time end up in an abusive relationship with a man who has issues.

I'm learning that I don't need to run away to change everything abt me. They, either like the new me or they don't. Friends come and go.

And as much as I'd love for my past to disappear, if it did then I would have nothing to talk about, nothing to connect with other. On the other hand when some one asks me a question abt my past depending on who they are I can reinvent my past, not by lying, but by telling them certain things and leaving other things out. That's what everyone does. If you meet anyone who has had a perfect life, it's because you don't know them well enough. Everyone has a story, a black sheep in their family, tragedy, betray, death, loss, etc.