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Abusive Husband - Narcisstic Personality Disorder

3 years ago I wrote a post about my abusive husband called "Is this abuse?" I have to say that today my eyes are wide open and the answer is a unequivocal YES! Though not officially diagnosed, this man is without a doubt a narcissistic abuser. At the end of my rope, and after feeling completely empty, confused, and worthless and not knowing why, I started to do some internet research, on the different feelings I was having, as well as the different behaviors my husband was demonstrating. One thing was for certain, I was completely living the abused narcissist spouses life. The following are some of the overwhelming symptoms:

Do you feel like you are the one who takes the blame for everything that goes wrong?
Does your husband have trouble communicating his feelings and shows no real empathy for yours?
Does he blow up in anger easily at you?
Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells, "affraid of making waves?"
Does he have trouble accepting calm, constructive criticism from you?
Do you feel like he treats you badly, and wish he treated you nicely, especially the way he treats others he knows?
Do you live with Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde?
Does he restrict your interaction with others, especially other men?
Do you feel like you're going crazy because he will twist and turn things you said around?

The perfect way of telling for sure, is if the arguments contain these two words: "never" and "always". For example, he will say "you NEVER do what I ask". Or "I ALWAYS am doing what you want". So there is much more to all of this, but living with this kind of man is a horrible roller coaster ride. Personally, for years I didn't understand what was happening as my self-esteem was slipping through my fingers. I have endured 11 years to the point where I supported the entire family finances while he kept his own money. I was the household cook, housekeeper, lawn maintenance crew. Something however snapped in me when our lovemaking became "never good enough". I felt like a prop in a XXX rated movie. This is where the abuse leads to, and that's sexual abuse. Sexual abuse, I finally realized, is sex that one partner is not comfortable with doing, yet the other partner will insist on. It doesn't have to be violent. The web is full of articles about narcisstic abuse, and to some extent we are ALL somewhat narcisstic. It is what puts us into survival mode and keeps us from being everyones "doormat". It also helps us feel good about ourselves and proud of our accomplishments. The abuser is the one filling his voids at the expense of the one's closest to him. When you are down, he feels better, because it fills his narcisstic supply.

In the beginning, he pinpoints you out of the crowd when you are the most vulnerable. For me this was right after my first marriage ended. He surrounds you with everything you look for in the perfect mate, and is the most charming, handsome, charismatic man you will, or have ever met. You are the center of his world and you can do nothing wrong in his eyes. Therefore, you fall deeply in love. As time progresses, and it doesn't take very long, things turn 180 degrees. You question in your own mind what has happened, and through subtle hints he blames you. That's all you can think of, is getting back to the way things were in the beginning of the relationship, and you try harder and harder to be perfect for him, but it is never good enough.

The hardest thing that I'm trying to accept, is that this was never really love. He really never loved me from day one, only himself. He conveniently arranged his life to his comfort level having what he wanted, and when he wanted, using everyone including the kids, as his supplier. Unfortunately, narcissitic men can never really change. They are so into their own selves, that they will never admit they have a problem. Counselors/therapists are the first to admit that they cannot break through a narcissist. A narcissist will use and abuse until they have exausted that person, then move on to the next. I have had my narcissist husband leave me 3 times, and of course, always when it happens to be a emotional time for me, (the first time was right after my mother died). Then he will come back, saying he will change, sincerely taking your feelings into consideration. DON'T BUY IT!!! It's only a short period of time when he is back to the same old, but this time it's become even worse.

Those on the outside looking in don't understand what can be so hard about leaving this man. This type of abuse is not stereo typical of the 2 hour movie where as the villian is clearly defined from the start, and you root for the victim to get her just revenge. I was no exception to wanting to kill the "bad guy" myself. It is easy for people to say, "yes you need to get out." But in the victim's mind, we are confused, constantly trying to understand what is making us so unhappy. The picture is hardly black and white. The abusing husband is a master at keeping his victim feeling uncertain, dependent, confused and if necessary loved. In turn, the people in your circle of friends will continually say, "but you both looked so in love. I can't believe he is like that. Are you sure this is what you want to do? Maybe you both just need a long talk."

I finally kicked my abusive narcissistic husband out. At the time, I didn't know why I needed to get away. He now calls with his outrageous temper tantrums, due to my unwillingness to do things for him. He trys to convince me of how "hard" he now has it. I'm now studying about setting boundries and how to react to the narcissist. I've found that any small trace of narcissistic supply he can get, is what he is after. In accordance with my discoveries, I have been keeping my tone of voice level and emotionless. I keep the conversation frank and factual. I DO NOT share any personal feelings with this man, so that he doesn't put me back on the roller coaster ride. He has told me that he still loves me. I simply reply, "well you're gonna have to get over it." I have also discovered that through living in this hell for years, it actually "re-wires" your brain. It raises and lowers the chemicals more dramatically than the average person, and that your brain is now addicted to this mass amount of opiate's. Therefore you literally have to go through a withdrawl. This withdrawl has literally made me a physically ill, depressed, unfocused, insomniac. As the days go by it gets better and better, and as I emerge from the fog, I can truely see this man for who he really is. SOMEONE TO AVOID!

I hope my experience will help anyone who is under these circumstances... NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY!!! You can feel better about yourself but you have to leave!

This story is continued at bottom 
randomthoughts randomthoughts 46-50, F 47 Responses Aug 30, 2012

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My story is mostly the same. I have 4 kids. Two grown but I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry but its too much. I had a physically abusive husband I left after 9 yes but I can't take the emotional abuse of this one for 10 yes. Peace out. I tried.

I have been married going on 25 years. I have left, kicked him out say 5 times so my kids and friends have kinda gave up on me. I kicked him out about a year ago. Got a restraining order filed for divorce. Then gotta a call from my sister inlaw. My oldest son said dads really sick! I knew it was his bloodpressure cause he stopped drinking for a few days cause his sister told him to stop. So i took him to the doctor and took him in. Problem was he no longer got me to drop the divorce and all and now ever since it just so happens one person renting my basement shes gay, but im not but now ever sonce hes been back she had to move so i lost income then but he said and his family said once she moves hell calm down. No!! Since a year ago he still calls me a lesbian and i cant breath and i try to prove my innocence but nothing works. I cant go anywhere. If im gone at the dr too long he goes outrageous. I wish hed hit me so theyd arrest him but he knows better now! He checks underwear and will do very uncomfortable things to check me to see if i had sex behind his back. He calls 24-7 and if idont answer well i was with her again. I have horrible pain in my stomach all the time and when he really pushes my buttons the pain is so bad in my stomach i feel likeim gonna die. But today its i love u. But who knows things could change. I know it makes it worse when i screem and yell but now its gotten so bad i feel like just comes ove me. I want to defend my self and hes wrong . Its all lies. Im devoted tohim and my kids. I want to just leave but cant afford anything here and i got my dr here . I dont know if i can support my three boys they apply for jobs but nothing and i get a small amount of disability. We cant sell the house cause we still owe too much and it needs work. I left before amd came back cause i feel ovwrwhelmed and i cant here his voice orsee him or i take him back even when my gutt says no way. I just dont see. A permanent salution.

Wow that sounds all too familiar

If this is still a live blog I too am in a very precarious situation. I am still living with my abuser and things are not getting better which I am sure they usually don't. I also live with my two college aged children who are so used to seeing their father the way he is see. Nothing wrong with his behavior. Our children are. Boy/girl twins and he has always played good cop/bad cop of course making me the bad one (the disciplinarian) and him the fun one, the one who always says yes no matter what it is, as long as it makes him look good. Now we have 1very undisciplined son who is in college but doesn't go to class half the time and a daughter who is so confused about her life and afraid to trust anyone I fear she will. Never find any real happiness. I want out but I know that will mean leaving them both behind. In addition I think if I stay I will lose all sense of myself. I work and can transfer with my job on the other side of the country where the cost of living is far cheaper than it is where I live but I am afraid I will lose my children forever and he will further brainwash them. Has anyone been in thus situation and what did you do. How did things work out for you.

Wow, thank you for sharing your story. It's sad how common it is and all too familiar. I never understood why people stay in those types of relationships and now I'm having such a hard time leaving. Drunken rages, then he senses I'm over it, so he goes back to the wooing and charm. I can't seem to let go. My mom says my father was the same only he was physically abused her. Mine hasn't hit me (yet,) we are not married, as we both have failed marriages due to spousal infidelity. She's trying to convince me to leave, and although a part of me feels horrible for betraying him by telling my mom and best friend about his tantrums, I'm glad they know for mine and my son's protection and safety. Like you said, like a drug, or addiction; you have to cut them off regardless of how much it will hurt. Just trying to figure how to gently break it off with such an emotionally unstable man before it's too late or without him going off the deep end. I tried asking him to move out so we could date again and save the relationship. He's been talking about having his own place since he moved in so I tried to frame it in a way that seemed beneficial to him, especially after he threatened to kill my cats and told me he was moving out because of them cause he hates them, and then turned it around, saying, I chose my cats over him. I just don't understand how he can roll between two extremes. Called him on his behavior, told him to just be honest with himself that he needs a proper outlet for his anger and to talk with someone. He refuses to get help, expects me to just accept him for who he is. I've been stating clear boundaries and treat him just like when my own preschooler is having a tantrum-emotionally detach and allow him to speak with me when he decides not to curse and yell at me, and I refuse to take part in the game when he drinks. After the outbursts, my stomach is in knots, I try to physically distance myself from him. Told him I wasn't afraid of him any more. Pretty sure it will continue to get worse. Trying to give him a chance and accept what's good, bad and ugly about him, cause that's what commitment is about; but where do you draw the line? If your partners love and respects you, I figure he will atleast try to get help and admit he goes berserk when angry. I have hope in him. We've been together less than a year and a half so not too much an investment. I have safe places I can go to if need be since he moved in with me. Yes, even though I'm full-time mom and babysit for a little extra income, by some miracle, I pay all the bills even though he has two full time jobs. Oh, empty promises...actions speak louder than words. Thank you, again. There's hope in knowing you are not alone and seeing people who have gotten away safely.

Amazing post. You have really lived n understood the abuse. I too have felt liberated finally finding out what he is. It's no if fiscal n never will be. But I no he's a narcissist n it helps me cope. But in all the posts I've read no ones ever bailed the sexual side. I too was put under pressure to be who he wanted sexually n was made to feel useless. It's destroyed my self confidence n made me scared if sex with another man incase they are repulsed by me too. And I agree it's still sexual abyss if you do things you're not comfortable with because you feel you have to. Thank you for posting.

Apologies for the typos. But you get my drift x

I wish I had the courage like u.... I jus wish I could die

Nothing and no one is worth taking your own life. If you have kids and grandkids then you have every reason to live for.

OMG YOU HAVE just described my husband who I left a fortnight ago..27 years too late..I feel so much better even though I'm getting the I love you,you love me,please come and talk to me,please come for a ride(motorbike) please come and see how much I've two weeks?..

I just read this. I'm a junior in college right now, and I've been dating a guy that sounds like this for 6 years, since freshman year of high school. Sometimes he treats me so well and other times things are so horrible. He's clmstantly bringing me down and manipulating me. He cheated on me and I left him for 8 months and he tattooed my initials on him and theeatened to commit suicide if I didn't come to his dorm to be with him. He went crazy, but it was his fault. He eventually did so many great things to prove he changed and I took him back. Since then, things have gone downhill again. He is constantly talking to other girl, flirting with them right in front of my face. It's always me that apologizes when he does this. I'm constantly apologizing for how I feel and for getting upset but he's never apologized to me. He also recently has started to sexually abuse me, trying to push me to do things that I've repeatedly said no to. He makes me hate myself and is constantly telling me I do everything wrong, making me feel like I'm not good enough. Then there will be days when he's drunk (like he is almost all of the time) and he'll tell me great things about me and how in love with me he is. He just recently blew up on me, saying he didn't think I should stay over in his frat house anymore because people were wondering what was going on, since after he broke up with me a few weeks ago he said he was "done forever" and covered his tattoo. Now he feels stupid for taking me back and seems embarrassed. After he said that to me, I blew up, cussing him out and telling him to F off forever. I'm glad that I stood up for myself, but a part of me feels guilty for randomly going off on him. Valentine's Day is on Saturday and a part of me hopes that he will come running, saying how sorry he is. But in reality, that won't happen. How can I be so upset after he's the one who screwed up? I should be glad that I finally stood up for myself. But I feel guilty. My friends tell me how stupid I am for not leaving him because he's a jerk, but they don't get it. This is hurting me so much and I'm losing all focus, but I know I wouldn't be able to marry someone like that. Why can't I just leave and get out of this? He makes me hate myself. I've done (and still would do) everything for him. I've been the main person in his life who cares for years even after his dad kicked him out. How can he not appreciate this? There's nothing else I can do to get his love..

I have just stumbled across your advice after waking up from a good night sleep with a very real dark nightmare of a typical spiteful scenario I was put through with my ex partner. What you have descibed is sot on. I have never had therapy as I cant afford it, I have pulled myself through it after also 11 years. I could write a book on all the stuff I went through, although not physical violence. Idid not know aything about narrsisst behavior, I put it down to poss bipolar as that seemed to fit the bill. Thankyou so so much for this , I realise now that it wasnt me.

There is help. I go to a facility called Avita. They charge according to ability to pay. Since I am indigent and cannot work. I am not charged anything. I see a psychiatrist and a counselor. The Dr put me on several antidepressants and I pay $4.50 for each prescription. Counseling has helped. With the counseling and meds, I am no longer suicidal. Google Avita Community Partners. They gave a lot of facilities and you may find one near you. I Live In North GEORGIA and there is one in a lot if nearby counties.

My fiancé has no insight to anything i try to explain to him. I feel like I have no one to talk to about any of this and he just shouts over me telling me everything is my fault and I moved out of state because I couldn't handle his craziness and abuse he was putting me thru and last night be blew up on me because I told him I disagree with a decision he made and now he's saying things like "you are not the woman for me because you can't see how selfish you are, how immature and greedy you are" which I am far from all of that. It's as if when he's speaking to me he is directly speaking about himself. So I'm stupid and booked a plane ticket to go see him because for some odd reason I can't get the strength to walk away, and he told me never to speak to him again, he doesn't want to ever see me because I'm just a big problem in his life, he doesn't want to marry me and now I'm crushed because I do so much for this man and just get stepped on in the end. Do you think he will apologize and still let me come down to see him?

Please get away from this man I have been in your exact shoes, I am still fighting a battle with my demons through all of the last 11 years. I am far away and although he was the love of my life I was his rock he treated me terribly. I was emotional and mentaly abused, they control you I went bankrupt through him. You have no idea and I loved him so much I worked 247 for the business but he treated me like an underdog everyone could see it and I was terribly unhappy but felt trapped. One day he said he loved me to bits but wasnt in love with me, that was the final straw for me. I left moved in with my daughter temporarily 100's miles away and started a new job, although I cant have my own place as he took all my life savings I rent and im free. I still think about the very few good bits in our relationship and secretly dream of the lovely mr hyde realising his mistakes and coming back and happy ending all round, but in reality it wont happen this is a very real sickness that never heals, never goes away, he destroys every friendship and relationship he has ever had. His ex wife once said to me in desperation, "suzy what are you doing with this guy, you are too good for him". I thought at the time she was jealous, I now after the last 5 years away from him and a lot of analysing I understand, everything fits into place, it all makes sense. Please dont wait for a mirical my darling it wont happen please do this for yourself find some peace and quality of life with people who do care about you. You know that saying " I wish I knew then what I know now", its very very true. LEAVE GET OUT NOW

Your story is exactly what I am going thru right now. I am still with him. Friends & family keep telling me to leave him. I dont know why I cant leave him.

You can't leave because he has gained total control over you and your probably co-dependent on him. Get professional mental health help. A counselor really helped me.

I found this thread as I just filed for a divorce with my husband of 15 years yesterday. I needed support from others going through similar circumstances. I grappled with what to do forever. the two sides to his personality have burned a hole into my heart...It is so painful to endure the good along with the bad. It got to the point where I finally locked up my heart......and turned off the happy protect myself from the tirades. I eventually became disgusted when he touched was done as a favor to him....just so he would stop begging me. He also is a weekend binge he stinks...and getting near him romantically just turned my stomach. Even with all of this....deep down I love him...and I know he is hurting and vulnerable. So often I prayed that I would die that I could be as not to hurt him by divorcing him. At my lowest point a man came into my life who was experienced in addictive personalities, and offered me a new life....and I thought this was my chance to disappear......but when my husband caught wind of it....his anger and rage was turned up notches...and it's been a nightmare for the past 3 years. I advise anyone with this kind of husband to make the decision to divorce before you even think of leaving with a family has condemned me, and outwardly I appear to be the villain.....nobody can understand unless they are in my shoes....

Do it, you must, ive been there I understand what your going through

First time I've ever posted anywhere about my 27 year roller coaster relationship. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I really needed this clarity tonight - your post totally speaks to me (except for the sex part - that part didn't happen - YET). Very recently realized I think I've been dealing with NPD. He has ADHD - thought it was just that. I think he may be on the aspergers spectrum too - not sure if it's one or the other, or both - but SOMETHING is has definitely always been wrong. (Not in the beginning, or course. The beginning was AMAZING!) After the WORST year EVER - where I tried increasingly hard to "make things work," to "own" my part of our problems (which I'm so often accused of not doing), to apologize, without asking for one in return - things actually got worse and worse.The continued lack of empathy on his end has been astounding, especially when contrasted in my mind with the GENEROUS, heartfelt, open minded empathy I've given him - even when I have felt his behavior towards me was very bad. Fast forward: We finally seperated. He's brought up divorce throughout our marriage - 6 times in the past year and a half. He says he wants to stop hurting me but it keeps happening. I've always had hope / faith / said "we can work this out." Finally, the last time he said he had to leave I just said "okay." I didn't argue. He "left" Monday. The first day - Day one felt GREAT and by midnight I was thrilled to have experienced ONE day without any drama or long talks. I was kind of doing a happy dance. Then - half asleep on my bed,1 am rolls around and he comes in the house up to where I am, gives me the biggest apology I've ever heard - my therapist called it a "dream apology." In essence he said he realized he'd failed - that I've always tried so hard, that he is a fighter and has focused more on fighting and winning than peacefully resolving, that I've worked so hard and he knows he hasn't worked hard enough. That he wants to be better, to learn, grow, etc. I thanked him - sincerely and suggested we work on these changes but that it'll probably be more effective if done while we keep our seperation. (I've too often heard "I love you - I want to be the man you need' only followed by mean spirited arguing the next day, being told "screw you, etc.") He says he needs something to hold onto. He can't make these changes unless we're together - he either needs to hold onto knowing we still have or relationship OR completely moving on. No middle area - a few months apart, working on the things he says he wants to change. The next day we had a similar conversation and he said "We need to make love." He said he felt goofy saying that but that he needed something symbolic to help him feel like he could make the changes for our relationship. He insists that he's going to change himself whether we stay together or not, but that he feels that if we live apart while he makes the changes - that he's going to grow more and more comfortable with that (no 'pressure,' etc. and that he's worried he may not want to come back. WHY, WHY, WHY - do I keep holding out hope on this man? Why am I asking him to consider working things out for US - when he has been so abusive and dishonest throughout our relationship? Is it normal or logical at all to get hopeful about the most seemingly sincere apology he just made - thinking that THIS TIME he really may be able to change? I've seen signs of efforts and we have had some really good times together, not just bad. But it's never been a true partnership with abiding peace or honesty. I really should just FORGET ABOUT IT - but this part of myself has SUCH a hard time letting go! Any of your thoughts and ideas would be SO appreciated!!

You can keep him. I wrote this post with this message in a further post. I now live with my narcissistic husband. It took a lot of STRENGTH literally. Unfortunately, you are the one that needs to change. He cannot call the shots any longer, for your own sanity. For example, he came to you and thought it was time that the two of you "make love". You are the one that decides that. You are the one that has to keep up the stone face and make him believe that you DON'T NEED HIM or any of his b.s. anymore and that you absolutely will not tolerate it. This is the hardest thing to do because we have been trained for years to take the blame, keep the narcissistic hubby happy, and be put last in the relationship. It's who we are anyway and why he chose us as an easy target in the first place. He returns to you again and again because when he goes elsewhere, he can't find a means to fulfill his narcissistic supply. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't realize any of this, and all the talking you can do with him, will not get it through to him. His crazy brain will not allow him to admit he is the one with the problem. Now if you want to keep him, you have to maintain this attitude. Don't think for a minute that it's all better, he is a changed man, and then you ease up. It will NEVER happen. There is however "light at the end of the tunnel". Eventually things relax. He respects your boundaries, and you both can become partners again. But never expect empathy from him. It's an open door to prey on your weekness at your lowest moments. Find a close and trusted friend for that. Most will tell you "why would you want to be in this kind of relationship anyway?" You know why in the deepest part of your heart. Hope this helps.

I like you were typing my life to the point that it brought tears to my eyes. I have been in the exact same situation for almost 14years. Even this morning he asks me if I still had the dry clothes from the laundry in the car..and I looked puzzled and asked what was he talking about..he knew darn well he didn't see a huge trash bag of clothes in the car because HE WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE CAR LOOKING IN THE CAR WINDOWS. so to keep down the drama I simply said that I was puzzled because the clothes have been out the car since the day I washed them. He starts cursing and saying so why am I trying to make sh*t difficult..followed by saying why doesn't he just take the car...when he knew good and well I needed it. So in order to ensure I get the car (which I need to secretly view some Apartments). I just shut up. I just found a bag of my Tiffany's jewelry in my car trunk... Because like you, my husband does anything but serve as a I was looking for a funnel to put some windshield fluid in the car and thats when i came across the bag of jewelry. I approached him and he looked like he saw a ghost than he says "oh that's my fault I did put it in the trunk" so I asked him if he was going to steal my jewelry.. And he of course says no and that he just grabbed it one day when we were arguing. He is a pro as manipulating conversations and while I can keep the back and fourth going...I choose to stop most times. I just felt relieved when I read your post..almost in shock because your story sounds exactly like mines... I have decided that in order for me to be able to move, I have to sell my wedding ring. I dont know why its so hard but i have to do it. I have no money saved because he used it all and got mad that i was even saving and he didnt know. I cant tell him because he is absolutely horrible with money and pays no bills..just holds on to the money and claim he is holding it in case of an emergency. I will use your experience to help propell me ... and your right it has never changed ....and in the beginning he was so catering that my friends even used to say how he was overly attentive to my needs. I just feel so bamboozled. I am tired of being his emotional regards doll.

I responded already once. I have been on a site for Psychology Today about NPD. It opened my eyes to what I knew was abuse, but did not know what type. Now, after reading about it, I do know and to be honest, I am more afraid than ever I may not get away because of my health. Do not allow anyone to control you to the point you are too weak, too sick to do something. If you can work, walk, and not pass out.. run.. run far away...

Thank you so much for taking the time to share this. I am divorcing after 23 years of marriage. It has been the hardest decision of my life but this man has verbally and emotionally abused me for all of it and because of his narcissistic traits I just didn't see it. He is a master and used my codependency to keep me confused. I have to continue to live with him in the same house until the divorce goes through which he, of course, keeps stalling. Everyday takes every ounce of focus and energy that I have to stay calm and emotionless and not react to his barbs and taunts. He does this in front of our son. It is terribly sad. I worry that I won't be able to learn to get out of this way of living, but reading success stories like yours helps. Thank you again!!!

When you feel hopeless, especially when everybody believes he is the best guy ever, smartest, funniest, nicest, remember this:

I used to feel so so SO hurt by the fact my ex- family and friends were smart, warm people whom I appreciated. When I left him, NOBODY called me, asked me what happen? how are you? Instead, they stood in silence, while most of them blocked me even off Facebook.

This really hurt me, beyond all the cruelty my ex put me through.

But then I realized, through the help of an abusive relationship counsellor:

"remember that, when other people are 'buying' his act, people that you admire and respect, consider intelligent....remember that it is a 'confirmation' that you TOO are intelligent, and yet, he was THAT GOOD AT ACTING, that even you, a strong intelligent woman fell for it. Actually, narcissists will target the smartest, most worthy women, because they can get the MOST narcissistic supply from them. Therefore the victory is just that much greater when they slam you down, and convince you that you as sh**y as they want to make you feel."

It is actually a compliment to you that he succeeds in convincing others what a great guy he is, what a horrible wife/woman you are, etc. But mark my words: when you he is done squeezing whatever social respect /praise out of those people (friends, family), he will toss to the side. Not to mention: really smart people realize that in life, there are always 3 sides to the story: what he said, what she said, and what really happened.

Hope this helps. It really helped me when I was feeling so hurt X fold by my ex, his family, and mutual 'friends'.

OH my God... I am in this same situation, and have been for 27 years! I have lost myself. Everything is always MY fault. He is cruel, always saying and yes, telling my own children how wrong I am, how emotionally unstable I am. My Daughter worships him. MY daughter from my former marriage. He rode in a his "white horse" to save me. Then, he made me dependent on him. He has always found a way, even after I left him. He would talk me back and now he says I came RUNNING back. He refuses to admit he came to me, that he asked me back, that he did everything and promised so much. He is a classic case. Inside he knows he is empty, and uses everyone to make him feel like the hero. EVERYONE we have ever known thinks he is THE best guy. I am lost. After 27 years, I am hopeless.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!! I am in the process of divorcing that same type of man! Everything u described is my husband to the capital T and I was thinking it was me and it's not!!!! Again I say thank u and God bless u for allowing him to grant u courage to speak up and out! Divorce him and be free!

Good Luck! I am hoping I may be able to leave, but I am so afraid. I have no income, and am now ill. I have Neuropathy, and I need so much help.. therapy obviously. I wish oh how I wish, I had had this information years ago. I knew it was wrong, but I thought he was trying. I took too much far too long.

robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com is a wonderful spell caster. Very trustworthy, My husband cheated on me for Almost for three years. he ignore me for several months and left me with nothing, but i am happy today that Robinson brought my husband back, I am so happy, Now my husband is all mine again. I can now say I'm happy again. Great spell from Robinson buckler, Robinson is genuine. I truly believe in him and his spells. he is a professional. I really enjoyed the result which i got, his love spell is marvelous, he is truly gifted, his love spell has brought me happiness, I am extremely pleased, it worked out to my test, he has the most powerful love spell, I recommend his love spell to anyone who is ready to get his or her lover back

Um yea.....can you say dillusional.

Hmmm no thanks

I am going through the same,he has left and,came back in,many occasions,but this last time im the one that left! !he been controlling every move i ve made,broken my cell phone,chocked me,kicked me off the bed(and im 9 weeks pregnant) !!
then he moved to another state and left me behind,told me he will get a house for us,and fix the baby room etc...then,last week i told him i was looking for a job in Washington cuz thats where i live right now and he started attacking,me through texts saying i should stay here and he can find someone younger and all these mean thibgs,oh forgot to mention every time,we argue has his datung sites ready and,open,again!!!i find myself sending,texts to him,and then when i read his reply i regret it,i feel stupid,can't accept why he treats me this way,im,his wife and the mother of his unborn!!i know he s no good for me,he was diagnosed with ptsd while,in the army but i thought with love and support he could handle his issues,and make me happy!!i still love him,and breaks,my heart that i do!!all,night long i check my phone,then this morning i texted him saying i was going to see him and he never so dumb,why do i want to see a man that left me pregnan,homeless,and doesnt provide,mental,emotional or financial help!???why am i so in,love with my husband?i am 34,i have 4 kids from two previous marriages,so i k,ow better,but what it is about this man that keeps me attached and i cant let,go?is the baby in,expecting? ?i been thinking not,to keep it if it was the only reason that is keeping me tied emotionally to him!!!

i really need some help. i literally can feel myself going insane. i know i need to leave but even if this man never loved me i still love him. why ? i may never know. maybe because there have been so many good times. he does this crap to me and then leaves and i sit here (having done nothing wrong) crying and later apologizing and begging for forgiveness.....WHY!?!?! i just dont get it!!!! why cant i leave him. when will it be enough? is there something wrong with me that i cant leave him? i think im unstable......

Thank god for you writing this now I know I not the only one who went down this road to hell.This man sounds exactly like my husband.Ladies get out if u can. The emotional also turns into physical . Im speaking from experience my soon to be ex husband is in jail for domestic battery.

Stay away from him. NEVER go back. If I can help anyone younger, that might help make me feel a bit better. I do not know what I will do. I read many women commit suicide because of these men. My husbands first wife did that. She left and chose to live on the streets, and apparently even went as far as to prostitute herself instead of returning and now all I hear about is how I could never measure up to her. I am so beaten down. Anyone who has a man or woman in their life who has any of these traits, leave.. never look back.

Thank you, i needed this so much right now. I am currently separated from my husband at his request. 2 hours after he moved his crap out he wanted to talk. What?! He wanted to know if i was going to rush filing and if we could think about things, and tried to place the blame on me for wanting a divorce he asked for. I am giving him a week to think things through, again at his request, but this time away has made me realize how miserable I am with him. I feel like i can move, and breathe where and when I want to. I don't have to wonder what the day will be like when i get home. Its peaceful.

I know the feeling.. I have been there waking up in the morning walking on eggshells dreading what type of mood he was in. When I told him about me wanting a divorce he actually told me that he wanted me to be cursed. That is not love. What helps me is remembering all the wrong I was subjected to and all the love I gave to someone who really didn't love me or know how to love me!!! Ugh.

Are you sure you weren't living with me? I am now getting over a toxic marriage of 11 years and was going through my moments of was it all my fault. NO, it wasn't and i'm so glad I started divorce proceedings...

Your article is so spot-on. Very insightful. I really needed to read this today. It wasn't love, you're right. I have been beating myself up for years trying to understand what went wrong and how i was responsible for it, and i am so glad i read this....

damn! how did you know me so well?
I am on the verge of leaving. Just waiting for my jobs applications to get accepted. I chose a town far far far away from where we currently leave. Never talked about my move to anyone that might squeal to him. I pretended everything is perfect. I am just going to disappear sometime this month with my kids and leave this narcissistic man I am married to. I've fooled myself for 14 years. I know he should be the one to leave the house but you all know full well, living with this kind of man leaves you vulnerable and you simply cannot stay away from him if you constantly see him. its like being addicted to drugs. BUT now, I finally saw myself as being able to break free and saying enough is enough. I am leaving despite the pleadings of my mother to not leave as I wont have any family support in the area I am moving to. But to be honest, that was part of the excitement of the move. Start from scratch and make a life for me and my kids without being in the shadow of the former things.
Wish me luck :)

Heaven, I know what your feeling but running cannot cure the situation. He has a legal right to see his children and it is possible that a judge may make you bring them back to your home town or lose custody. If there is one thing I want anyone gets out of my message is "BE STRONG" and don't back down. Remember not to give into giving him the narcissistic supply. It's what he lives for and unfortunately it's hard for you to break out of the habit of giving him the supply. Leaving is fine, but do it in the most calm, emotionless way possible. It most likely could get to the point that you may have to put a restraining order on him because he will try to bully, but STAND FIRM. Use a level head, and know that this is a tough road but a necessary one for you. GOD BLESS!

By the way.... Standing up to the narcissistic man is equal to playing chicken with a freight train.

EXACTLY.. He has even described himself that way!!! My husband says, he takes over in every situation, work, home, anywhere. Get out of his way or do what he says. amazing

Diana, I am 33 and my life sounds so much like yours. My husband left (again) about a week ago. I've given my life for this man; I now have fibromyalgia, neuropathy, degenerative disc disease, and am emotionally and physically exhausted from carrying our family by myself for this long. I can't even focus at work, which is my family's only income! In his eyes, everything is my fault. Down to the degeneration of our family! I believe there could be such a great life out there for us if he'd just let the love in, but he is impossible to make happy & it's impossible to get him to show any sign of love no matter what I do. It's tearing our kids up, too. It's so sad. And the sick thing is, the hole in my heart with him gone is so big, I'd still take him back if he'd only say he loved us.

Couldnt have put it better myself

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The above is so true. I wondered if I secretly enjoyed walking on eggshells or waiting for the next name calling or moaning session that would come my way. Its all about self gratification for them, at the expense of the person they say they love. Only yesterday my husband was saying he loved me and then tells me that I'm not wife or mother material and its all my fault that my relationships don't work. Strange considering I am his third wife! I have finally made the break, the hard part will be to stay away from him. Everybody deserves to be happy, loved and respected. People who behave that way, I think, are incapable of true love or respect. I hope anyone in relationship like these can find the strength within themselves to take the first step away!

I feel I could have wrote your story. I am in the same fog. Feeling so awful to see that this monster has me so twisted and afraid. I need help, some final push to get through the last final worst of it. The "please leave" and then the horrible calls, emails, rants etc. It's all just a game for him. Everything that's ever done is a manipulation tactic never once was any of it genuine feelings or thoughts. Just a new button he discovered he could push. It is so wrong that the only person you are afraid of is the only person that's suppose to be your friend. I feel so lost.

Snowflake remember to be STRONG. To be the victim is exactly what he wants. To stand your ground is quite confusing to him and he won't know what to do. Hard I know but it's a must!

sometimes I'm so amazed what a bleeping idiot i can be. My husband was showing signs of a drug addiction, i thought crack or something. He would disappear and come back higher than a kite. It got to the point it was every 2 hrs on the weekend. I said if you have a problem we can see to it together. The response was no"you are f***n crazy" your are always accusing me of stuff. Hmmm So this went on then he was texting someone constantly so i checked the phone records, called the # it was a girl. I confronted him after many fights I filed for deforce. He talked me out of it. The day I took it out of court her boyfriend face booked me to get my cheating husband to stop seeing his girlfriend. He also said they sole his ice. Crap you think that would have been enough but he started adapting **** site. Ok I finally get that your a jerk so I told him and he beat the daylights out of me. Please avoid this guy!!!

I may be alone in this but I feel I should shed light on the narcissistic women that treat men in the same fashion. While this type of relationship is difficult for anyone who is the victim it has been my experience that, social services, courts and "old fashion" stereotypes allow women to perpetuate a narcissistic relationship under the guise that all men are spiteful, controlling, manipulative, sex crazed dogs. I have personally been involved with two women who fit the criteria of this blog to a T. The first, my ex-wife, had a known chemical imbalance and refused to take the medications she was prescribed. The second, a girlfriend, had experienced abuse as a child and was removed from the home only to be raised like a princess and coddled with gifts, admiration, body guards and nanny's. This I'm sure led to constant lying, convenient memory loss, desire to be the center of attention, and of course the blame game. My point with all this? Don't be too quick to judge. Both men and women will suffer the same affliction but in most cases it is easier for a women to receive the "attention" she craves by concocting abusive stories for social services or the police, and since "ALL Men" are pigs we go to jail, loose our homes, kids, wives, good name, jobs, money, etc simply to feed the narcissistic machine. I have experienced all of this while wondering the same thing, what did I do? Only difference, I had little recourse. I raise my kids, bathe them, feed them, do the laundry, run my own business, go shopping, make appointments (hers too), and still it wasn't enough. There is a silver lining. My present girlfriend, mother of my children and soon to be wife, is getting treatment and over time has changed her behavior patterns, taken on more responsibility and the relationship is progressing. It takes work to make any relationship work, it only takes blame to ruin it.

I agree 100% that women can be just as narcissistic as men. I wish I could have married a man like you before I became involved with this man. PLEASE be careful to see the big picture before you marry again though. These people do not change! They are excellent actors to show you temporarily what you want to see.

Its enlightening to hear this from a male perspective, however I too worry that this may end in tears, I now fully understand that there is no change for these people. Please be carefull

Eyes on your own paper! If you did not hit my life on the nail. This is exactly what I'm goin through, and I have come to grips that it's over. Actually 2-3 years ago. I am soo sick n tired of my narcissistic husband that I actually fantasized us burn happy apart (well at least me). Thank you for sharing because sometimes it's as if I'm the only one going through such chaotic rage filled drama. For nothing.

Please help me, after 20yrs of marriage I got my narccistic abusive husband to leave. It was not easy. I went through the angry stage and saw it for how horrendous it all was the manipulation the co-dependency, the walking on egg shells, the deep deep depression I had, the lack of self worth you name it I had it, but yet now 3 months later I find myself desperate to have sex with him. It was the one area I controlled and when things were good between us Sex was amazing. When they were bad he never pressurized me. I have said I can never have him back as I cant deal with the bad bits but want the good bits. I am so confused. I don't think he has changed but there is still a part of me that obviously really loves him but yet I am so much happier without him. I really thought once I separated that would be it but yet find my self attracted right back to him like a moth to the light. It's so obvious that you are all screaming no to me, but 20 years is along time to be with someone and throw in the towel.

Sounds like you may be confusing love and sex. You have to also decide what is more important to you--good sex (which may actually be a lot better with someone who is NOT abusive--think about that), but so long as you stay with him for that reason, you will never know. Are you wanting sex with him because you want the sense of control (as you mentioned it was the one thign you controlled). If so, realize there are other ways to gain a sense of personal control and power, including having the control over you life and the power to bring happiness into your life with someone who is not NPD. They "Jekyll-Hide" alot to try and keep you in the relationship that is draining you. That's why you feel attracted, but you are like a rat who likes the cheese in the trap but doesn't want to get caught in the trap...I feel for you as I have major issues with this too, so I'm just trying to help.

I can relate well to your posting. One of the hardest things is trying to get out with your mind and life intact. After having unsuccessfully trying to leave, and get a separation a couple years ago, I was given threats to my own well-being, lets just say, and others who were trying to help me get out. He'd also fallen disabled, and now I am taking care of him and am still trapped. Good luck to all who struggle with these relationships and like you said, you have to get free of them if you can.

This is pretty much my life for the past 9 yrs..He just accused me of stealing his money that I put up for him...I have receipts showing where we spent the money...I have never stolen from anyone...He has put me through hell cheating, lying and treating me like a child...I have 2 kids by him, but there going to have to get used to not having there father around all the time...I have reached my breaking point..After reading this its opened my eyes up...I ready to move a for good!!! Good luck to everyone who has to live with someone like this!! Move on an don't look back ever!!!

Thank you, so well written , after 1 year of being on my own away from abusive husband I am so happy and content, in the meantime he has been on numerous dating sites, and I have had no contact. Today I receive e-mail, "Fridays used to a joyous day, it would would be the day I would see my gorgeous wife, either at mine or her house , but now it heralds the start of an empty weekend, one with the woman I will love eternally, I still cry". Gee! no contact apart from the odd abusive e-mail for over a year and now this... I will ignore it as I have with other e-mails.. it makes me feel very good that he is suffering. He is toxic and I will never have contact him other than divorce which I would love to instigate but he would become abusive and blame me for everything so I just carry on ignoring him. The good thing about having no contact is "I am the one who is in control" and I never want to see him again in my life. Like the lady who wrote the primary article, I have in the past gone back to him on 3 occasions, because he had changed, been in therapy and each time after a couple of weeks it has got worse, so anybody out there thinking that these abuser's have changed, think again.. don't waste your time on these pathetic people.

Well Done You for leaving. Reading your story made me realise that my husband was exactly like yours...people always ask, 'well if that's what he was like why were you with him in the first place?' They don't realise that at first, they make themselves so perfect that it's impossible not to fall for them. Then slowly, gradually they change on you and make your life hell. The day I left was the best day of my life and really truly I have never ever regretted it. I feel so happy all time because I got my life back!

Wow, this is very inspirational. Someday you just wake up and realize how much time you've wasted. I've sacrificed the last 7 years of my life for our marriage all for nothing. I'm walking away with the clothes on my back, 10k in debt, my son's clothes on his back and my car. All the while, he walks away debt free, with a brand new job that pays more than enough for the both of us, zero debt, and all of our materialistic accomplishments. I'm disgusted with this personality disorder and can only hope there will be a law enforced in the future for the abusers. There should be some limit out there on who can do what and for how long to other people. Thank you for sharing your story. I'll be re-reading this often to remind myself of the lack of change that I've hoped for for so long. I've waited years to walk away with pride and now I can. He was laid off a month after we eloped. I was laid off a month before. I got a job 9 months later, while he decided to stay off of work for 4 years and go back to school. He has a child from a previous relationship, I have my own. I took care of his son and mine, while I worked for those four years all for him to get a great job and not pay one of my bills, nor buy me something to eat when I was hungry. It's completely disgusting. I hope all people male or female who are putting up with this kind of treatment find the means to leave and treat themselves with respect. Anyone supplying the narcissist even the slightest bit of supply needs to keep it moving.

The courts will make him responsible for his child and what you have together. GOOD LUCK!

If you realize that you are with a narcissistic abuser, then you must also realize that you have now become a co-dependent. One cannot exist without the other. Now it is time to remove the "co-dependent" therefore the narcissistic does not have the audience. If your inner response to his moods is "I must be to blame for something again", this is co-dependence. Stop reflecting your inner-self on his outer moods. Don't stay with a narcissistic abuser with the goal of changing HIM. You have to be the one to change. Without your response to the narcissistic behaviors, there is no unheaval. The narcissistic doesn't want to play alone.

....and I can tell you what a nightmare it is to watch your mother be victim to this, and, trying to grow up as a child of a narcissist. You can only imagine why I've never married (not consciously).

You can change the pattern.

Yeah... I've never gotten married. Dad sure as hell isn't going to change.

So with the overwhelming response to my story, I’ve felt compelled to give a update. First of all my narcissistic abusive husband and I are back together. WAIT! DON’T YELL! I have to tell you what I discovered to make this marriage a work in progress.

Being away from him helped me to gain some of my self-esteem again. I dated some, even though what was out there was pretty slim pickins, it felt awesome to be treated like a lady again. Someone that wanted to hear “my opinion”, was priceless. I felt pretty again. All the while, I waited for the divorce “waiting period” to be over so I could end this nightmare. My husband switched from Dr. Jekyll to Mr Hyde. Eventually I refused to answer the phone calls. He resorted to trying to bully my lawyer instead, and stealing whatever he could from outside of the house when I wasn’t home. I stood firm to my boundaries. He was never allowed to treat me like that again. He finally got to me when he texted me, “help me! I really need your help right now!” I called him assuming that he was in a hospital bleeding to death or something. Instead the call was him sobbing. Been there, done that. But it was his ice-breaker to communication with me. I kept in the back of my mind what someone in church told me, and even related it onto the hubby. “You DO NOT have to talk to him when he has nothing nice to say.” Here is what I have to do with him ALWAYS.

Realize that you are worth more than he is. You are a reward for any other man out there. A man that treats a loved one like this is a coward. Cowards aren’t worth a second glance. Surprise yourself someday, and when he looks to create the emotional uproar, put a smile on, turn on your heels, and walk away. In the past, he could scare you to death. He is a coward, that is his way of keeping you where he wants you. If he hasn’t raised a hand to you, he won’t. If he has, leave, and put him in jail. Remember, you don’t have to take it! He cannot argue with himself. Be mentally super strong.

Don’t let him call the shots. As selfish as it seems, this has to be the new you. Don’t ever for a second think that you can change the old him. When you want it to be “no”, it’s going to mean “no”! No exceptions. Try to think of it like a 2 year old having a tantrum because he is not getting his way. If you keep giving into the tantrums, the more they are going to happen, because for him, it works like a charm.

I have my own checking account, and I don’t intend to change that. I write myself a check every week from his money for household expenses. He now has to accept that if he wants to live there, he has no choice in the matter. Again, here is the boundaries. I have even threatened to not pay the mortgage if he didn’t pay me. Hey, it effects his credit too.

Sex is now on my terms, and I have gone for weeks because he didn’t want to treat me respectfully in bed. I don’t allow him to push the “guilt button”. I made it disappear.

Yes, I know that I sound like an incredibly selfish b****! But it has to be this way. Of course it has to be within reason. It is a daily, sometimes hourly challenge. It does get better, faster, if you absolutely don’t give in EVER. Believe it or not, I think that he is happier also. We are still a work in the progress. I realize that he will never be my shoulder to cry on either. I tried it once, it opened the door for him to see my weakness and stomp on my emotions.

Remember, you are changing, not him. You need to stay strong, look back at what you’ve accomplished so far, and celebrate.

That doesn't sound like a good way to live, either. I wish my mom and dad had divorced sooner. He's 78 and on marriage #4. He has only gotten worse as he's gotten older. UGH.

I am curious as to how things are going in your relationship now. Us there actually hope?

Thank you so much for the story

Walking on the egg shells...... ı do that perfectly now :( ı used to be a very talkitive person but now ı just speak just its necessary. ıf ı have to say my opinion about something....ı say you are right or ı agree to u or doesnt matter for me :(((

I can't thank u enough for writing about something I have been experiencing for 10 years and I never understood and people don't quite believe it coz he is such a charmer in public....also when I tell them they look at me in disbelief as if I am stupid to have stayed with him for so long....I can only say I feel like I lived in a bubble and effectively over time became his servant at home, whilst working and his emotional wellbeing was always my problem....I was to blame for everything....he was perfect in his mind....

Hi Randomthoughts!

Your clarity and strength are inspiring!! I feel in many ways I am where you were three years ago...seeing the abuse I've lived with for 17 years of marriage. He got worse over time but never hit me. I now (finally) believe I've been abused and that he has NPD or BPD and a sex addiction (video and emotional affairs plus kissing other woman). He doesn't respect me...and that hurts so much.

He left me as I would never leave him although I protested the abusive incidents (calmly I may add). It fell on deaf ears and only made him resentful of my "complaining".

Thank you for sharing!! You sound strong and happy.

Wishing you peace...

Thank you, this made me understand a Lil more about the man I'm married to. He is definitely what you describing to a T. I keep leaving him but he keeps begging for me back. I feel drained and it's almost impossible for me to get through a whole day with him. I just left him and excaped to a family members house. I will probably end up going back to him because I'm pregnante and have no where else to go. There's no room for us here at my family members house. I also have a 7 year old son and there's no room for me here. I have been looking for a safe place for us to go. He is threating to take my baby after I have it. I am scared of him and what he is capable of doing. I can't stand being around him.

Sunkissed I feel for you.... But he has you right where he wants you. I was where you are 6 years ago, broke and small kids and not enough self esteem to think I could make it. I held on for 6 more years believing his threats and lies. DON'T LET HIM DO THIS!!! You have more options but you will have to do some research and rely on some people. Don't let him see your fear. You MUST stay calm and emotionless. Be careful who you talk to about your plans as it may get back to him. The courts are on your side but don't have complete faith in restraining orders. A firm voice (and a 22 shot gun) will get your point across to him. Best to make HIM fear YOU as they are really coward in disguise. Trust in a close friend to break down but NOT him. Your emotions are filling his narcisstic supply. Please keep me posted.

Hi I know I haven't been on here in a while, I wanted to reply back to you because I am looking up the same stuff again here. I forgot I even posted this months ago. I am due to have this baby in a month. I have moved with my husband to a military installation 4 states away. I felt like I had no choice. I am not happy and I feel like I should have just stayed put where I was in my home state but couldn't financially support both my children on my own at this time beings that the doc has me on bed rest. My husband has been very distant and we barely talk. I feel like Im walking on eggshells again and I get critiqued, criticized and yelled at for every move I make or anything I say. The doc put me on bed rest because I was moving boxes and stuff when I shouldn't have been but my husband was to ignorant to get up and help me put things away. Not to mention he's like a hoarder and doesn't want me to throw away anything even if its junk. I am going to enroll myself in school after I have this baby and get though it do I can afford my own place. I am just going to have to put up with him until then. Thank you again for your advice.

No one can treat you in anyway you don't approve of. I'm upset with everyone posting here including myself. There's resources out there to help us we just need to step up and stop relying on spouse and find other sources to get help. I'll tell you one thing God has removed that burden of pain and worry from you. If an unbelieving spouse leaves we are called to peace. That's just it, choose to live in peace and hold your position. Nothing in life is going to be easy that's worth having. Bear down, dig deep for that strength to carry on. You'll feel much better, knowing you accomplished things instead of the other way around and making a way out

Hello, sunkissed82
I just saw your post I am also going through the same scenario with my soon to be ex-husband, we have two kids together and I have a restraining order in place but it is only temporary for 6 months but it was worth the trouble getting one it kept him on a short leash. Being that children are involved you will need to do something through the courts limiting his visits with kids. speaking from experience you can't just leave to another state and hide because he legally has a right to see his children unfortunately for you this keeps him involved in your life, if you truly are afraid of him get a restraining order. I know that after leaving my husband and living alone I feel so much happier and free to do as i please no more walking on eggshells, as for the kids you will have to set up a time sharing plan through mediation. Just remember you are doing what is best for the children and your self no one should remain in an abusive relationship especially the children they have no choice and you must be the one to make the right decisions for them. I will tell you that it is not easy and you will feel like giving up many times thinking that going back will be easier, don't give up you are stronger that you think have faith in yourself and the resources are out their to help you. I hope you and the children are doing well.
God Bless

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