I used to have so many hopes and dreams for what my life would be like, but none of them came true. My mother became disabled and had to quit her job as a federal employee when I was a junior in high school. Our roles got reversed and I had to take care of her and the house (my father bailed before I was born and left the state to avoid paying child support). Instead of going off to college after graduation, I was working two jobs to pay the mortgage and the bills, and all of my free time went to trying to do the chores around the house and the yard.

I was unemployed for almost two years when the economy tanks, and the job I finally got pays far less and has crappy benefits. I can't even afford the co-pay to see my own doctor under our HMO.

Now I'm tired. The house and the yard are a disaster because my mother is a hoarder and I'm too tired after work to do much. The yard is completely overgrown because I am physically unable to do the work and cannot afford to pay a service. The neighbors are threatening to contact the authorities if I don't clean up my "filth", yet none of them ever bother to even see if we need help or are even alive.

The life insurance plan that my employer offers states that benefits will not be paid out for suicide for the first two years of coverage. I've been working and covered for well over two years, and I can't help thinking that if I end my life, my mother can use the insurance money to get out of that crappy neighborhood and into someplace where she won't just be sitting in the dark all day. I really don't see how life could be any worse for her if I'm gone except that she'll finally have the funds to get out of the hell we're living in now.
troubledinparadise troubledinparadise
46-50, F
1 Response Aug 17, 2014

Thats sweet of you.
My parents committed suicide and the insurance money was helpful. They didn't do it all for me. My dad lost his job and was sick. He wanted to leave my mom the money. She told me the day before it happened she couldn't live without my dad.