Why I Am Where I Am Today

When I was in my teens, I never thought I would be where I am today. I'm bipolar and HIV+. I've known about both for over 20 years, and still can't seem to reconcile my feelings toward them. It depresses me that I cannot be like many of my high school/college/work friends because of my health limitations. If one more person says to get over it, my head might pop off.

I feel lonely. So many of my friends either do not want me around any more because of religious reasons, or they don't seem to understand my diseases. It's frustrating.

The best part of my life is my partner of 17+ years. He is kind and loving. Also, all of the dogs currently and previously in my life make me less sad and more optimistic. I love them more than myself.

Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Life is too overwhelming for me. I just exist in my house with very little contact with the outside world. Thank the stars for the computer or I would be totally isolated.

The last few years have been intolerable - from health scares to job firings to family member deaths. I cope, but I want to live without being so self-conscious. That's all I have to say about how things are this very minute.

stoogechicago4327 stoogechicago4327
51-55, M
1 Response Feb 11, 2009

You posted this in February 2009, So how do you feel now? You see I get so scared whaen someone who has lived with HIV positively for 20 years feels so scared and all depressed about it until now...then it makes me wonder about my future. :(

It is scary to be HIV+ and bipolar, but I know by taking care of myself and just enjoying life, it gets better. I think being scared and depressed means you're human and wonder "what's going to happen?". I am very healthy and live a great life. I wish is didn't have these issues, but hey life is life. Just know you are not alone, and always feel free to send me a note. I'll do what can. Take care.