Dropping Out In My 2nd Year, Afraid But Excited For The Future!Three weeks ago I decided I want to drop out of college, in fact I have the withdrawal form here and filled out, just waiting to get a transc
My start in college was quite good, I made friends quickly, I went and participated in many fresher's activities, BUT, that changed when people found out I was 17, so I couldn't go clubbing or anything. I was actually used to going clubbing often by that point, but now I was in a big city with sleek clubs that scour you for every form of identification you have (18 being the legal drinking age here). Because of my age, women would, at the bat of an eyelid, see me not as attractive but as not mature enough and... too young. And not even that, but it was the fact that they were only on average a year older! Same with my social group, suddenly my age became a huge obstacle, as I couldn't go out and party as much as I would've liked to, I was pushed out of that social group because I didn't share that commonality of age.
The girlfriend episode was by far the most damaging. I shat where I ate aka started going out with a girl from my class. Effing miserable. Always held things against me, would drunkenly come to my house early in the morning after clubbing (which I suspect she was cheating on me when she was out), manipulate me, treat me like nothing more than a dog on a leash with no feelings and of course, the sex was terrible to say the least. When we did end up breaking up (for definite, I couldn't stand it anymore), I wasn't just pushed out of the group, they started hating my guts. No one in class wanted to sit beside me, every time I talked to a female in the class even just asking for what page we were on or something that innocent I was replied to as if I was a burden to talk to and that no one actually enjoyed my company. This was the breakdown of my class life in college, I'll tell you about the other side.
I got onto the committee of the Music society in our college as the freshers' rep. I figured for lack of a social life with my classmates I could hack a social life in the club and society circle in my college. It went well at first, but then the committee put me under severe pressure to do and organize things I wasn't at the time capable of doing as a fresher who didn't know the way things work in the college well enough. I made friends from other societies, many of which I have to this day, but it was never the same.
And so a few months later came my birthday, the big one-eight, I expected all the freedom in the world, to be able to enjoy a pint without having to look over my shoulder, to party when I pleased and to spread my wings as a newly realized adult.
But then I realized, no one actually invited me to parties unless they felt some sense of duty to. I remembered that my birthday being in the peak of exam time, even fewer would go. I really should have given up and dropped out then, but I must be one sucker for punishment.
Summer holidays came along, and everybody was away on holidays or had a job, or was at the other end of the country to me, and I was bored as ****, other than being able to go drinking with a few of my friends from back home on a few occasions. I was desperate to get back to college because home was so damn boring and frictious, I wanted to drop out but I at least wanted somewhere to get away from the soul-crushing boredom!
Ironically, I felt imbued with confidence getting back to college - I was now 18, I had a more senior position in the Music Society and I was chair of the Dj society. Oh how wrong I was! Despite knowing lots of people and being high in the food chain of Society and Student Union goings-on I still got this sense of rejection. No one would invite me to parties albeit a few where I wasn't exactly "part of the group", and I just felt so damn lonely. My brother would have parties with his circle of friends in our house, but that just highlighted my loneliness. Up until college, I was managing my major depressive disorder and social anxiety, in fact I could cover it up quite well, but old wounds were opened once things went sour. This year I was so devastated at the state of my life here that my depression became extremely deep, I started having panic attacks, insomnia, randomly getting sick and being in a perpetual state of internal misery. The running of the Dj society had run me ragged, the loneliness I felt worsened beyond even my own belief, and I grew to hate the college I once loved dearly and stopped going to lectures. There was no straw that broke the camels back, it was a ******* ton weight!
Long story short, my parents are aware of how badly the college damaged me mentally and emotionally, and now I'm on medication to keep me falling back into the dark place I was in, and have been in for a long time. Now I'm tackling my issues instead of merely coping, living instead of surviving, living at my own leisure instead of the hands of others. This is the first time in my life I feel truly free, and by God it feels great! I'm just saying my goodbyes over the next few days, doing a bit of partying, I hand in my withdrawal form on Monday. I plan on either joining my country's army when the next recruitment drive opens or pursuing music (instead of the languages degree I do) in a college which I fell in love with when I visited, in a place that's more relaxed, friendly and easy-going than I could ever imagine. Sure it may be boring for the next few months, but I'll try find a job, do things and go places I've never done or seen, and at least now I have things to look forward to and I'm working through my issues.
The damage this place has done is beyond reconciliation for me, I have made up my mind and I'm going through with it, even at the dismay of many of my friends in the college and the academic staff in my course, but if I want to be truly happy, then going to this college is not for me. For those of you thinking of dropping out, a little piece of advice for you -
If the glass is half empty, just get another drink.
Take it easy folks,
TheCleverBoxer 18-21, M 1 Response 0 Nov 30, 2011