Opened Eyes

My dad has abused my mother, sister and myself ever since i can remember. When we were little, I remember me and my sister were playing with our barbie dolls whilst dad was watching the horse races on TV in the lounge room. He told me and my sister to be quiet otherwise he would come in and give us a "flogging" with his belt. I dont know how many times he asked us, but I could hear him jump off the couch and stomp down the hall way to his room where he got out his belt. Now I was thinking it was just going to be his brown leather belt as always, but I was way off. It was this belt that was black leather and had metal spikes all along it. Anyways, me and my sister were hiding under my bed when he came in and started belted us with that ************ belt. However, as I got older he started becoming my mentally abusive, and my self esteem hit a really low point, and to this day it still is. I would watch him abuse my mother and I always defended her, there wasnt one time i didnt. Yet, when it was my turn, she never defended me, and i never understood why. Numerous times my father would kick me out, but the one time that remains vivid would be when he said to my mother, " EITHER SHES LEAVING, OR IM LEAVING".  So like any mother she packed up my things, and sent me to my grandmothers. I dont think i will ever forgive her for that. I still ask myself, who protects me? My mother certainly didnt, neither did my sister, nor my grandparents. Anyways moving on from memory lane, recently my mother left my father (finally), and is now living with me and my grandparents until she can move into her new house, about two weeks. Im not as angry as i once was at her, and even my father. I think he knows he ****** up big time, and is resenting himself immensley. I fear that he will actually kill himself, and I feel it will be my fault entirely. However this is not why I joined or am writing this. At the moment, Im seeing people for who they really are. One of my best friends ( or so i thought) is actually a selfish egotistical *****, who wants everyone to do everything for her but wont give anything back. Example. We all went to a party on the weekend, once again she got wasted and wanted to go home but a) her parents were out of town and b) no one could take her home as we all had been drinking. One of my other friends payed for her taxi home, but she is now ****** at him for not driving her home in his car. Oh, and shes pissed at me cause i cant go to a concert as i have family plans already. I know i need to grow up alot, but seriously she needs to stop being a pretentious drunken ****. However, this girl is minipultive, everyone can forgive her, but she cant forgive anyone. And now im in some need of forgivness as I accidently broke her ipod headphones, but bought her the same pair as a replacment. WOW I REALLY HAVE BEEN RAMBLING! sorry to whoever is actually reading this, if anyone at all. But sometime i feel like nothing would even matter if i just dissappeared, if i caught that train and just follow it whereever it goes to. Maybe one day I will. I really hope you all dont judge me as a whiney ***** who has daddy issues, because im really not. Im the friend in my group who listens and sorts everyone elses problems but keep mine hidden. This is just me attempting to tell my story so far I guess.

invisable92 invisable92
18-21, F
Feb 19, 2010