Post

Abusive Husband - Narcisstic Personality Disorder

3 years ago I wrote a post about my abusive husband called "Is this abuse?" I have to say that today my eyes are wide open and the answer is a unequivocal YES! Though not officially diagnosed, this man is without a doubt a narcissistic abuser. At the end of my rope, and after feeling completely empty, confused, and worthless and not knowing why, I started to do some internet research, on the different feelings I was having, as well as the different behaviors my husband was demonstrating. One thing was for certain, I was completely living the abused narcissist spouses life. The following are some of the overwhelming symptoms:

Do you feel like you are the one who takes the blame for everything that goes wrong?
Does your husband have trouble communicating his feelings and shows no real empathy for yours?
Does he blow up in anger easily at you?
Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells, "affraid of making waves?"
Does he have trouble accepting calm, constructive criticism from you?
Do you feel like he treats you badly, and wish he treated you nicely, especially the way he treats others he knows?
Do you live with Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde?
Does he restrict your interaction with others, especially other men?
Do you feel like you're going crazy because he will twist and turn things you said around?

The perfect way of telling for sure, is if the arguments contain these two words: "never" and "always". For example, he will say "you NEVER do what I ask". Or "I ALWAYS am doing what you want". So there is much more to all of this, but living with this kind of man is a horrible roller coaster ride. Personally, for years I didn't understand what was happening as my self-esteem was slipping through my fingers. I have endured 11 years to the point where I supported the entire family finances while he kept his own money. I was the household cook, housekeeper, lawn maintenance crew. Something however snapped in me when our lovemaking became "never good enough". I felt like a prop in a XXX rated movie. This is where the abuse leads to, and that's sexual abuse. Sexual abuse, I finally realized, is sex that one partner is not comfortable with doing, yet the other partner will insist on. It doesn't have to be violent. The web is full of articles about narcisstic abuse, and to some extent we are ALL somewhat narcisstic. It is what puts us into survival mode and keeps us from being everyones "doormat". It also helps us feel good about ourselves and proud of our accomplishments. The abuser is the one filling his voids at the expense of the one's closest to him. When you are down, he feels better, because it fills his narcisstic supply.

In the beginning, he pinpoints you out of the crowd when you are the most vulnerable. For me this was right after my first marriage ended. He surrounds you with everything you look for in the perfect mate, and is the most charming, handsome, charismatic man you will, or have ever met. You are the center of his world and you can do nothing wrong in his eyes. Therefore, you fall deeply in love. As time progresses, and it doesn't take very long, things turn 180 degrees. You question in your own mind what has happened, and through subtle hints he blames you. That's all you can think of, is getting back to the way things were in the beginning of the relationship, and you try harder and harder to be perfect for him, but it is never good enough.

The hardest thing that I'm trying to accept, is that this was never really love. He really never loved me from day one, only himself. He conveniently arranged his life to his comfort level having what he wanted, and when he wanted, using everyone including the kids, as his supplier. Unfortunately, narcissitic men can never really change. They are so into their own selves, that they will never admit they have a problem. Counselors/therapists are the first to admit that they cannot break through a narcissist. A narcissist will use and abuse until they have exausted that person, then move on to the next. I have had my narcissist husband leave me 3 times, and of course, always when it happens to be a emotional time for me, (the first time was right after my mother died). Then he will come back, saying he will change, sincerely taking your feelings into consideration. DON'T BUY IT!!! It's only a short period of time when he is back to the same old, but this time it's become even worse.

Those on the outside looking in don't understand what can be so hard about leaving this man. This type of abuse is not stereo typical of the 2 hour movie where as the villian is clearly defined from the start, and you root for the victim to get her just revenge. I was no exception to wanting to kill the "bad guy" myself. It is easy for people to say, "yes you need to get out." But in the victim's mind, we are confused, constantly trying to understand what is making us so unhappy. The picture is hardly black and white. The abusing husband is a master at keeping his victim feeling uncertain, dependent, confused and if necessary loved. In turn, the people in your circle of friends will continually say, "but you both looked so in love. I can't believe he is like that. Are you sure this is what you want to do? Maybe you both just need a long talk."

I finally kicked my abusive narcissistic husband out. At the time, I didn't know why I needed to get away. He now calls with his outrageous temper tantrums, due to my unwillingness to do things for him. He trys to convince me of how "hard" he now has it. I'm now studying about setting boundries and how to react to the narcissist. I've found that any small trace of narcissistic supply he can get, is what he is after. In accordance with my discoveries, I have been keeping my tone of voice level and emotionless. I keep the conversation frank and factual. I DO NOT share any personal feelings with this man, so that he doesn't put me back on the roller coaster ride. He has told me that he still loves me. I simply reply, "well you're gonna have to get over it." I have also discovered that through living in this hell for years, it actually "re-wires" your brain. It raises and lowers the chemicals more dramatically than the average person, and that your brain is now addicted to this mass amount of opiate's. Therefore you literally have to go through a withdrawl. This withdrawl has literally made me a physically ill, depressed, unfocused, insomniac. As the days go by it gets better and better, and as I emerge from the fog, I can truely see this man for who he really is. SOMEONE TO AVOID!

I hope my experience will help anyone who is under these circumstances... NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY!!! You can feel better about yourself but you have to leave!

This story is continued at bottom 
randomthoughts randomthoughts 46-50, F 31 Responses Aug 30, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I like you were typing my life to the point that it brought tears to my eyes. I have been in the exact same situation for almost 14years. Even this morning he asks me if I still had the dry clothes from the laundry in the car..and I looked puzzled and asked what was he talking about..he knew darn well he didn't see a huge trash bag of clothes in the car because HE WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE CAR LOOKING IN THE CAR WINDOWS. so to keep down the drama I simply said that I was puzzled because the clothes have been out the car since the day I washed them. He starts cursing and saying so why am I trying to make sh*t difficult..followed by saying why doesn't he just take the car...when he knew good and well I needed it. So in order to ensure I get the car (which I need to secretly view some Apartments). I just shut up. I just found a bag of my Tiffany's jewelry in my car trunk... Because like you, my husband does anything but serve as a tool...so I was looking for a funnel to put some windshield fluid in the car and thats when i came across the bag of jewelry. I approached him and he looked like he saw a ghost than he says "oh that's my fault I did put it in the trunk" so I asked him if he was going to steal my jewelry.. And he of course says no and that he just grabbed it one day when we were arguing. He is a pro as manipulating conversations and while I can keep the back and fourth going...I choose to stop most times. I just felt relieved when I read your post..almost in shock because your story sounds exactly like mines... I have decided that in order for me to be able to move, I have to sell my wedding ring. I dont know why its so hard but i have to do it. I have no money saved because he used it all and got mad that i was even saving and he didnt know. I cant tell him because he is absolutely horrible with money and pays no bills..just holds on to the money and claim he is holding it in case of an emergency. I will use your experience to help propell me ... and your right it has never changed ....and in the beginning he was so catering that my friends even used to say how he was overly attentive to my needs. I just feel so bamboozled. I am tired of being his emotional regards doll.

I responded already once. I have been on a site for Psychology Today about NPD. It opened my eyes to what I knew was abuse, but did not know what type. Now, after reading about it, I do know and to be honest, I am more afraid than ever I may not get away because of my health. Do not allow anyone to control you to the point you are too weak, too sick to do something. If you can work, walk, and not pass out.. run.. run far away...

Thank you so much for taking the time to share this. I am divorcing after 23 years of marriage. It has been the hardest decision of my life but this man has verbally and emotionally abused me for all of it and because of his narcissistic traits I just didn't see it. He is a master and used my codependency to keep me confused. I have to continue to live with him in the same house until the divorce goes through which he, of course, keeps stalling. Everyday takes every ounce of focus and energy that I have to stay calm and emotionless and not react to his barbs and taunts. He does this in front of our son. It is terribly sad. I worry that I won't be able to learn to get out of this way of living, but reading success stories like yours helps. Thank you again!!!

OH my God... I am in this same situation, and have been for 27 years! I have lost myself. Everything is always MY fault. He is cruel, always saying and yes, telling my own children how wrong I am, how emotionally unstable I am. My Daughter worships him. MY daughter from my former marriage. He rode in a his "white horse" to save me. Then, he made me dependent on him. He has always found a way, even after I left him. He would talk me back and now he says I came RUNNING back. He refuses to admit he came to me, that he asked me back, that he did everything and promised so much. He is a classic case. Inside he knows he is empty, and uses everyone to make him feel like the hero. EVERYONE we have ever known thinks he is THE best guy. I am lost. After 27 years, I am hopeless.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!! I am in the process of divorcing that same type of man! Everything u described is my husband to the capital T and I was thinking it was me and it's not!!!! Again I say thank u and God bless u for allowing him to grant u courage to speak up and out! Divorce him and be free!

Good Luck! I am hoping I may be able to leave, but I am so afraid. I have no income, and am now ill. I have Neuropathy, and I need so much help.. therapy obviously. I wish oh how I wish, I had had this information years ago. I knew it was wrong, but I thought he was trying. I took too much far too long.

robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com is a wonderful spell caster. Very trustworthy, My husband cheated on me for Almost for three years. he ignore me for several months and left me with nothing, but i am happy today that Robinson brought my husband back, I am so happy, Now my husband is all mine again. I can now say I'm happy again. Great spell from Robinson buckler, Robinson is genuine. I truly believe in him and his spells. he is a professional. I really enjoyed the result which i got, his love spell is marvelous, he is truly gifted, his love spell has brought me happiness, I am extremely pleased, it worked out to my test, he has the most powerful love spell, I recommend his love spell to anyone who is ready to get his or her lover back

Um yea.....can you say dillusional.

I am going through the same,he has left and,came back in,many occasions,but this last time im the one that left! !he been controlling every move i ve made,broken my cell phone,chocked me,kicked me off the bed(and im 9 weeks pregnant) !!
then he moved to another state and left me behind,told me he will get a house for us,and fix the baby room etc...then,last week i told him i was looking for a job in Washington cuz thats where i live right now and he started attacking,me through texts saying i should stay here and he can find someone younger and all these mean thibgs,oh forgot to mention every time,we argue has his datung sites ready and,open,again!!!i find myself sending,texts to him,and then when i read his reply i regret it,i feel stupid,can't accept why he treats me this way,im,his wife and the mother of his unborn!!i know he s no good for me,he was diagnosed with ptsd while,in the army but i thought with love and support he could handle his issues,and make me happy!!i still love him,and breaks,my heart that i do!!all,night long i check my phone,then this morning i texted him saying i was going to see him and he never replied...im so dumb,why do i want to see a man that left me pregnan,homeless,and doesnt provide,mental,emotional or financial help!???why am i so in,love with my husband?i am 34,i have 4 kids from two previous marriages,so i k,ow better,but what it is about this man that keeps me attached and i cant let,go?is the baby in,expecting? ?i been thinking not,to keep it if it was the only reason that is keeping me tied emotionally to him!!!

i really need some help. i literally can feel myself going insane. i know i need to leave but even if this man never loved me i still love him. why ? i may never know. maybe because there have been so many good times. he does this crap to me and then leaves and i sit here (having done nothing wrong) crying and later apologizing and begging for forgiveness.....WHY!?!?! i just dont get it!!!! why cant i leave him. when will it be enough? is there something wrong with me that i cant leave him? i think im unstable......

Thank god for you writing this now I know I not the only one who went down this road to hell.This man sounds exactly like my husband.Ladies get out if u can. The emotional also turns into physical . Im speaking from experience my soon to be ex husband is in jail for domestic battery.

Stay away from him. NEVER go back. If I can help anyone younger, that might help make me feel a bit better. I do not know what I will do. I read many women commit suicide because of these men. My husbands first wife did that. She left and chose to live on the streets, and apparently even went as far as to prostitute herself instead of returning and now all I hear about is how I could never measure up to her. I am so beaten down. Anyone who has a man or woman in their life who has any of these traits, leave.. never look back.

Thank you, i needed this so much right now. I am currently separated from my husband at his request. 2 hours after he moved his crap out he wanted to talk. What?! He wanted to know if i was going to rush filing and if we could think about things, and tried to place the blame on me for wanting a divorce he asked for. I am giving him a week to think things through, again at his request, but this time away has made me realize how miserable I am with him. I feel like i can move, and breathe where and when I want to. I don't have to wonder what the day will be like when i get home. Its peaceful.

I know the feeling.. I have been there waking up in the morning walking on eggshells dreading what type of mood he was in. When I told him about me wanting a divorce he actually told me that he wanted me to be cursed. That is not love. What helps me is remembering all the wrong I was subjected to and all the love I gave to someone who really didn't love me or know how to love me!!! Ugh.

Are you sure you weren't living with me? I am now getting over a toxic marriage of 11 years and was going through my moments of was it all my fault. NO, it wasn't and i'm so glad I started divorce proceedings...

Your article is so spot-on. Very insightful. I really needed to read this today. It wasn't love, you're right. I have been beating myself up for years trying to understand what went wrong and how i was responsible for it, and i am so glad i read this....

damn! how did you know me so well?
I am on the verge of leaving. Just waiting for my jobs applications to get accepted. I chose a town far far far away from where we currently leave. Never talked about my move to anyone that might squeal to him. I pretended everything is perfect. I am just going to disappear sometime this month with my kids and leave this narcissistic man I am married to. I've fooled myself for 14 years. I know he should be the one to leave the house but you all know full well, living with this kind of man leaves you vulnerable and you simply cannot stay away from him if you constantly see him. its like being addicted to drugs. BUT now, I finally saw myself as being able to break free and saying enough is enough. I am leaving despite the pleadings of my mother to not leave as I wont have any family support in the area I am moving to. But to be honest, that was part of the excitement of the move. Start from scratch and make a life for me and my kids without being in the shadow of the former things.
Wish me luck :)

Heaven, I know what your feeling but running cannot cure the situation. He has a legal right to see his children and it is possible that a judge may make you bring them back to your home town or lose custody. If there is one thing I want anyone gets out of my message is "BE STRONG" and don't back down. Remember not to give into giving him the narcissistic supply. It's what he lives for and unfortunately it's hard for you to break out of the habit of giving him the supply. Leaving is fine, but do it in the most calm, emotionless way possible. It most likely could get to the point that you may have to put a restraining order on him because he will try to bully, but STAND FIRM. Use a level head, and know that this is a tough road but a necessary one for you. GOD BLESS!

By the way.... Standing up to the narcissistic man is equal to playing chicken with a freight train.

EXACTLY.. He has even described himself that way!!! My husband says, he takes over in every situation, work, home, anywhere. Get out of his way or do what he says. amazing

Diana, I am 33 and my life sounds so much like yours. My husband left (again) about a week ago. I've given my life for this man; I now have fibromyalgia, neuropathy, degenerative disc disease, and am emotionally and physically exhausted from carrying our family by myself for this long. I can't even focus at work, which is my family's only income! In his eyes, everything is my fault. Down to the degeneration of our family! I believe there could be such a great life out there for us if he'd just let the love in, but he is impossible to make happy & it's impossible to get him to show any sign of love no matter what I do. It's tearing our kids up, too. It's so sad. And the sick thing is, the hole in my heart with him gone is so big, I'd still take him back if he'd only say he loved us.

1 More Response

The above is so true. I wondered if I secretly enjoyed walking on eggshells or waiting for the next name calling or moaning session that would come my way. Its all about self gratification for them, at the expense of the person they say they love. Only yesterday my husband was saying he loved me and then tells me that I'm not wife or mother material and its all my fault that my relationships don't work. Strange considering I am his third wife! I have finally made the break, the hard part will be to stay away from him. Everybody deserves to be happy, loved and respected. People who behave that way, I think, are incapable of true love or respect. I hope anyone in relationship like these can find the strength within themselves to take the first step away!

I feel I could have wrote your story. I am in the same fog. Feeling so awful to see that this monster has me so twisted and afraid. I need help, some final push to get through the last final worst of it. The "please leave" and then the horrible calls, emails, rants etc. It's all just a game for him. Everything that's ever done is a manipulation tactic never once was any of it genuine feelings or thoughts. Just a new button he discovered he could push. It is so wrong that the only person you are afraid of is the only person that's suppose to be your friend. I feel so lost.

Snowflake remember to be STRONG. To be the victim is exactly what he wants. To stand your ground is quite confusing to him and he won't know what to do. Hard I know but it's a must!

sometimes I'm so amazed what a bleeping idiot i can be. My husband was showing signs of a drug addiction, i thought crack or something. He would disappear and come back higher than a kite. It got to the point it was every 2 hrs on the weekend. I said if you have a problem we can see to it together. The response was no"you are f***n crazy" your are always accusing me of stuff. Hmmm So this went on then he was texting someone constantly so i checked the phone records, called the # it was a girl. I confronted him after many fights I filed for deforce. He talked me out of it. The day I took it out of court her boyfriend face booked me to get my cheating husband to stop seeing his girlfriend. He also said they sole his ice. Crap you think that would have been enough but he started adapting **** site. Ok I finally get that your a jerk so I told him and he beat the daylights out of me. Please avoid this guy!!!

I may be alone in this but I feel I should shed light on the narcissistic women that treat men in the same fashion. While this type of relationship is difficult for anyone who is the victim it has been my experience that, social services, courts and "old fashion" stereotypes allow women to perpetuate a narcissistic relationship under the guise that all men are spiteful, controlling, manipulative, sex crazed dogs. I have personally been involved with two women who fit the criteria of this blog to a T. The first, my ex-wife, had a known chemical imbalance and refused to take the medications she was prescribed. The second, a girlfriend, had experienced abuse as a child and was removed from the home only to be raised like a princess and coddled with gifts, admiration, body guards and nanny's. This I'm sure led to constant lying, convenient memory loss, desire to be the center of attention, and of course the blame game. My point with all this? Don't be too quick to judge. Both men and women will suffer the same affliction but in most cases it is easier for a women to receive the "attention" she craves by concocting abusive stories for social services or the police, and since "ALL Men" are pigs we go to jail, loose our homes, kids, wives, good name, jobs, money, etc simply to feed the narcissistic machine. I have experienced all of this while wondering the same thing, what did I do? Only difference, I had little recourse. I raise my kids, bathe them, feed them, do the laundry, run my own business, go shopping, make appointments (hers too), and still it wasn't enough. There is a silver lining. My present girlfriend, mother of my children and soon to be wife, is getting treatment and over time has changed her behavior patterns, taken on more responsibility and the relationship is progressing. It takes work to make any relationship work, it only takes blame to ruin it.

I agree 100% that women can be just as narcissistic as men. I wish I could have married a man like you before I became involved with this man. PLEASE be careful to see the big picture before you marry again though. These people do not change! They are excellent actors to show you temporarily what you want to see.

Eyes on your own paper! If you did not hit my life on the nail. This is exactly what I'm goin through, and I have come to grips that it's over. Actually 2-3 years ago. I am soo sick n tired of my narcissistic husband that I actually fantasized us burn happy apart (well at least me). Thank you for sharing because sometimes it's as if I'm the only one going through such chaotic rage filled drama. For nothing.

Please help me, after 20yrs of marriage I got my narccistic abusive husband to leave. It was not easy. I went through the angry stage and saw it for how horrendous it all was the manipulation the co-dependency, the walking on egg shells, the deep deep depression I had, the lack of self worth you name it I had it, but yet now 3 months later I find myself desperate to have sex with him. It was the one area I controlled and when things were good between us Sex was amazing. When they were bad he never pressurized me. I have said I can never have him back as I cant deal with the bad bits but want the good bits. I am so confused. I don't think he has changed but there is still a part of me that obviously really loves him but yet I am so much happier without him. I really thought once I separated that would be it but yet find my self attracted right back to him like a moth to the light. It's so obvious that you are all screaming no to me, but 20 years is along time to be with someone and throw in the towel.

Sounds like you may be confusing love and sex. You have to also decide what is more important to you--good sex (which may actually be a lot better with someone who is NOT abusive--think about that), but so long as you stay with him for that reason, you will never know. Are you wanting sex with him because you want the sense of control (as you mentioned it was the one thign you controlled). If so, realize there are other ways to gain a sense of personal control and power, including having the control over you life and the power to bring happiness into your life with someone who is not NPD. They "Jekyll-Hide" alot to try and keep you in the relationship that is draining you. That's why you feel attracted, but you are like a rat who likes the cheese in the trap but doesn't want to get caught in the trap...I feel for you as I have major issues with this too, so I'm just trying to help.

I can relate well to your posting. One of the hardest things is trying to get out with your mind and life intact. After having unsuccessfully trying to leave, and get a separation a couple years ago, I was given threats to my own well-being, lets just say, and others who were trying to help me get out. He'd also fallen disabled, and now I am taking care of him and am still trapped. Good luck to all who struggle with these relationships and like you said, you have to get free of them if you can.

This is pretty much my life for the past 9 yrs..He just accused me of stealing his money that I put up for him...I have receipts showing where we spent the money...I have never stolen from anyone...He has put me through hell cheating, lying and treating me like a child...I have 2 kids by him, but there going to have to get used to not having there father around all the time...I have reached my breaking point..After reading this its opened my eyes up...I ready to move a for good!!! Good luck to everyone who has to live with someone like this!! Move on an don't look back ever!!!

Thank you, so well written , after 1 year of being on my own away from abusive husband I am so happy and content, in the meantime he has been on numerous dating sites, and I have had no contact. Today I receive e-mail, "Fridays used to a joyous day, it would would be the day I would see my gorgeous wife, either at mine or her house , but now it heralds the start of an empty weekend, one with the woman I will love eternally, I still cry". Gee! no contact apart from the odd abusive e-mail for over a year and now this... I will ignore it as I have with other e-mails.. it makes me feel very good that he is suffering. He is toxic and I will never have contact him other than divorce which I would love to instigate but he would become abusive and blame me for everything so I just carry on ignoring him. The good thing about having no contact is "I am the one who is in control" and I never want to see him again in my life. Like the lady who wrote the primary article, I have in the past gone back to him on 3 occasions, because he had changed, been in therapy and each time after a couple of weeks it has got worse, so anybody out there thinking that these abuser's have changed, think again.. don't waste your time on these pathetic people.

Well Done You for leaving. Reading your story made me realise that my husband was exactly like yours...people always ask, 'well if that's what he was like why were you with him in the first place?' They don't realise that at first, they make themselves so perfect that it's impossible not to fall for them. Then slowly, gradually they change on you and make your life hell. The day I left was the best day of my life and really truly I have never ever regretted it. I feel so happy all time because I got my life back!

Wow, this is very inspirational. Someday you just wake up and realize how much time you've wasted. I've sacrificed the last 7 years of my life for our marriage all for nothing. I'm walking away with the clothes on my back, 10k in debt, my son's clothes on his back and my car. All the while, he walks away debt free, with a brand new job that pays more than enough for the both of us, zero debt, and all of our materialistic accomplishments. I'm disgusted with this personality disorder and can only hope there will be a law enforced in the future for the abusers. There should be some limit out there on who can do what and for how long to other people. Thank you for sharing your story. I'll be re-reading this often to remind myself of the lack of change that I've hoped for for so long. I've waited years to walk away with pride and now I can. He was laid off a month after we eloped. I was laid off a month before. I got a job 9 months later, while he decided to stay off of work for 4 years and go back to school. He has a child from a previous relationship, I have my own. I took care of his son and mine, while I worked for those four years all for him to get a great job and not pay one of my bills, nor buy me something to eat when I was hungry. It's completely disgusting. I hope all people male or female who are putting up with this kind of treatment find the means to leave and treat themselves with respect. Anyone supplying the narcissist even the slightest bit of supply needs to keep it moving.

The courts will make him responsible for his child and what you have together. GOOD LUCK!

If you realize that you are with a narcissistic abuser, then you must also realize that you have now become a co-dependent. One cannot exist without the other. Now it is time to remove the "co-dependent" therefore the narcissistic does not have the audience. If your inner response to his moods is "I must be to blame for something again", this is co-dependence. Stop reflecting your inner-self on his outer moods. Don't stay with a narcissistic abuser with the goal of changing HIM. You have to be the one to change. Without your response to the narcissistic behaviors, there is no unheaval. The narcissistic doesn't want to play alone.

....and I can tell you what a nightmare it is to watch your mother be victim to this, and, trying to grow up as a child of a narcissist. You can only imagine why I've never married (not consciously).

You can change the pattern.

Yeah... I've never gotten married. Dad sure as hell isn't going to change.

So with the overwhelming response to my story, I’ve felt compelled to give a update. First of all my narcissistic abusive husband and I are back together. WAIT! DON’T YELL! I have to tell you what I discovered to make this marriage a work in progress.

Being away from him helped me to gain some of my self-esteem again. I dated some, even though what was out there was pretty slim pickins, it felt awesome to be treated like a lady again. Someone that wanted to hear “my opinion”, was priceless. I felt pretty again. All the while, I waited for the divorce “waiting period” to be over so I could end this nightmare. My husband switched from Dr. Jekyll to Mr Hyde. Eventually I refused to answer the phone calls. He resorted to trying to bully my lawyer instead, and stealing whatever he could from outside of the house when I wasn’t home. I stood firm to my boundaries. He was never allowed to treat me like that again. He finally got to me when he texted me, “help me! I really need your help right now!” I called him assuming that he was in a hospital bleeding to death or something. Instead the call was him sobbing. Been there, done that. But it was his ice-breaker to communication with me. I kept in the back of my mind what someone in church told me, and even related it onto the hubby. “You DO NOT have to talk to him when he has nothing nice to say.” Here is what I have to do with him ALWAYS.

Realize that you are worth more than he is. You are a reward for any other man out there. A man that treats a loved one like this is a coward. Cowards aren’t worth a second glance. Surprise yourself someday, and when he looks to create the emotional uproar, put a smile on, turn on your heels, and walk away. In the past, he could scare you to death. He is a coward, that is his way of keeping you where he wants you. If he hasn’t raised a hand to you, he won’t. If he has, leave, and put him in jail. Remember, you don’t have to take it! He cannot argue with himself. Be mentally super strong.

Don’t let him call the shots. As selfish as it seems, this has to be the new you. Don’t ever for a second think that you can change the old him. When you want it to be “no”, it’s going to mean “no”! No exceptions. Try to think of it like a 2 year old having a tantrum because he is not getting his way. If you keep giving into the tantrums, the more they are going to happen, because for him, it works like a charm.

I have my own checking account, and I don’t intend to change that. I write myself a check every week from his money for household expenses. He now has to accept that if he wants to live there, he has no choice in the matter. Again, here is the boundaries. I have even threatened to not pay the mortgage if he didn’t pay me. Hey, it effects his credit too.

Sex is now on my terms, and I have gone for weeks because he didn’t want to treat me respectfully in bed. I don’t allow him to push the “guilt button”. I made it disappear.

Yes, I know that I sound like an incredibly selfish b****! But it has to be this way. Of course it has to be within reason. It is a daily, sometimes hourly challenge. It does get better, faster, if you absolutely don’t give in EVER. Believe it or not, I think that he is happier also. We are still a work in the progress. I realize that he will never be my shoulder to cry on either. I tried it once, it opened the door for him to see my weakness and stomp on my emotions.

Remember, you are changing, not him. You need to stay strong, look back at what you’ve accomplished so far, and celebrate.

That doesn't sound like a good way to live, either. I wish my mom and dad had divorced sooner. He's 78 and on marriage #4. He has only gotten worse as he's gotten older. UGH.

I am curious as to how things are going in your relationship now. Us there actually hope?

Thank you so much for the story

Walking on the egg shells...... ı do that perfectly now :( ı used to be a very talkitive person but now ı just speak just its necessary. ıf ı have to say my opinion about something....ı say you are right or ı agree to u or doesnt matter for me :(((

I can't thank u enough for writing about something I have been experiencing for 10 years and I never understood and people don't quite believe it coz he is such a charmer in public....also when I tell them they look at me in disbelief as if I am stupid to have stayed with him for so long....I can only say I feel like I lived in a bubble and effectively over time became his servant at home, whilst working and his emotional wellbeing was always my problem....I was to blame for everything....he was perfect in his mind....

Hi Randomthoughts!

Your clarity and strength are inspiring!! I feel in many ways I am where you were three years ago...seeing the abuse I've lived with for 17 years of marriage. He got worse over time but never hit me. I now (finally) believe I've been abused and that he has NPD or BPD and a sex addiction (video and emotional affairs plus kissing other woman). He doesn't respect me...and that hurts so much.

He left me as I would never leave him although I protested the abusive incidents (calmly I may add). It fell on deaf ears and only made him resentful of my "complaining".

Thank you for sharing!! You sound strong and happy.

Wishing you peace...