Abusive Husband - Narcisstic Personality Disorder3 years ago I wrote a post about my abusive husband called "Is this abuse?" I have to say that today my eyes are wide open and the answer is a unequivocal YES! Though not officially diagnosed, this man is without a doubt a narcissistic abuser. At the end of my rope, and after feeling completely empty, confused, and worthless and not knowing why, I started to do some internet research, on the different feelings I was having, as well as the different behaviors my husband was demonstrating. One thing was for certain, I was completely living the abused narcissist spouses life. The following are some of the overwhelming symptoms:
Do you feel like you are the one who takes the blame for everything that goes wrong?
Does your husband have trouble communicating his feelings and shows no real empathy for yours?
Does he blow up in anger easily at you?
Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells, "affraid of making waves?"
Does he have trouble accepting calm, constructive criticism from you?
Do you feel like he treats you badly, and wish he treated you nicely, especially the way he treats others he knows?
Do you live with Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde?
Does he restrict your interaction with others, especially other men?
Do you feel like you're going crazy because he will twist and turn things you said around?
The perfect way of telling for sure, is if the arguments contain these two words: "never" and "always". For example, he will say "you NEVER do what I ask". Or "I ALWAYS am doing what you want". So there is much more to all of this, but living with this kind of man is a horrible roller coaster ride. Personally, for years I didn't understand what was happening as my self-esteem was slipping through my fingers. I have endured 11 years to the point where I supported the entire family finances while he kept his own money. I was the household cook, housekeeper, lawn maintenance crew. Something however snapped in me when our lovemaking became "never good enough". I felt like a prop in a XXX rated movie. This is where the abuse leads to, and that's sexual abuse. Sexual abuse, I finally realized, is sex that one partner is not comfortable with doing, yet the other partner will insist on. It doesn't have to be violent. The web is full of articles about narcisstic abuse, and to some extent we are ALL somewhat narcisstic. It is what puts us into survival mode and keeps us from being everyones "doormat". It also helps us feel good about ourselves and proud of our accomplishments. The abuser is the one filling his voids at the expense of the one's closest to him. When you are down, he feels better, because it fills his narcisstic supply.
In the beginning, he pinpoints you out of the crowd when you are the most vulnerable. For me this was right after my first marriage ended. He surrounds you with everything you look for in the perfect mate, and is the most charming, handsome, charismatic man you will, or have ever met. You are the center of his world and you can do nothing wrong in his eyes. Therefore, you fall deeply in love. As time progresses, and it doesn't take very long, things turn 180 degrees. You question in your own mind what has happened, and through subtle hints he blames you. That's all you can think of, is getting back to the way things were in the beginning of the relationship, and you try harder and harder to be perfect for him, but it is never good enough.
The hardest thing that I'm trying to accept, is that this was never really love. He really never loved me from day one, only himself. He conveniently arranged his life to his comfort level having what he wanted, and when he wanted, using everyone including the kids, as his supplier. Unfortunately, narcissitic men can never really change. They are so into their own selves, that they will never admit they have a problem. Counselors/therapists are the first to admit that they cannot break through a narcissist. A narcissist will use and abuse until they have exausted that person, then move on to the next. I have had my narcissist husband leave me 3 times, and of course, always when it happens to be a emotional time for me, (the first time was right after my mother died). Then he will come back, saying he will change, sincerely taking your feelings into consideration. DON'T BUY IT!!! It's only a short period of time when he is back to the same old, but this time it's become even worse.
Those on the outside looking in don't understand what can be so hard about leaving this man. This type of abuse is not stereo typical of the 2 hour movie where as the villian is clearly defined from the start, and you root for the victim to get her just revenge. I was no exception to wanting to kill the "bad guy" myself. It is easy for people to say, "yes you need to get out." But in the victim's mind, we are confused, constantly trying to understand what is making us so unhappy. The picture is hardly black and white. The abusing husband is a master at keeping his victim feeling uncertain, dependent, confused and if necessary loved. In turn, the people in your circle of friends will continually say, "but you both looked so in love. I can't believe he is like that. Are you sure this is what you want to do? Maybe you both just need a long talk."
I finally kicked my abusive narcissistic husband out. At the time, I didn't know why I needed to get away. He now calls with his outrageous temper tantrums, due to my unwillingness to do things for him. He trys to convince me of how "hard" he now has it. I'm now studying about setting boundries and how to react to the narcissist. I've found that any small trace of narcissistic supply he can get, is what he is after. In accordance with my discoveries, I have been keeping my tone of voice level and emotionless. I keep the conversation frank and factual. I DO NOT share any personal feelings with this man, so that he doesn't put me back on the roller coaster ride. He has told me that he still loves me. I simply reply, "well you're gonna have to get over it." I have also discovered that through living in this hell for years, it actually "re-wires" your brain. It raises and lowers the chemicals more dramatically than the average person, and that your brain is now addicted to this mass amount of opiate's. Therefore you literally have to go through a withdrawl. This withdrawl has literally made me a physically ill, depressed, unfocused, insomniac. As the days go by it gets better and better, and as I emerge from the fog, I can truely see this man for who he really is. SOMEONE TO AVOID!
I hope my experience will help anyone who is under these circumstances... NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY!!! You can feel better about yourself but you have to leave!
This story is continued at bottom